This Week: Wedding Wincing

Spring is here and you know what that means: weirdos coming out of the woodwork to converge at Rittenhouse Square Park, long lines for Rita's Water Ice, and weddings galore. Here at Shmitten Kitten HQ, this is an uncomfortable season. We're still trying to land first dates while our fellow gal pals have somehow landed soulmates and they are forcing us to participate in all of their over-the-top, mushy festivities. For the single girl, weddings represent everything we loathe--except free food and alcohol. Honestly, we kinda love that part.

To help get you through wedding season, we've compiled a few tips as well as some of our own horror stories of worst dates, slurred toasts, sloppy dancing, one night stands, wardrobe malfunctions, crazy crying brides, and "always a bridesmaid never a bride" moments.

This past wedding weekend for me and my friends included three fist fights, one arrest, two break-ups, three hook-ups, one girl cursing off the bride and an alcoholic aunt puking in the bathroom before dinner was even served; it was a blast! During the middle of one ceremony, my best guy friend texted me: "Wow, this is an incredible trainwreck" as the bride's brother started yelling/falling off the altar drunk when the couple were making their vows. That doesn't even include the bachelorette weekend antics! You get the gist.

Do you have any wedding horror stories? Get at us at hi@shmittenkitten.com. We'll say "I do" to publishing the funniest ones.

This Week: Wedding Wincing

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Wedding Wincing: "Dowutchyalike"

One of my favorite weddings ever was my buddy Martin's wedding two years ago. I went to college with Martin so his wedding was a chance to reconnect with my old classmates. One person I was NOT excited to see was Billy, a cocky, smug, Texan-bred blond. We had a falling out in college because he didn't return a record player I'd lent him. The whole ordeal culminated with me calling him an asshole; things were chilly between us ever since.

Last I heard, he ran for mayor of a small town in Texas and lost. Even that story annoyed me because he was the type of guy to run for political office just so he'd have a quirky story to tell a beautiful woman at a cocktail party. His Southern accent made my skin crawl.

Imagine my surprise when he greeted me with a warm hug the night before Martin's wedding. My former arch-enemy had extended an olive branch! He told me how he'd been stationed in Peru as a reporter for the Associated Press. He regaled me with stories about Peruvian life, bribing local officials and how he met Hugo Chavez for a story he worked on. Every time we finished a round of drinks, he'd inch his chair closer to mine.

His Southern drawl, which used to grate, now put me at ease. My eyes twinkled every time he called me "darlin'." After a particularly funny story, he smacked his glass down on the table and announced what a shame it was that we didn't get a chance to reconcile sooner. I didn't resist when he took my hand as we walked out into the Brooklyn night air. There was a spark.

We stayed up all night, talking, giggling and kissing. When the morning light streamed in, we rubbed our eyes and got ready for Martin's wedding along with the rest of the house. As I took my seat, I saw Billy. He was in a tux stationed at the front of the room. My God, I had just (inadvertently) hooked up with the best man! Did I win a prize? It felt like I'd hit the 500 point hole in skeeball. It felt like I'd found the afikomen of wedding hookups (that was a joke for the Jews out there.) Go me!

So, what did I do with this new found glory? Well, I hooked up with another guy obviously. As an added bonus, he was staying in the same house where Billy and I were staying. In my defense, it was my longtime crush, Joey. This adorable Michael J. Fox look-a-like had turned my head for, like, a decade. I even liked him when he went through his weirdo beardo phase two years after college. He had never expressed interest in me so I'd given up on us ever locking lips. When I saw a glimmer of hope, I had to pounce on it.

Well, Joey made a move and I didn't hesitate. As we left the reception, I looked back over my shoulder to see Billy shaking his head in disbelief. I squeezed Joey's hand tighter. Sorry, former arch-enemy! I had the chance to make out with someone on my Kiss Wishlist who didn't live in Peru.

We all went back to the house and I felt bad when I heard Billy's voice through the walls. At 7am, I scrawled a quick note on a napkin thanking my hosts and caught the first bus back to Philly. The thought of seeing both Joey and Billy over breakfast bagels was a little too awkward for me to bear.

The moral of the story: there is no moral. It's a wedding! As Digital Underground wisely sang, "Dowutchyalike!"

Wedding Wincing: "Dowutchyalike"

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Wedding Wincing: The Official Shmitten Kitten Wedding Survival Guide

Congrats, you've been invited to a wedding! Oh, you aren't pumped that both acquaintances and strangers alike will judge you and your life decisions as you show up alone to this day celebrating other people's true love? Buck up, soldier. Follow our guidelines and come cake-time, you'll feel like you've won the fun lottery. Let's start with what you should do:

• DO pounce on an old flame--or any moderately hot guy, for that matter. You're at a wedding wearing a nice dress and heels; you basically get a free pass to act like a prisoner on parole. No judgment here. Besides, you are probably aren't ever gonna see this guy again. And, it's pretty novel to make out with a moderately hot dude in a tux. It's like being in a James Bond movie or hooking up with a waiter at a nice restaurant.
  
  
• DO dance to corny songs that the deejay spins. Prepare to boogie to Kool and the Gang, "Mambo #5" and the "Macarena." Go with the flow on this.
  
  
• DO go alone to a wedding. It's not gonna be weird. If anything, you'll meet more people because you'll be untethered. You'll get, like, five new random Facebook friends by the time the whole affair is over, guaranteed.
  
  
• DO kick some game to the bartender. Go back to the buffet table for seconds. Run with the wolves here.

Ok, so you're out dancing to Kool and the Gang by yourself, winking at the waitstaff and giving your card to the girl who said that she liked your dress. Sweet. But, don't get too cocky because there are some obstacles you need to avoid.

• DON'T flash your boobs to the camera. Yes, it'll seem funny three martinis in, but once they get the proofs developed, you'll just make the bride and groom cringe for even inviting you. We speak from experience on this one, guys.
  
  
• DON'T dirty dance with a member of either the bride or groom's family; you'll never live it down. I'm still being razzed about grinding on my best friend's cousin at her sister's wedding in 2003. Like the 9/11 eagle with a tear running down its eye, her family will never let me forget it.
  
  
• DON'T hit on the groom before the wedding. Don't tell him that he would be a better match with you and that his bride always seemed kinda of bitchy. Really, I should write this one down on my hand.

See? Follow our rules and you'll be doing so much schmoozin' and boozin' that you won't even remember how you can barely nail down a second date while your peers are lockin' in their soulmates. Oh, that sounds depressing. Well, at least you don't have to write a pile of thank you cards like they do. That's something, right?

Wedding Wincing: The Official Shmitten Kitten Wedding Survival Guide

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Wedding Wincing: Flyin' Solo

For the first time in six years, I went dateless to a wedding and was a little nervous at being so obviously single. One of the groomsmen at the wedding was an older, popular guy I had a mega crush on in high school. We had made out once before but I hadn't seen him in years. I caught his eye as he was walking down the aisle and his face lit up. He was obviously stoked to see me, as he didn't know I was going to be there. This will be a great night! Or, so I thought.

After about two dozen moments of bashful eye contact during the ceremony, he finally swaggered over to chat me up. Or should I say, he stumbled over: My dream dude of the evening was WASTED. This normally would have been okay with me, 'cause that's the whole point of weddings, right? But this was about 30 seconds after the ceremony ended, before the reception even started. I'd say he had about five solid hours of drinking under his belt by the time the "I do's" were said.

He slumped his sweaty arm around my shoulder, nearly knocking me over (he'd also gained a solid 60 lbs since I last saw him.) After slurring his speech in a 5-minute attempt at whiskey-breathed conversation, he loudly announced to the couple next to me that he had hooked up with me before and that he would do so again tonight, then burst out laughing and attempted to kiss me, but instead just licked my cheek. So much for a fun flirtatious evening with this dude!

I quickly excused myself to the safety of my other single girlfriends. I couldn't help but muse to myself how funny it was that I ever found this dude attractive. I watched him slosh around the dance floor, spilling wine as he electric-slided from girl to girl, all equally repulsed by him as he vigorously pumped his fist to Journey. I decided then that I would rather go dateless to any wedding then ever chance bringing a date as "classy" as he was. Cheers to flying solo!

Wedding Wincing: Flyin' Solo

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