This Week: Worst Blind Dates

Blind dates, by nature, are anxiety-ridden and stressful. Both parties involved show up with their own set of expectations and often times, these expectations differ wildly. For instance, we expect them to be gentlemanly, clean, and polite. Pretty crazy, right? And, God knows what they expect from us. A pulse and a pretty face, perhaps?

Web sites like MySpace and Facebook can help a little bit because you can at least see what the person looks like before you commit to spend time with them. But, even knowing what they look like won't prepare you for their lisps, bad breath, and terrible manners. Oh no, you don't get to find that out until they are sitting across the table asking to split the bill.

This week, we are recounting our most terrible blind dates. If there was a hall of fame for horrible dates, these guys would be in it. If you have any bad blind date stories you'd like to share--even if they were with us!--send 'em on over to tips@shmittenkitten.com. Enjoy!

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Anna's Worst Blind Date: The Big Lebow-SLEAZE

I have my dear ol' Mom to thank for this dating disaster. You know how they say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, file this story under that heading.

My Mom gave my phone number to a woman in her book club who's cousin was a single, Jewish guy who happened to live right in my neighborhood. Um, ok. What did she tell me about this potential Romeo? Two facts: he was very tall and he had long hair. I'm not sure if my Mom has ever met me--and I'm pretty sure that she has--but those two facts alone made my ovaries shrivel.

Well, sure enough, homeboy called me a few weeks later. He introduced himself and we made some pleasant small talk. Here's what I learned:

• He was 37
  
• He is indeed very tall--6'2 to be exact
  
• He has a "punk rock poodle." WTF? (more on that later)
  
• He frequents some of the same local watering holes that I frequent and claimed that we've actually met before
  

He insisted that we had met very recently and namechecked some mutual friends. Who was this guy? So, I casually mentioned that my buddy Rob was DJing at a bar that week and that he should stop by. After we hung up, I told Shannon about this dude and how nice our conversation was. Her eyes got all big and her mouth dropped to the floor.

"You know who that is, right? That's the guy who always stares at you whenever we go to the North Star. You hate him, Anna."

"No!" Denial is the first stage, right?

"Yes! Yes, it is!" she stammered. "That's that guy who has the long hair, he's really tall, he always wears those old man Hawaiian shirts and he has that awful poodle with dreadlocks. Remember? He showed up to Rob's birthday party the other week and you ran away. Oh God, you have a date with him?" 

I was horrified. Yes, my Mom had inadvertently given my number to the creepy guy who always stared at me whenever I ran into him, which was on a regular basis. And, it's not a cute, playful, coy stare. It is a full-on Cape Fear, lazer-beam stalker stare. The kind that sears into your brain. He really makes me uncomfortable. But, that's not the worst part. He looks like a freakish love child between The Dude from The Big Lebowski and the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons who moonlights as a cashier at Trader Joe's. Seriously! This guy is not hot.

I immediately called my Mom and freaked out on her that she gave my number to this greasy bohunk and that before he was just a creepy guy I avoided but now he's a creepy guy I avoid who now knows my name and my phone number. She apologized profusely and deadpanned, "Well, I guess you'll just have to move, Honey." Haha. I love you, Mom!

Thursday came around and I went to Rob's night after work. I hoped and prayed that the Big Lebow-SLEAZE would totally forget about our hangout date. I gulped down a beer and checked my watch. Sure enough, he came in at exactly 9:01 wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a smile. He looked like he was in the third trimester of carrying a beer baby. I almost gagged when I heard him say my name.

He sat down and we made extremely awkward conversation. I was

so flustered and freaked out I could barely look him in the eye. It was terrible. It was torture. I think I almost cried at one point.

After about 15 minutes, I announced that I was going to go hang out with my friends now, which meant that I would swivel in my chair to the right and talk with my buddy Mikki, who was sitting beside me. He angrily finished his beer and ordered another one. He slammed that one too, hard. Then he pounded the empty glass on the bar, lept out of his chair and mumbled to me, "Well, that was fun." And, with that, he walked out.

I felt awful for being so disconnected, but what can I say? The guy made my skin crawl. Rob came over to console me and said, "Well, Anna, he is a 37 year-old guy that has long hair and wears Hawaiian shirts. He's kind of painting himself into a corner, dating-wise." So true, Rob. So true.

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On the Scene Report: Popped! People

We went to the Popped! festival yesterday and the amount of inspiration for sketch ideas was through the roof. We didn't know who to draw first: the high school kids in full-on hot topic gear or the melting punk rocker with the pristine mohawk wearing more make-up than my Mom. Of course, there were plenty of shirtless college dudes milling about taking in the sun's rays (have fun tending to your sunburns today, boys).

We even spied a little Kitten-in-Training. Observe:

Not bad, Maya! Once you hit Jr. High and play a few rounds of spin the bottle you might have some material to contribute.

We couldn't draw everyone we saw, but these lucky few were the ones who made the cut. Enjoy!

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Popped! People: The Princess of Popped!

This next one is a personal favorite for two reasons: it was drawn by the incredibly talented Jenna Davis about the incredibly awesome Alexis, the mastermind of the entire Popped! fest.

Thank you, Alexis, for throwing the funnest fest ever. You are definitely the hostess with the most-ess, as they say. Thank you, Jenna, for being just plain amazing. We had a blast and can't wait until next year's fest. We've already marked it in our social calendars. In pen.

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...And We Have A Winner!

A huge congrats goes out to Rachel for her awesome idea of sketching The Rittenhouse Lawyer. Her point-by-point description of this douchetard had us in belly laughs. We'll get crackin' on that A.S.A.P. Enjoy your tickets to Popped!

A big thanks to everyone who submitted ideas. A few honorable mentions we received include:

• The Wannabe New Yorker. This would basically be girls who wish our awesome Gayborhood was the West Village and love the fact that Philly is referred to as "the 6th borough." These girls are LAME!
• The Mutter Museum-goer. I would have no idea how to draw this person as I'm not sure what a typical Mutter-goer looks like. I actually go to the Mutter quite frequently, but I'm not sure of the physical characteristics of its attendees. I would most likely have just drawn a nerd with a fetus in a jar behind him.

Also, we'll be at Popped! all day today drawing festival-goers which will be featured on our site next week. Get your game face on. No one is safe. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!



See you there, suckers!

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Contest Contest: Win Two Tix to the Popped! Festival on Saturday

Step right up! This here is the first ever Shmitten Kitten contest. Pretty exciting, right?

Here's the deal: we wanna know what you'd like to see us cover next on our site. Which stories or drawings would you like to see us take a stab at? We're open to any topics your little heads can think up. You are in the driver's seat here, Philly. Come up with something awesome for us!

Submit your suggestions to tips@shmittenkitten.com by tomorrow and we will pick the best idea outta the bunch. That lucky genius will win two tickets to the Popped! Festival happening this weekend and will get to see their brilliant suggestion fully realized on our site (with our own unique Shmitten-spin on it, of course). Yup, you and your best homie will soak up the sun, scope out some hot young thangs, and rock out to some rad bands. We'll be there at Popped! too, hanging out and sketching some dudez. Come find us and give us high-fives.

We're excited to see what you guys come up with. Think! Submit! Win!

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Anna's Guide To Summer Flingin'

As summer rolls in and temperatures rise, you might find yourself pursuing a summer fling while you are on vacation. Go for it! But, just be sure to keep your wits about you and don't get involved emotionally. So, with you in mind, dear readers, we have compiled a Guide to Summer Dating. Check it:

1. Keep it simple and keep in mind that casual is key. Allow all expectations of further contact between you two to fade along with your tan lines. The thrill of an arrangement like this is that it is so fleeting. Embrace these fleeting feelings!

2. Don't Add Each Other to Your Social Networks: It can seem tempting to accept his MySpace and/or Facebook requests, but believe me, you'll cringe at his obnoxious status updates, insistent PARTY!!1! bulletins and his constant stream of group party pics come fall. This guy will lose all of his charm when the only contact you have with him is through awkward Facebook emails riddled with grammatical errors. Besides, summer guys, as a rule, don't look as hot in turtleneck sweaters come autumn.

3. Lower Your Standards: You might be surprised at the dudes you find yourself entertaining while summer flinging. He's a pizza delivery boy? Sure, why not? He still lives at home with his parents? As long as he makes a decent effort and is polite, sure we'll keep him around for a few weeks. Does he wear a hemp necklace, shave his chest and wear mandals, i.e. mens' sandals? Oh wait, hold up, that's a no go. Come on, we still have some standards left.

4. Don't Get Too Involved in His Family: Summer guy might try to drag you along to some barbecue shindig or a miniature golf game with his fam, but don't fall for it. Although the allure of possible free food and drinks might be tempting, the truth is that you're gonna forget him in two weeks and it's not worth the stress of making small talk with his bratty little sister or his creepy Hillbilly uncle. Trust us, just say no!

5. Enjoy Yourself: Summer flings are meant to be as fun as chomping on a snow cone on the boardwalk. It is as ephemeral as cotton candy. And it's as scrumptious as a big basket of cheese fries. Wait, what was I talking about? Now I'm just hungry.

Anyway, if you follow these simple steps, you can be sure to flaunt your fling with the best of 'em!

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Updated Updates

Hey Guys!

We've been busy over here at Shmitten Kitten headquarters.

• I, Anna, have been the guest editor on Philebrity this whole week. Yup, while Joey and Ruth have been relaxing shoreside, I've been cranking out the posts--about 10 a day!--and having a total blast while I'm doing it. Bop over and check it out, if you haven't already.
• Shannon and I will be taking our sketch books to the Popped! Festival and drawing some festival goers for ya. We are really looking forward to meeting some of our readers and watching the bands play. If you see us there, please stop over and say hello.
• If you've noticed, we have a "Store" section now too. It's right up top under our heading. If you wanna buy any of our posters, give a shout and we'll hook it up!
  
• Additionally, we have been busy putting some new posts together which we hope to debut soon. We have been working on some hysterical stories that we think you'll really enjoy.

So, stay tuned. We have some rad stuff coming your way!

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