Park Life: Urban Outfitters Employee On His Lunch Break

With Urban Outfitters located a hop, skip and a jump away from the park, this little guy can be seen milling around daily. He is a chain smoker--which he uses as an excuse to take a smoke break every 15 minutes--and he constantly checks his cell phone for incoming texts. He might help you find the t-shirt you need if he's in the mood to be nice, which depends on if he's just had a coffee or not.

This is his second retail job ever, as his first one was at the Hot Topic at Cherry Hill Mall. His pants are slim and his attitude is shitty, but if you're his friend he will hook you up with a discount, BIG TIME.

Park Life: Urban Outfitters Employee On His Lunch Break

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Park Life: Sweaty Hackysack Guy

Oh God, every park has this toolbox dude kicking around. Did I miss a memo? Do you need to have one of these champs on display to qualify for park funding from the state?

He is harmless, for the most part, but becomes severely grating when he's either drunk or stoned. He'll bring his own boombox to the park and blast something cliche like Bob Marley or Sublime. Sometimes he'll just tune in to the radio, which will further catapult him into public nuisance-land.

If this guy were an action figure, he'd come with douchey wraparound shades, a Jeep and a sunburn.

Park Life: Sweaty Hackysack Guy

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Park Life: Dos and Don'ts (Well, Mostly Don'ts)

After being buried under coats and scarves for the past few months, it feels great to leave the house (jacket-free!) and sit in the park soaking up the rays. And, Rittenhouse Square Park is such a fantastic spot for premium park time. However, after looking at Philly's menfolk milling around park-side for the past few weeks, I have been astounded at some of the trends that I have witnessed.

Dudes, here's a quick, handy guide for y'alls about what makes us turn to our buddies and whisper about you--and not in a good way.

• Rollerbladers: we are in-line-haters of the in-line-skaters! Hackers was a cool movie and we know it made laptops and rollerblades look cool for about one month sometime in the mid-'90s, but honestly, those rollerblades have got to go!
  
• Mandals (dudes wearing sandals): This shit just looks terrible, especially when worn with socks. Cringe. Hairy toes are not hot!
• Any activity taking place in a circle which can include: hackysack circles, drum circles, and acoustic guitar circles. These activity circles--and we use the word "activity" loosely here--are always a low scene. It makes it exponentially worse when the participants take their shirts off and let their gnarly armpit hair flap in the wind.
  
• Bad singing and crappy guitar playing by a pseudo art hippy that doesn't have enough friends to form the aforementioned acoustic guitar circle. It takes all of my self-control to not throw my empty coffee cup at him while he's doing his terrible rendition of "I Shot the Sheriff" for the fourth time in a row.
  
• Uglyish dudes with a cute puppy who don't stop when kids want to pet it, but stops for any hot chick who's slightly interested in his dog. It's lame and we can see right through this puppy pimp! Someone should call PETA on this dodo.
  

Park Life: Dos and Don'ts (Well, Mostly Don'ts)

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