Spoiler Alert: You Will Ulitmately Disappoint Me Because I'm In Love With Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Our reader Tara sent this in about her thoughts watching the movie (500) Days of Summer. It's a bit like reading her diary. But, we know what she means: we feel the same way about Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. After watching that movie on a date, no man could ever live up to Marty McFly's vested/skater/guitar player/purple Calvin Klein underwear cuteness. Apparently, Joseph Gordon-Levitt had the same affect on her. Read on:

For the next 108 minutes, I'm going to be judging our "relationship"--or whatever it is that's going on between us. I'm not saying we're boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm just saying something is going on with us. Or, not even something, but we're seeing each other casually. Right?

I came into the date thinking we'd see a movie, hold hands a bit, maybe revert to some circa seventh grade dating rituals. But 30 seconds into the movie, I couldn't help but notice that this on-screen couple is basically perfect, and that this lead hyphenated-last-name-actor-guy had everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend.

I keep thinking how no one else in the theater is in love with him like I am, and how if we could just meet I bet we would fall in love the same way that girls in movies fall in love with guys on the radio from Seattle.

I am thinking about how if he asked me to marry him I would say yes. Crazy, I know. For at least the next 48 hours, I'm going to secretly resent you for not being as perfect or as good of a dresser as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I will be depressed that I am not as adorable the female lead, what's-her-name. As you can imagine, I'm really fun to be around when I'm like this.

After the movie, when we walk a few blocks to get something to eat, I won't say much of anything. You'll try to cheer me up, but everything you do just won't be as cute as what the guy in the movie was trying to do to be cute. And even though the girl in the movie rolled her eyes when her boyfriend was trying to be cute, he really WAS cute and she was a fool, where as with us, you really AREN'T cute, and I could do so much better.

It was nice of you to pay for dinner though.

P.S. You still like me, right?

Whoa! Sorry to say this--and we'll probably get some heat for admitting it--but if there was a college course about how women really think sometimes, this letter would be on the syllabus.

Spoiler Alert: You Will Ulitmately Disappoint Me Because I'm In Love With Joseph Gordon-Levitt

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This Week: Movie Mayhem

Besides going out for dinner, going to the movies is one of the basic building blocks of a date. If dating were the Periodic Table, going to see a movie would be hydrogen (that's a science joke for all you nerrrds out there.) So, you're in the dark snuggled up in a comfortable seat with a dude; what could go wrong?

Well, a lot of things apparently. This week we will talk about all the ways a movie date can go south. Whether it's the choice of film, the awkwardness of sitting next to a relative stranger for roughly two hours, or an unfortunate popcorn-related accident, there's plenty of room for movie dates to quickly transform into horror stories.

Can you relate? Drop us a line to hi@shmittenkitten.com and tell us your movie mayhem story. Pass the popcorn!

This Week: Movie Mayhem

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Movie Mayhem: I was That Dude

We received this reader submission from Danny. Apparently, he's been on the other side of the movie date coin. See?

I've been reading these stories of bad movie dates and laughing until I remembered that I've been that dude. There was this one time in high school when I asked a girl to the movies and she, surprisingly, said yes. Years later, I learned it was a pity date; a mutual friend convinced her to go with me. [Ed. note: Insert "awww!" here.]

My mom drove. We picked her up and found out she'd be bringing a mutual friend along for support. Strike one: this date wouldn't be going smoothly. We got dropped off at the theater and I hadn't planned well--or, at all really--so I picked whatever movie started the soonest. I paid for her ticket thinking I was being gentlemanly, but she offered to pay me back. Strike two.

We walked into The Scorpion King five minutes late. I didn't even buy popcorn and we sat in the second row in front of her ex-boyfriend. My "date" leaned over towards her friend the whole time. Strike three. It was the worst movie I've ever seen and that says a lot because I think The Rock is a generally likeable guy.

The friend's mom drove us home. There was an awkward, and probably unwarranted, hug in the backseat when I got dropped off. We hung out after because we had the same friends, but we never talked about that date again. On the happier side, I ended up dating the mutual friend later and did bring her to the movies without it going terribly awkward.

Oh man, that does sound truly torturous, although I'm pretty sure this all has happened in a Saved By The Bell episode. I'm pleased to hear that you've bounced back. I'm sure now you pick out a certain movie, coordinate the time, and even buy her popcorn. The more you know!

Movie Mayhem: I was That Dude

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Movie Mayhem: Watch At Your Own Risk

Nothing's worse than spoiling the mood with an intensely inappropriately flick. May we humbly suggest that you stay away from these films if you'd like to keep the romance alive:

• War documentaries, especially about the Iraq War and its subsequent mismanagement.
• For that matter, any of Michael Moore's films.
• An Inconvenient Truth. Global environmental crises are a bummer. The only thing that rises in the film is the dolly Al Gore uses to demonstrate our skyrocketing carbon dioxide levels.
  
• New skool Star Wars movies. Just say no to Jar Jar!
• Any movie where an NBA star interacts with animated characters *cough, Space Jam, cough*
• Rambo/Rocky movies. Really, anything with Sylvester Stallone. Gross-a-loss.
  
• Movies that involve a psycho girl: Single White Female, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Monster, etc.
  
• Blazing Saddles. I still haven't seen this, much to many boys' chagrins. I probably never will just to spite them.
  
• Closer. A movie about deceptive, cheating couples? Don't do it!
• Complicated, plot-driven television shows on DVD. For example, it's really hard to get sexxxy to the 1st season of The Wire.
  
• Anything with Jean Claude Van Damme/ Steven Segal/ Chuck Norris. I don't care how rad that high kick is. Snore!
  

What movies would you suggest couples on a date should stay away from?

Movie Mayhem: Watch At Your Own Risk

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Movie Mayhem: Rings And Necklaces

Movie dates can be a sweet intro into dating when you are young, but what if the whole date is a surprise?

I thought nothing of it when my friend John asked me to the movies. With only a driver's permit in my purse, my mom dropped me off at the movie theater, where I unknowingly waltzed into my very first date. I saw my friend John sitting at a table near the snack counter, alone. He wore a pea coat and nice shoes. He said that he already bought tickets and that no other friends were joining us for the movie. Wait, what?

In well-concealed confusion, I went to buy some snacks and realized--duh!--John had invited me out on a date. As a junior in high school, I felt genuine panic, mostly because I didn't know what to do on a date! Stranded at The Regal with a large popcorn tub in my hands, I considered the situation.

When I got back to our seats, he handed me a small gift box: a souvenir from his family vacation. Wrapped in Disney paper, I was expecting a key chain or some other reasonably priced souvenir. Instead, cradled in tissue paper, I found a silver necklace with a heart and a Tinkerbell charm dangling from it.

This shouldn't have been complicated, but being a teenage Bridget Jones, it naturally was. Aside from feeling awkward by receiving a gift on a date I didn't realize I was going on, I happened to have one of the worst topical allergies to metal my doctor has ever seen. I practically break out with terrible eczema just looking at jewelry. Despite the obvious consequences, I slipped the necklace on and said thank you.

My teenage Romeo wanted to hold my hand for the entire movie. And in case you live under a rock and didn't know, The Lord of the Rings movie is three hours long. Frodo & co. were boring me so much that I couldn't move and my hand fell asleep in his. Instead of fluttery emotion, all I was feeling were pins and needles. The hand holding also foiled my plan to remove Tinkerbell from my increasingly itchy neck.

I finally excused myself, shaking my numb hand the whole way. I bolted to the bathroom, leaned into the mirror and discovered a bright red rash developing around my neck. I put the necklace in my pocket, then I called my mom to pick me up as I wrapped my scarf around me to conceal the growing rash. When the movie was over, I thanked John, told him I'd talk to him soon and dashed for my mother's car. We did talk later that evening, but our teenage romance wasn't going to develop past playing SNES on the weekends. We never ever spoke of our super awkward movie date again.

Movie Mayhem: Rings And Necklaces

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Movie Mayhem: Hunger Pangs, A Mood Ruiner

We received this reader submission from Attia. It's almost like an afterschool special about what NOT to do on a movie date:

I went to The Ritz with this incredibly hot guy who I had been in love with since forever. I decided to see Paris Je T'aime with him because I thought it would be the perfect date movie. Since I didn't want us to miss the movie, I made up a lie about not being hungry. In hindsight, that was a Bad Idea.

Throughout the film, my stomach made the strangest noises imaginable and I tried everything I could to cover them up. I was soooo embarrassed because everyone in the theater could hear 'em. I fidgeted in my seat and just felt really uncomfortable about it. Meanwhile, my "date" kept falling asleep during the film. After the movie, I wanted to crawl under one of the seats and die either from embarrassment or starvation, possibly both combined.

We awkwardly parted ways at the train. He called me the next day and told me how how much of a good time he didn't have. I lied and said that I was really depressed and that I wasn't really ready to "hang out" with him. I guess lying isn't my strong suit. It was a nightmare! I am really good friends with this guy now but I refuse to go on any solo dates with him in fear of my stomach doing back flips.

I'm not a professionally trained medical professional or anything, but it seems like eating a slice of 'za before the movie could've saved your entire relationship. Well, if a guy can't laugh at your growlin' tummy or at least offer to go grab you guys some popcorn, then he doesn't sound like much fun anyway. Down with growlin' tummy non-laughers and popcorn non-grabbers!

Movie Mayhem: Hunger Pangs, A Mood Ruiner

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Movie Mayhem: Those Rogue Kernels

We received this reader submission from Elizabeth about one of the diciest predicaments a girl could find herself in while on a movie date: getting popcorn stuck in your bra. Take it away, Elizabeth:

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Can I get a, "Hells, yeah!" from every lady who has sat in a darkened theater and accidentally dropped a kernel or two of popcorn and had it land in their cleavage? You know the spot, just under your cutest shirt's neckline, balancing precariously on your underwire. And can I get a, "What what!" from every lady who has had to reach into her shirt to remove the popcorn, if only to avoid letting the popcorn fall further down her shirt.

Now, how about a loud, enthusiastic, "OH EM GEE!" from every woman who has had to execute this while sitting next to her date. And of course, that date happened to look over at the exact moment your fingers emerge from inside of your shirt. And OF COURSE the look on your date's face is a mix of surprise, disgust, and intrigue. Ladies, we have all been there.

To the boys out there: stop looking at us like that. We did our best--we straightened our hair, took our time putting on eyeliner, selected The Perfect Outfit, only to sit IN THE DARK. You should be happy you're with a girl who has enough cojones (er, cojonas?) to pull that popcorn out of her bra and not spend the next hour shifting uncomfortably. Oh, and you should be delighted to be on a date with a girl down to earth enough to pop that popcorn into her mouth and continue to watch the movie. Clearly this girl is a seasoned film buff who isn't thrown off by a stray piece of popcorn. She's not missing a beat and I can guarantee the post-movie discussion will be insightful.

So stop staring and go back to watching the movie. She's going to have a lot to say afterward, and you don't want to blow the whole date because you can't keep up.

-Elizabeth Marley Eisenstein

There you have it! Chomp chomp.

Movie Mayhem: Those Rogue Kernels

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Movie Mayhem: Bubba Blues

This guy, let's call him Bubba, was one of the sweetest guys I knew. He had asked me out a few times over the years, but I always politely deferred. Well, this time when he asked me out to a movie, I said yes. I thought I'd throw him a dating bone. I mean, he called me on the telephone and asked me out on a date like a mature human being so I agreed. It seemed harmless enough, right?

Let's back up a bit. Bubba was a really big dude. Like, really big. He was in a popular local hardcore band, so he made the obese thing work for him with the "cargo shorts and tattoos" look. It is safe to say that he had a doughy physique, if you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down. *collar tug*

On date night, he pulled up to my house in his a red pickup truck. I hopped in and off we went. He seemed really nervous which only made me more nervous. The movie I chose for us to see was Austin Powers II, which proved to be a terrible decision and not just because the movie was woefully unfunny.

At the theater, I remember him wedging himself into the seat. It was painful to watch. The poor guy looked like a loaf of bread stuffed into a matchbox.

Well, if you remember, one of the characters in the movie is named Fat Bastard. When he came on screen bellowing his catchphrase, "Get in my belly!" I wanted to straight up die. I felt terrible for Bubba. It was really hard to ignore their similarities. I was mortified! The more fat jokes Fat Bastard rattled off, the redder my face became. How could I have taken him to this terrible film? The poor guy! He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. I avoided all eye contact.

I prayed the entire ride home that he wouldn't try to kiss me. When he pulled up to my house, I sprang out of my seat, thanking him for picking me up as I bolted out the door. To this day, I feel terrible about this movie misstep. I'm sorry, Bubba! Yikes times ten.

Movie Mayhem: Bubba Blues

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