Tip Our Hats: Guys Who Had A Zine in High School

Guys who had a zine in high school are a special brand of nerd that we adore. It's so cute to picture a younger, rougher version of them assembling their zine on their bedroom floor, their fingers gooey with glue.

Once the thing was pieced together, they'd scam photocopies from either school, their job, or Kinko's. If they were the more daring variety, they might've even swiped some office supplies too. Pretty slick, zinesters.

Most of the zines had quickly drawn sketches and badly photocopied graphics, but whatever. The really good ones would stand out because they were constructed with not much more than talent, staples, and love.

They'd feel a jolt of pride when their zine was favorably reviewed in Maximumrocknroll, Punk Planet, or HeartAttack; they'd run their finger over the page in disbelief. Their parents' address was listed as the contact info. If they were serious about their zine, they'd have a dedicated P.O. box listed. Impressive!

Guys who had a zine in high school rule. They probably all have blogs now, which is fine. But, we gotta give those gluestick samurais from yesteryear props. We love you!

Tip Our Hats: Guys Who Had A Zine in High School

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Reader Submitted Math Problem (It Has To Do With Dating, Trust Us)

When we received this email from our reader, Jeff, we freaked out. His note is like if a TI-84 calculator and the VH-1 show Tough Love collided. There's A LOT of math involved, so all of you Mathletes out there, this one's for you:

Hi Shmitten Kitten!

I'm a big fan of the blog. I've been living and dating in Philly for about nine years, so it's nice to hear about things from the other side. I recently read about a guy in London, Peter Backus, who used the Drake equation to figure out how many potential girlfriends there were for him in London. As an engineering grad student, my natural reaction was to replicate this for myself using Philly census numbers. I thought you might find it interesting. Feel free to skip the math and go right to my conclusions at the end. Here comes the science:

Potential girlfriends = (C_p * C_a * C_g * C_s) * (F_e * F_h * F_o * F_p)
C_p = Population of Philadelphia = 1,448,394
C_a = Fraction of age appropriateness (25-34) = 0.148
C_g = Fraction of women = 0.535
C_s = Fraction that are single = 0.92
F_e = Fraction that are college grads = 0.2
F_h = Fraction that I find attractive = 0.07
F_o = Fraction that finds me attractive = 0.07
F_p = Fraction with a personality match = 0.1

C_a : The census reports this range and since I'm 33 it was a convenient number to use
C_g : Use 0.465 if looking for a b/f (sorry ladies). These numbers are for the entire population, likely closer to even for given age range
C_s : I couldn't find marriage numbers for age ranges so we'll go with 8% married/engaged for this age range
F_e : Since I've been in grad school forever, this seems like a reasonable criteria to set for me. The fraction of Philly with a college degree is 0.172 but it's likely higher for the given age range, so I went with 0.2. The number for a high school degree is 0.712
F_h & F_o : The original paper used 1/20 but here I'm using a number closer to 1/15, which is possibly overly optimistic.
F_p : 1/10 seems reasonable here

Plug all that in and round to an integer and it turns out that there are 10 potential girlfriends for me in all of Philadelphia. (Bonus nerd joke: if we use F_h = 0.125,F_o = 0.125 and F_p = 0.128, the answer is 42). Anyway, the point to all of this was to suggest that you should schedule some more speed dating sessions because it's rough out there and some of us need all the help we can get. Seriously, I did the math.

Whoa. Gulp. Wow. Exclamation point!

Reader Submitted Math Problem (It Has To Do With Dating, Trust Us)

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I Feel I Failed To Impress You With My Esoteric Star Trek TNG Joke

"So, I said to him, 'Who do you think that I am, Q?' It was too funny. Maybe you had to be there. Wait, why are you looking at me like that? Q! You know, that wily trickster guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The one who's always pulling Picard's pigtails. He's an omnipotent being and always arguing about how lame humans are. He's homies with the Borg. No? Nothing? You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?"

YOU SAID YOU LIKED NERDY GIRLS! What nerd is worth his nerd salt if he doesn't know who Q is? Sorry I didn't go for the obvious Geordi La Forge joke. That guy wears a banana clip for shades. Lame, right? *nervous laughter*

Honestly, I thought my esoteric Star Trek knowledge would impress you. I now see that I have failed to do that.

I Feel I Failed To Impress You With My Esoteric Star Trek TNG Joke

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Things That Make Us Go "Yikes": I Will Secretly Judge You Based On How Well You Performed on the SATs

This is crazy because I took my SATs, what, 15 years ago? Not to toot my own standardized testing horn, but I scored very well. I don't bring it up often--because really, who does?--but occasionally after I've been seeing a guy for a while it creeps into conversation.

We divulge our scores to each other with caution because these could be potentially treacherous waters. There are only a few ways that this can go. And, really he can't win.

For instance, say he scored lower than me. Automatically, I feel strange. He feels strange. It hangs in the air like fart. At first I am pleased to have scored higher, but that's quickly replaced by disappointment that I scored higher. I imagine us as a high school couple in study hall; me using the time for the intended purpose of studying and him being kicked out for talking in the back of the classroom. Like Claire and Bender from The Breakfast Club, we'd never have worked--unless he gave me a diamond earring and agreed to date me to piss off my dad.

Or, if he scored higher than me then I get indignant and competitive. Who does this guy think he is? I want to re-take the test just to show him up.

In a rare third instance, the guy will confess to having never taken his SATs. He might has well have told me that he was born with a tail because it is clear that we are two separate species of animal. Can we even procreate? Will our children be circus freaks? If he never took his SATs, he'll be unimpressed by my score because to him it's all just a jumble of useless numbers--which is what they really are anyways.

The only way that this will not end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings is if we have the same score, or scored within 20 point of each other. Then, it would be considered a draw and I would be able to swiftly move on, satisfied that I've met my standardized testing match.

How nerdy am I that this is even an issue with me? Am I the only one who does this? (Probably.) Is this weird? (Definitely.) Is there anything that you irrationally judge a guy on? Let us know at hi@shmittenkitten.com or just leave it in the comments section.

Things That Make Us Go "Yikes": I Will Secretly Judge You Based On How Well You Performed on the SATs

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Tip Our Hats: Space Cadets

As a former Space Camp attendee, I have to say that space dorks really rev my engine. How do you know if you're dealing with a space cadet? Well, odds are that he:

• Has eaten freeze dried ice cream
  
• Geeks out when Nova or The Elegant Universe airs on PBS
  
• Thinks that Neil deGrasse Tyson is, like, the awesomest guy ever
• Affixed glow-in-the-dark stars to his ceiling at some point in his youth
• Has a space-themed screensaver
• Is pumped that Carl Sagan's Cosmos is now available to watch on Hulu
  
• Thinks that 2001: A Space Odyssey is one of the best movies ever made
• Has a strong opinion about Pluto's controversial status as a planet
  
• Would take you to the planetarium on your a third date

We tip our hat to you, space cadets, for sharing our passion for the universe, literally. We, too, share your enthusiasm for all things astronomical.

Speaking of astronomical things, if any of you space dorks out there want to take me on a date to the planetarium, drop a line to me at anna@shmittenkitten.com. Let's gaze at the outdoors, indoors, together.

Tip Our Hats: Space Cadets

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The People Have Spoken

Or, at least they clicked on the little box in a makeshift poll on the top of the page. And, it is with great pride that I bring you Jeff the Soda Jerk, Philly's Hottest Nerd. I'll hold for applause.



His ice cream scooping ability scooped up your hearts. Congrats, Jeff. If we had any budget here at Shmitten Kitten headquarters, we'd give you the coveted Golden Glasses trophy. Until we hold a bake sale and make that happen, you'll have to settle for a tricked out Blingee that will serve as a testament to your hot nerdiness.

Thanks to all of the guys who participated; you are all winners in our hearts. And thank you, dear readers, for making this one of the most fun weeks we've had in a while. Long live hot nerds!

The People Have Spoken

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Break Out Your Pocket Protector, We're Having Nerd Appreciation Week

We want to shine the spotlight on nerds because they really are one of our favorite kinds of boys to date. Not to get all Jeff Foxworthy about it, but you know you're a nerd if you:

• Have won a science fair (or at least placed in the top three)
• Can type at least five words upside down on a calculator
• Listen to NPR on the reg
• Ever owned and operated a HAM radio
• Requested a chemistry set as a gift when you were a kid
• Can name six different kinds of dinosaurs with relative ease
• Don't laugh at Stephen Hawking jokes (he is a genius! lay off him!)
• Know around 75% of the lyrics to Weezer's Blue Album
  
• Have a prized collection of something, be it VHS '80s horror movies, snow globes, or 7" punk records
  
• Get excited when Q shows up on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
• Wear gray New Balance sneakers
  
• Never spend more than $15 on a haircut and don't use any hair products
  
• Subscribe to Wired magazine
• Think being an archeologist would be a cool job
  
• Have an opinion about Kevin Rose
  
• Have had the same best friends, for like, 20 years
  

Nerds are sweet, attentive, and make the best boyfriends. We love 'em! On Monday, we will unveil our candidates for Philly's Hottest Nerd and you guys will vote all next week on the winner. For the next few days, we are going to talk about what kinds of nerds we love, why we love them, and why you should too. Have a favorite kind of nerd? Drop a line to hi@shmittenkittten.com and tell us what kind of nerd blows your hair back.

Break Out Your Pocket Protector, We're Having Nerd Appreciation Week

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