January 25, 2009

Anna's Quick And Easy Guide To Dealing With A Break Up

1. Send out the Bat Signal to your crew. Let them know that you are bummin'. I recommend sending a group text updating them all about your break up so you'll get a ton of attention back at once. It'll take about eight times of retelling the story before you start to burn yourself out, so choose who you tell the story in detail to wisely.

2. Do a clean sweep. Take everything that reminds you of your ex-honey and stuff it into a bag. Then, hide it somewhere you won't find it, like in your attic, under your sink, or bury it in your backyard. If you must, keep one picture of him to affix to a dartboard. Hey, you're healing! It's allowed.

3. Rally your best friends to your side. They'll secretly be happy because your brand new break up means that you are going to be able to hang out on the weekends again. That leads into point 4:

4. Good news: you'll be fun again! No more floppin' around his apartment rifling through his Netflix batting around ideas of where you guys wanna go for dinner. Nope! Now, you'll be up for ragin' and going out on the town with your homies (which, be honest, you kinda missed).

5. Think of all the new people you'll meet post-break up. For the most part, they will be there with you when the lights come on at 2:03am but whatevs. You are meeting new people. It's a good thing. And, spoiler alert, at least one guy will look pretty good to you at the end of the night. Besides, if you squint, he kinda looks like your ex. Trust us.

6. DO NOT CHECK YOUR EX'S BLOG/FACEBOOK/WHATEVER. This one cannot be emphasized enough. It'll just make you feel weird. Resist the urge!

7. This might seem a bit hypocritical since we are a site that is talking about our break ups, but do NOT talk about your recent break up on any of your sites (unless it's a really funny story in which case you should submit it to us). The goal is to look aloof, like it ain't no thang but a chicken wing on a string. Step away from the computer if you have to. Right now, it's all about appearances and you need to appear to be not crazy and not bitter. Write that on your hand, if you have to. You're gonna meet a new guy soon enough and believe me, he'll do a quick Google search about you. And, when he sees your diatribes going off on your ex, he will back away slowly.

8. Don't sign up for an online dating sight right away. It will depress you even more and it will make your ex look practically like a saint. As you browse through the profiles, you'll think that at least your ex wasn't a severely overweight Kid Rock fan who has a soul patch, a boring job, and lives about 45 minutes away (which is what every online suitor seems to be like.)

9. Take some time to yourself and treat yourself nicely aka the Splurge-a-lurge phase. Visit your out of town buddies. Get a mint brownie from the Flying Monkey Bakery at Reading Terminal Market. Spring for the top-shelf whiskey. You're on the mend! One of the best parts about being single is that you can now spend all the money you used to spend on him on yourself. It's pretty sweet. Go ahead, buy that shower gel from Lush. You're dating yourself now. Be kind.

10. As Tupac so wisely sang, "Keep Ya Head Up." It's just a break up. Allow yourself time to heal, sure, but if you wallow in self-pity for too long you'll start to annoy your loved ones. We suggest channeling your energy into a project to both distract you from your heartache and build up your self-esteem. And, before long, you'll be cooler and over him. It's a win/win!

11. Or, if you feel like kickin' up some drama, submit his photo and a quick story about why he was terrible to I Bang the Worst Dudes (Sorry, Mom). Or don't. But, maybe just thinking about it could put a smile on your face.


Brian said...

This could be the best guide ever. Good job. Now to save as a favorite and revisit as required.

Anna said...

Awww! Thanks, Brian! I'm so glad that you liked it. That put a pep in my step.

Anonymous said...

This is a really good list. I did submit a blurb about him to sorry, mom. Now I'm grappling with the idea of sending the link about him to his new girlfriend...

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