Well Played: You Took Me to the Neighborhood Bar on Our First Date

Your charm and/or stellar good looks have convinced me that it is a good, nay, great idea to give you my number and accept your invitation for a date. This is your big chance to pull out all the stops, show me your radical first date moves and impress me.

So, when you met me at my neighborhood bar for our first date, I'm underwhelmed with your choice. No fancy restaurant? No unknown dive bar across town? No hole-in-the-wall underground cave where you need to know a secret password to get in? You must have some kind of magic card up your sleeve, Mister, to think you are going to impress me with this. If this date were any more low key, it'd be the lowest note on the piano. Honestly, that note is the sound I hear when I think about our date: a dull, unsexy, unfunny low note the exact pitch of a walrus' mating call.

Yet for some reason, I decided to give your date a shot. A snarky shot, but a shot nonetheless. And I was pleasantly surprised when I found that this date locale did not completely bum me out. As I walked into the bar (like I do on a weekly basis), I am not all a-jitter and out of my element. In fact, I am as near to my element as I have ever been on a first date. My element and me are like this: *crosses fingers*

Instead of the oh-fuck-I’m-on-a-first-date feeling I normally have, I have a cool and confident “I’m gonna own this date” feeling. Did I just pop a mint candy because I feel like I'm in a Mentos commercial, giving the thumb's up to the camera at the end of the spot. Going to a place I am used to doesn’t even bore me like I expected it to! I applaud you Mr. I’ll-Take-a-Girl-to-the-Neighborhood-Bar-and-Make-it-Work Guy. Your lack of trying to impress me has really impressed me. Well played.

Well Played: You Took Me to the Neighborhood Bar on Our First Date

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Bonerkiller: We Get The Sense That You'd Rather Date Your Bike

I get it: riding a bike is a quick, eco-friendly, and inexpensive way to get from place to place. I understand that along with these desirable attributes, you also get to have fun while in transit. But sometimes, Bike Dude, you take it a little too far.

At first I’m impressed with your passion for bike riding. "He’s so totally not lazy and he looks good on that thing," I’ll think to myself as you pedal your way around town. I’ll daydream about us cruising along together, exploring unfamiliar parts of the city that bikes make more accessible.

But the more we hang out, the more apparent your obsession becomes. You spend all your days off tending to your bike: greasing the chain, pumping up tires, and tweaking things I didn’t even know were necessary! You soup that thing up like one of those crazy car fanatics. My old cruiser is an embarrassment to you and your hip, brakeless wonder. On the occasion that we do ride together, you zoom off, leaving my little old Schwinn and me in the dust. Is it so the two of you can have more alone time? When I start to feel like you would rather spoon your fixie than spoon me, something has got to give.

Maybe that sleek paint job and those brightly colored rims really get you going, but what about your gal all dolled up in a cute summer sundress? If I had two wheels and handlebars would you be more apt to take me out for a spin? Seems like my lady-loving is of no use to you; your bike-girlfriend has got you covered.

Bonerkiller: We Get The Sense That You'd Rather Date Your Bike

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Things I’m Terrible At: Turning Down A Date With A Really Nice Guy I Have No Interest In

Normally, I think of myself as a pretty direct and honest lady. For the most part, I know what I want. This decisiveness usually applies where dudes are concerned too. But every now and then, a really nice guy comes along. Not just a nice guy, but a bonafide sweetheart: he opens doors, he pulls out chairs, he magically pops up at your job just to say "hi,” and he even calls his mom on the regular. This guy is a dreamboat of niceness.

But despite his sweet nature, you’re just not attracted to him. When you glance his way, instead of butterflies in your stomach and fireworks going off in your chest, you’re overcome with, well nothing. You just can’t get into Mr. Nice Guy despite your best efforts trying to convince yourself of his desirability. You look like a crazy person as you debate his finer points to yourself. "He's great with kids and he'd make a great dad," you reason. "Yeah, but for someone else's kids," you mutter under your breath.

Aaaaand right around then is when he usually asks me out on a date. Logically, my answer should always be a cut and dry, “No,” a “Sorry, I can’t” or a “Golly, I’m busy forever!” But instead, I panic. How can I turn down someone THAT nice?! Mistakenly, I think, going out with him once won’t do any harm and instead of handing out a short but sweet rejection, I say, “Sure, why not!” I end up regretting it faster than when I chug a city-wide Philly special--PBR and a shot of Jim Beam for all of you out-of-towners--on a Friday night.

Why do I feel compelled to say yes to guys who ask me out simply because they are nice? There must be some part of my brain that agrees with the backwards logic that thinks going out with him once is not leading anybody on; if anything, it's just being courteous. Once the influx of texts, calls, and Facebook messages begins after that “harmless” first (and only, I hope) date, I kick myself. I am not good at turning down dates with nice guys. In fact, I'm terrible at it.

Things I’m Terrible At: Turning Down A Date With A Really Nice Guy I Have No Interest In

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