My "Neverending" New Year's Kiss

Ok, now we are turning the tables and confessing about the worst kisses we've unleashed on someone. I am *still* cringing from this encounter.

Let me set the scene for you. It was New Year's Eve. Midnight had come and gone. Everyone was celebrating with their kazoos and champagne. As with most parties I attend in Fishtown, almost all the attendees were either in a serious relationship or married. I was scanning the room for any available gents but it was pretty dire. I had my eye on one dude but he was chatting up some girl over by the pool table. I shrugged and downed my third flute glass of bubbly.

It was then that I caught sight of this guy sitting alone on a stool at the bar. Let's call him "the Gent." He is a bit older than me and very good looking. He has a real job so that's always a plus. I had heard through a friend that he had a crush on me over the summer but we never quite hooked it up. I figured this could be my chance to really make things happen.

So, I slid up next to him and said, "Where's my New Year's kiss?" He blushed a bit then leaned in and gave me a small smooch. Like, this kiss was a notch above a peck.

Being sassy, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "No! I want a real kiss from you!" That made him smile. So, he grabbed my waist and pulled me in. He planted a kiss right on my lips. His mouth was tight and dry. There was no tongue. Honestly, it wasn't that hot.

So, I was processing how hot this kiss wasn't when I kinda started laughing. I was chuckling because after months and months of flirting, we were finally kissing and I couldn't believe after all this buildup I wasn't feeling it. And, I was trying to stop the kiss and pull back a bit without looking too obvious.

Well, my chuckle turned into a snort. And, as I snorted, I unleashed an entire stream of snot onto the Gent. It was like a firehose of goo aimed directly at him. I straight up slimed him. Do you understand? I inadvertently used his mouth and chin as a tissue! This had never happened to me before. I was mortified!! The look on his face was a mix of horror, surprise, and total disgust. He reached for a bar napkin to wipe it off. It was like it was happening in slow motion.

I apologized profusely. He, being a Gent, waved my apologies off with his hand and said that it was ok as he cleaned himself up. I just kept muttering how sorry I was over and over. I wasn't sure how to make a graceful exit after something like that so I just slowly walked away and kept repeating how sorry I was.

I immediately ran over to Shannon and told her that I "pulled a Falkor!" She, of course, had no idea what I meant. So, I clarified that I had just blown snot all over the dude I was smooching. After letting out a gasp, she cracked up pretty hard. I buried my head in my hands in utter embarrassment. My cheeks were burning red with shame.

Does Hallmark make a card for this? "Sorry I sprayed my nose juice on your face. Thanks for taking it like a champ. Happy New Year's!" Since I was never taught in the Girl Scouts how to properly recover from a situation like this, I decided to just avoid him the rest of the night.

Well, as I write this post I realized that it wasn't Falkor at all who did the snotting in The Neverending Story; it was the turtle. This little fact makes my story doubly retarded because I got the reference wrong. Below is the video proof. Now, imagine the dude as Atreyu and me as the turtle. Except we were in the middle of an unhot New Year's Kiss in a dive bar in Fishtown. Welcome to my life.

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Cringe and Tell: My Worst Kiss

When I reflect on the truly bad kissers I've encountered in this town, one boy in particular pops into my head.

Let me first say that this guy is a huge sweetie. We got along instantly. He is supersmart, accomplished, has good style, and is a great conversationalist. Finishing up his engineering degree, he was teaching some classes which totally piqued my interest. You know how I eat that "Professor thing" right up! We could talk for hours upon hours about music, television, movies; you get the drift. He is a little bit on the young side (22) so I knew I couldn't take him too seriously. But, I was trying to be open to it.

For our first date, he came over to my place. There he was at my door, grinning ear to ear with two bottles of wine in each hand; one white and one red because he wasn't sure which one I liked better. Now that's just adorkable. We gulped the wine down in an effort to calm our nerves, which it did. It was going pretty well. As each new glass of wine was poured, I noticed that he inched closer to me on the sofa. But, nothing could prepare me for the horrors about to come.

He finished off his fourth glass of wine when he just went for it. Oy vey. What sealed his fate was his one-two punch of both excessive slobbering and terrible breath. I mean, it was like the Vietnam War of kissing. His spit was flying everywhere! I think some of it got on my forehead. Ugh. It was truly gag-inducing. I had to cut our makeout sesh short because I couldn't take it anymore. Boxers only have to be in the ring for a few minutes and they at least get a towel afterwards. Sorry about the boxing reference, I just watched Million Dollar Baby the other day. Once he left, I wiped my mouth on the back of my sweater sleeve and promptly brushed my teeth. There wasn't enough gum in the world to take that stank taste out of my mouth.

I ignored his attempts at going out again for a few months. Seriously, I ignored him for almost a full year. He kept persisting so I figured, "What the hell? I'll give him a second chance." We met up for Sunday drinks at a place near my house. As before, we got along great. He even presented a mix CD he'd made for me. How freaking cute is that? After our date, he asked me if I wanted to come up and see his place. And, with that, he leaned it and planted a kiss smack on my lips. Oh God, it was just as horrible as before. Same sloppy lips, same terrible breath. His tongue was forceful and exploring all parts of my mouth that even my dentist didn't care about.

I declined his invitation to go upstairs and have blown off his repeated attempts at a third date. I know, I feel terrible about it. He made me a mix CD for crying out loud! But, I have my standards. Sorry, fella. Pop a Cert and tighten your game then MAYBE I'd consider MAYBE going out with you again. Ya dig??

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Welcome!

So, I was here sipping my coffee and I thought it'd be fun to share my stories about my dating disasters.

As a side note, to any dudes I allude to, I just want to say that this site is all in good fun. I decided that I wasn't going to come out and name any names because I'm not interested in hurting anyone's feelings by divulging any personal information. I just like having a place to rant and rave about my general experiences.

And, on a more personal note, I'm not interested in bumming out any dudes in my life that I care about. As a general guideline, if we are still in regular contact, I will most likely not bust on you. Capiche? AND, we fully intend to poke fun at ourselves for any retarded stuff we've done too. Believe me, we know our halos have some dents in them.

So, enjoy the site. Crack up at our misfortunes and poor judgments. Tell your friends.

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