May 10, 2012

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Have Never Been On An Airplane

"Never?"
"No."
"Ever?"
"I said no. Is that so weird?" He was starting to get agitated.
"It's pretty weird!"
"It's not that weird."
"I'm telling you, it is! What kind of adult has never been on a plane?"
"I don't know what to tell you." His voice was getting higher. "It just hasn't come up yet."
"How old are you again?"
"31."
"Okay. In your 31 years of life on this planet, you've never had to get on a plane? No funerals, no vacations, no cousins' weddings?"
"Are you done?"
"Have you ever seen a pilot in real life?"
"Seriously, are you done?"
"Answer my question!"
"I've seen a pilot. I mean, yeah."
"Was it in an airport?"
"No, I think it was at the supermarket."
"Have you ever been in an airport?"
"Sure. I'm not like, a mole person."
"So, I take it you're not in the mile-high club then?"
"Alright, we're done talking about this."
"I can't believe that you've never been on an airplane. Now I feel like it's my duty in life to facilitate this dream for you."
"It's not a dream of mine. Don't worry about it."
"No, I'm gonna hold a bake sale. Or collect coins in Pepsi cans like in Ferris Bueller. Maybe we can do a Kickstartr campaign?"
"I have no idea why I even told you about this."
 "I believe I can fly/ I believe I can touch the sky," I sang.
"I hate you."
"You don't hate me. You hate airplanes." Suddenly, I had an idea. I took out my phone and started typing on it.
"What are you doing?" he asked, leaning over to see the screen.
"If you must know, I'm looking up the words to the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song "Aeroplane."
He rolled his eyes which made me laugh.
"Oh, shit. Found 'em! 'I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane/ It's my aeroplane.'"
He covered his ears and frowned which made me laugh even harder.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Abbreviated version:

"Never?"
"No."
"nagnagnagnagnagnagnag"

Anna said...

Awwwwww.

Anonymous said...

Seriously. This is one of the more mean-spirited post ever. What the fuck?

Brad said...

I thought it was funny. It seemed light-hearted to me!

Andrea said...

...seriously, he's never been on an airplane?

I'm with you, Anna. That shit's crazy.

Anonymous said...

Seriously. I generally think you're funny, but that's a jerk move to harp on something when he's clearly uncomfortable.

Anna said...

This was based on my first love who had never been in an airplane. We joked around a lot and I loved pushing his buttons so I wanted to capture the kind of banter we'd have about it. Don't worry; he'd make fun of me just as much for not owning a record player. I assure you, I wrote this post with a lot of love.

Anonymous said...

The love doesn't come through, for me.

All I imagine, reading this, is some poor guy closing his eyes and patiently waiting for you to finally become distracted enough to take your teeth out his leg.

Solo4114 said...

Absent vocal tone, it's impossible to tell who's "right" and who's "wrong" in this situation.

If you're just joking around and everyone knows there's no harm meant and is actually rolling with the punches, then hey, no harm, no foul.


On the other hand...who bears the blame if you're just kidding around and he's getting bent out of shape?

Is it him for getting all pissy with you when you're clearly just joking?

Is it you for continuing to bug him when he's made it clear he IS getting pissed?

Where's that line drawn? I have no idea, myself, and I suspect it's a little of both. Like, it's not cool to bug someone you claim to really care about when they've made it clear you're pissing them off. But also, lighten up, Francis -- it's just a joke. Nobody's attacking your manhood. Well, other than Brodie, but that's just because you keep saying your idea of a perfect date is taking her to the Cheese Haus, followed by a round of golf, and then maybe taking in Die Fledermaus, and...

Anonymous said...

hahaha, like how Charlie has trouble leaving Philly.

Anna said...

YES! Exactly!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if I'm taking this too seriously, especially since I laugh at most of your other posts that are similar to this... but I think it's pretty mean to classify this as a "bonerkiller". It's one thing for it to be a cute anecdote about the playful banter you had with a guy and I'm all about the all-in-good-fun-teasing... But, out of context and applied to guys or people in general (as in not this one situation with a guy you presumably knew well enough at the time to feel comfortable ribbing him), it comes across sort of rude.

There are a lot of reasons someone may not have ever flown on an airplane. Two big ones I can think of are having a phobia or not being able to afford it. Mocking someone about a potential psychological issue, or their financial situation is uncalled for. Yes, for a lot of us, taking a plane to get someplace seems like a given, a rite of passage almost. But for many many other people, it is a privilege and one that they may not have access to.

Anna said...

I hear what you're saying, but this isn't about someone not having money or a phobia, this is about a guy I knew who has never flown. It's the difference between "can't" fly and "wouldn't" fly. And, it was a bonerkiller because we could never go anywhere on vacation together. And, he didn't visit me when I moved away for college because he was unwilling to get on a plane. He also only ate pizza and was afraid of talking to my parents. He was scared of everything.

Bonerkillers are basically ways of saying, "it bummed me out when he did this." I was bummed out that he did this but honestly, NO BIG WHOOP. I still loved him. I'd still hit it with him. We still dated. But, did it suck that he wouldn't fly? Yes!

Lia said...

As I said in my previous comment, I don't have a problem with your teasing in this particular scenario. I'm all for good-natured teasing and I agree that I would probably be bummed out in that situation too. And I understand that bonerkillers are not necessarily deal-breakers.

But what still irks me a bit about this post is the generalization, specifically the phrasing "guys who have never been on an airplane." That phrasing generalizes and passes judgement on people who may not have had a choice about their lack of flying experience.

I can think of plenty of ways to phrase this as a "wouldn't" rather than a "couldn't" issue:
"guys who won't travel by airplane"
"guys who are uninterested in flying on an airplane"
"guys who are unwilling to fly on an airplane"
"guys who refuse to fly on an airplane"

Again, I'm sorry for probably taking this too seriously, but as a long time reader, I've seen bonerkillers as being about conscious choices that guys make. And although for this particular guy, it was a conscious choice, that's not necessarily true for everyone in this situation.

Tony Spectacular said...

Oh my fucking god! I will go ahead out on a limb and say that if you can't take some good natured ball breaking from a cute girl who's obviously showing interest in you then you need to fuck directly off of the east coast. <3 this.

Anna said...

Thanks, Tony. I <3 YOU!

Anonymous said...

bonerkiller: people who take a funny little blog post way too seriously.

Emily Sunderland said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

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