Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "I'm So Lucky That I Met You"

Fuck my luck (FML)

We'll be in staring into each other's eyes, totally psyched about our newfound love when I'll confide, "I'm so lucky that I met you." I'll lean in for a kiss and he'll get a panicked look in his eyes. Apparently, he did not want to be "me lucky charm" as leprechauns say.

I'm not sure why my declaration of good fortune bummed him out, but it has. No guy has ever said, "Awwww, babe! I'm so lucky that I met you too" back to me. Not ever. Not once.

This phrase is like if a black cat walked under a ladder then broke a mirror when it was on the 13th floor to me; I've cursed myself by telling him what a blessing he's been.

In fact, in a cruel twist. he'll usually end it pretty soon after I acknowledge how much I love that "it" is even happening. I was just trying to be cute and say something sweet! Dubbayouteeeff?

Now, I'm terrified about mentioning luck at all because it's brought me nothing but bad luck to acknowledge my good luck. I feel like my life is a stanza in the Jabberwocky; it makes no fucking sense.

Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "I'm So Lucky That I Met You"

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Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "So, When Can I See You Next?"

Whoa there, Peter! Whatchu doin'?

This phrase is the equivalent of Greg Brady's cursed tiki statue in my life; it's my bad luck charm. Every time I've uttered, "So, when can I see you next?" to a guy I'm dating, he peaces out. It's alarming.

At first, I thought it was a coincidence, but as it's happened more and more, I'm beginning to think that it's a cursed phrase.

Instead of just not saying it--which is what a smarter person would probably do--I put my hair in a ponytail, slapped on a pair of goggles, lit up a Bunsen burner and started testing my theory to confirm that this phrase was a relationship doomer. But of course, as soon as the phrase left my lips, guys would get all squirrely and non-committal.

It seems like an innocent enough phrase, so I have NO IDEA why it has repelling powers. It's not like I'm asking him to shop for wedding dresses with me. I'm just trying to plan my week out. Sheesh!

Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "So, When Can I See You Next?"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Gotta Use The Little Boys' Room"

From our reader, Liz, who gets a full body shudder when dudes say this to her:

It's a building that turns into a robot!

What is it with guys who use the phrase “little boys’ room” when referring the bathroom? Really? Are you going to play with LEGOs in there? Will you be having watergun fights and/or a Matchbox car race? Do you still wear Underoos, too?

Imagine if instead of politely excusing ourselves from the table saying that we “need to go freshen up,” we dropped them a little gem like, “Be back in a few. I've got to go take a poo poo. Don’t hold the appetizers; I’m gonna be gone a vewwy long time! Tee-hee.”

So, fellas, unless you have, ahem, little boy parts to go along with your little boy talk, please save the kiddie-speak for your Nana, who still thinks of you as her precious five-year-old. 

I can see why this would get on your nerves, but honestly, I think it's kinda cute when he says "little boys' room," But, I also think that spending my tax return money on comic books and candy is a reasonable thing to do so WHAT DO I KNOW?  

What do y'all think? Does this phrase make you cringe or not? Tell us in the comments.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Gotta Use The Little Boys' Room"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Wanna Take You On A Real Date"

Much like how guys who say that they want to marry me on our first date rarely want to do it by our third date, guys who tell me that they want to take me on a real date, fail to follow through in any way, shape, or form. They might as well tell me that they want to take me to Narnia because they are both FANTASTICAL PLACES THAT I'LL NEVER GO TO.

So, what constitutes a real date to him? Pull up a chair. He'll say, "First, I'll pick you up at your house." *eyeroll*

"Then, I'll take you out for dinner. Maybe we'll split a milkshake with two straws like a Norman Rockwell painting," he laughs. "You'll love it." *yawn*

"Then, we'll go to a movie."  *double yawn*

"Then, we'll go out somewhere for a nice dessert." *zzzzzz*

This date will NEVER happen. It's like the unicorn of date promises; it doesn't exist. This magical date evaporates as soon as he articulates it.

Oh, he'll protest when I playfully say that it will never happen. He'll emphatically promise you that it will. He'll even take out the calendar on his cell phone and tell you exactly on which day this magical date will happen. Don't buy it! It won't. 

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Wanna Take You On A Real Date"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Wanna Waste Your Time"

I can't stand when a guy says this to me. Here is what we do together: eat food, watch movies, go out for drinks, and kick it. Those are all things that I like doing. In particular, those are all things that I like doing with him. If that's wasting my time, then I don't even know what.

Here are a few things that should apologize to me for wasting my time:

• Facebook
• Last season's Big Love
• PerezHilton.com
• Any episode of Maury Povich that I've ever watched
• Any news item involving Sarah Palin
• Reading about hegans
• Reading about hipsters using food stamps
• Rush hour traffic
• This season of Lost

He's acting like he's doing me--and my time--a favor by peacing out. But, he should know that I don't have that many important things to do. Return emails? Make a phone call? I'll get to it later. I'm not Donald Trump here; I can hang out 1-3 nights a week and have it be ok.

I get it that he doesn't want to keep seeing me for whatever reason, but blaming it on wasting my time is just fucktarded.

As a side note, this is the video for the Strokes' song, "Under Control." A boy actually played this song while he was breaking up with me and told me to listen to the lyrics because they described what he was feeling. He'd point to the speakers and nod every time the singer sang, "I don't wanna waste your time." TRUE STORY!

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Wanna Waste Your Time"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "So, Why Are You Still Single?"

I'm not a violent person, but when a guy asks me this, I want to cause him severe bodily harm. It's like how job interviewers ask you, "What's your worst quality?" This is a lousy question! I'm trying to put my best foot forward here. I'm wearing mascara. I turned my cell phone off. I shaved my legs. Enough with the interrogation, Sipowicz.

What could I possibly say in response to this?

"I'm single because I shanked the last guy who asked me this question."
"I'm single because I wanted to subject myself to lame questions that make me defensive before I've even finished my first drink."
"I'm single because I haven't met any guys who haven't asked me this fucktarded question that have lived to tell about it."
 
Guys, we love you, but PLEASE do not ask a girl this. It puts us on the spot. Ask about the time we went to Italy. Ask about what it was like when we went to Space Camp. Seriously, ask us ANYTHING except about why we're still single. Otherwise, we will stab you...with our eyes.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "So, Why Are You Still Single?"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like Labels"

You've introduced me as every combination of words in the English language except for that of "girl" and "friend." For instance:

"This is Lora."
"You just have to meet Lora."
"I'm so glad you finally get to meet Lora!"
And my personal favorite: "This is my very special lady friend, Lora."

What gives? We've been dating for months, hang out everyday, and I have even met your parents. I don't think it's a big deal to introduce me as your girlfriend. Your reply to that: "I just don't like labels."

Ok. Speaking of labels, I'd like to go ahead and label that phrase as one that I want to stab in the fucking face. It's not like I'm literally slapping a bumper sticker on your forehead. I'm not asking you to parade through the Piazza with a megaphone announcing that I'm your girlfriend. I just want to know where I stand for my own personal knowledge and contentment. Is that so terrible?

Labels are useful. For instance, labels help me maintain a gluten-free diet while shopping at Trader Joe's. And in this case, a label would let me know if it was cool or not to give my digits to that random hot bartender I met last weekend.

Your argument is that if you treat me like your girlfriend, then what does it matter if you call me your girlfriend? Actions speak louder than words, you say. I agree: The action of refusing to call me your girlfriend says, "I don't want to label you my girlfriend so that I can be free to makeout with other girls without feeling guilty."

How's this for a label: Fuck Off. I want to stab your anti-label sentiment phrases in the face.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like Labels"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Like Crazy Girls"

"So, what kind of girls do you normally date?" I asked as I swirled my drink around with a red straw.

He smiled and leaned in, like he was about to tell me a secret. "I gotta be honest with you: I like crazy girls." He stopped to gauge my reaction. I don't have one. I blinked. Is this guy for real? He kept going.

"You know, the ones that are a bit unstable, like they might threaten to stab you with a pair of rusty scissors when you don't answer their texts or some shit." That description was a little too specific which makes me think that he actually dated a girl who did that. And, he was into it!

"What can I say? It keeps things interesting, ya know?" He grinned and shrugged his shoulders like the whole thing was out of his control.

Newsflash: I am not the kind of girl to do that. At all. Ever. Frankly, I'm more of a Girl Continued than a Girl Interrupted. I guess that's a bad thing in his eyes? Should I try and pretend that I'm crazy? Should I scrawl conspiracy theories in blood on his bathroom wall? Should I cover my windows in tin foil? Should I re-enact scenes from the song "Stan" by Eminem? Hmmmm. This all sounds like a lot of work.

Only me, only in this bar, only in this UNIVERSE do I get to date men who view my relative emotional stability as a negative. Where do these guys come from? Can we vote them out of town and toss them back from whence they came?

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Like Crazy Girls"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I'm Around!"

"We should totally hang out sometime."
"Cool. I'd like that," I smiled.
"Well, I'm around. You know. Like, around." Nervous laughter. "So, yeah. We'll talk soon!"

Um, do you wanna hang out? No, wait. You don't. I think. Or maybe you do? Maybe you don't. I'm perplexed!

When a guy tells me that he's "around," I assume it means that he doesn't want to hang out. It seems like a squirelly, non-committed reply, right? He came over to hug me. We chatted for at least half of a beer. He brought up the part about us hanging out so why would he end on that nebulous note?

Where is this mythical place of "around"? Is it on the Internet, tucked away on a chat list? Is it in line at CVS when I'm buying deeply discounted Valentine's day candy? Is it on the bar stool next to me when I'm out with another guy on a date? These seem to be the only times when I run into you and they aren't the same thing as scorin' some solo time. 

I can't believe I'm spending this much energy trying to decipher your signals. Fuck it.

*pounds the rest of the beer, slams pint glass on the bar, then wipes mouth with the back of my sleeve*

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I'm Around!"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: I Was Late Because I Was in the Studio

Really, any musician-speak makes me roll my eyes. Demos, laying tracks, jam sessions; I'm over it. But, the worst is the studio-related excuses a guy will rattle off to explain away his bad behavior. He didn't get my text because he was in the studio. He ran late to meet me for dinner because he was in the studio. He somehow forgot how technology and time works because he was--all together now--in the studio. Got it.

I know I hear the words, "I was late because I was in the studio," but he might as well be saying, "I was late because I got my Rollerblade stuck in a Segway" because both of them are the lamest excuses I've ever heard in my life. 

Listen, I've been in a recording studio before. It's basically a smelly den with lots of comfy couches where everyone mopes around preoccupied with their cell phones. You're supposed to be dead silent when recording is in progress which gets old fast. And, there's a big board with buttons that you aren't allowed to touch. Whoop-de-freakin-do. No one even talks to each other until the pizza comes and then they go back to their spots on the couch, fiddling with their phones. Fuck the studio! Fuck anything with the word studio in it, even Studio by L'Oreal. Fuck it allllll.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: I Was Late Because I Was in the Studio

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Good Times"

I can't think of a more inane, grating filler expression than when a guy mumbles, "good times" for no apparent reason. It's awkward and meaningless, much like our conversation. *rimshot noise* And, they usually just don't say the phrase once; they repeat it a minimum of two times for extra effect. Guys who say it usually are known to buy gag gifts, wear shorts well into November, and heckle people from the away team at baseball games; they're horrible!

What can I say? I have an irrational hatred for this phrase. Are you wearing a what would Dave Coulier do (WWDCD?) bracelet because I'm pretty sure he would say "good times" during a lull in his stand-up routine between his Popeye and Bullwinkle impressions. I don't want to date Dave Coulier and I don't want to hear you say this phrase to me. Ever.

The only exception to this rule is when Jerri Blank from "Strangers with Candy" says it because everything she utters is hysterical. But, I feel like she is really making fun of people who say "good times," so it's almost avant garde. For the rest of humanity who choose to say it, I only have two words: BAD TIMES.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Good Times"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "So, I Googled You"

I think it would be best for all parties involved if you refrained from Googling my name before our first date. I know it's tempting because you're bored at work and it's natural to have some amount of curiosity about the person you've committed to hanging out with for an evening. But, I don't think you should. In fact, I would prefer if you didn't.

Because really, this is a lose/lose situation for you. What if you find out something super-embarrassing about me, like that I'm a huge Mallpunk fan or that I still have a Friendster account? (Confession: I haven't checked it in over three years and I totally forgot to delete it but still, I have one.) Then, all the excitement about our first date has been replaced with concerns about my mental health because I still have an active Friendster account. (I swear, I'm going to delete it as soon as I'm done with this post!)

Or, if you find out something amazingly rad about me, like that I attended Space Camp in eighth grade, you can't really bring it up without admitting that you found out by doing some light investigative work. You've painted yourself into a corner, my friend.

If you MUST Google me, then please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, don't announce it as soon as there is a lull in our conversation. It's like admitting that you rifled through my trash. I'll play it off like it's not a big deal, but secretly I'll think, "Why did he just tell me that?" It's not a full-on stalker thing to do, but if it were on the color-coded terror alert system, it'd be a blue. It's not a major offense, but admitting it to me still registers as a color. Unless, it was your goal to make me uncomfortable on our first date. Then, by all means, divulge away.

Listen up, all you amateur gumshoes out there, just show up to our date looking good, smelling good, and with a healthy dose of obliviousness as to who I am and what I do. Is that too much to ask?

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "So, I Googled You"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Wow! You Really Know A Lot Of Guys Here"

This is a strange thing to say to me, especially on a first date. What, exactly did he mean by that? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up. I took him to a house party after a nice dinner. I introduced him to my friends as we wound our way to the kitchen. Then, after our first swig of beer, he exclaimed, "Wow! You really know a lot of guys here." I made a weird face then ignored his comment.

What I SHOULD have done is taken out a laser pointer and highlighted each guy around the room with this running commentary:

See this guy with the hat? He's my best friend's ex. He flopped around my apartment for roughly three years. This guy with the blazer? He's tall and blond and I would never date him. This guy with the motorcycle jacket? My other friend has had a crush on him for six years and I used to go to his dj night back in the day. That guy in the plaid shirt over there went out with my friend a few times and then he blew her off. For some reason, we always say hi to each other but I think he's just over-compensating because he feels bad about being mean to my friend.

Now, see that guy over there by the stereo? We did hook up but I didn't introduce you to him. He gave me a smile and a nod when we walked in. And, see that guy over by the fridge? That's a guy who I did date but we had a falling out and now he's ignoring me. I think he's here with another girl and he feels awkward about it.

The lesson? You should be more concerned with the guys I don't introduce you to. For the most part, those are the ones I have something going on with. If I do introduce you to a guy friend, I'm basically telling you that he's not a threat. Sheesh! Oh, and by the way, fuck you.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Wow! You Really Know A Lot Of Guys Here"

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Phrases We'd Like to Stab in the Face: "Hey Beautiful, Why Don't You Smile?"

Any catcall, whether it be a, “Hey, Sexy” or a more creative, “Oooh, Mommy” will irritate me. I mean really, where do you think shouting at me from the other side of the street will get you? It’s not going to get you in my bed. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but the truth is that it’s not going to get you anywhere near me. So when I hear your holler at me followed by the suggestion that I should smile, it makes me so angry that I could shriek...and then stab this phrase in the face repeatedly.

Who are you, random guy on the street yelling at me to flash a smile? Last time I checked, you certainly weren't my boss and oh, that’s right We've. Never. Met. I’m sorry that I don’t fulfill your requirements for girls that you yell at on the street, but I didn’t know they have to be pretty and they should definitely have some goofy grin plastered onto their faces, too. This request is outrageous! How do you know I even have anything to smile about today? Maybe my dog just died. Maybe my goldfish ran away. Maybe I’m just plain old cranky.

Get it? Sorry your toothy grin and nasty remarks don’t make me giggle and coo and that my smilelessness might have been your own personal bonerkiller, but you’re just going to have to accept that, Creep on the Street, and stop yelling stupid things at innocent girls like me.

Phrases We'd Like to Stab in the Face: "Hey Beautiful, Why Don't You Smile?"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I've Learned So Much From You"

Here is a phrase our reader Keisha would like to stab in the face:

After dating a great guy for four months, I heard the first phrase I'd love to stab in the face. It started off well, things went swimmingly all summer. I showed him all of my favorite places in the city since he's from out of state. I wowed him with my impressive knowledge of cheap Thai restaurants and encyclopedic memory of random facts about my hometown. He tried foods he'd never seen before at restaurants he'd never heard of. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me and enjoyed our outings. I thought we might have been on our way to a relationship. Oh, how I was mistaken.

The semester started and while we both were working full-time, we made it a priority to see each other. We even spent our birthdays, which just happen to be on consecutive days, together. I figured if we were exchanging gifts and googly eyes for this long, I might have made some progress. Then he started pulling a Scottie Pippen-grade fade away on me. I went from hearing from him through text and phone calls at least once daily to once every few days. We started seeing each other less and I started to feel like had I lost him and should probably just give it up.

Instead, I ignored all my instincts and made one last ditch effort to see him. Needless to say, he shot me down. Two days later he follows up with a phone call telling me how his schedule with work and class has been difficult and he just couldn't give me the time I deserved. I maturely told him that I had taken the hint. Then came the phrase that I have grown to hate and imagine murdering to the tune of Michael Myers-esque theme music: "I've learned so much from you."

Really?? You learned so much from me? Well I didn't realize that all of my hard work to get you to enjoy my city (and fall head over heels for me) resulted in being reduced to your Discovery Channel tour guide. He wasted my time and I wasted my effort. And let me tell you this, I'd better not catch him at any one of my favorite spots with another girl. I learned something from him, too: guys suck.

"I've learned so much from you," I want to stab you in the face.

Holy shit! That Scottie Pippen reference was insane! Did I tell you that I met him at the mall in eighth grade? I got his autograph on the back of a Sbarro's paper plate. Growing up in Chicago, I was a huge Bulls fan. Ahhh, the Bulls. Such a great team, such tall guys.

Where was I? Oh yeah, this dude in your letter. What a creep! The worst for me is when I introduce a guy to something radical like a British sitcom or my favorite Mexican joint and then he enjoys all the cool things I exposed him too with his new girlfriend. I blow a gasket as I read her stupid blog posts about how much she loves The Mighty Boosh now and how she's so pumped that she has such a cool boyfriend with such awesome taste. My inner Biff is all, "Hey, McFly! Anybody home, McFly? I'm the one that got him into that show, so you should be thanking ME for having such awesome taste!" Awww, fuck it.

Any phrases you guys wanna stab in the face? Let us know at hi@shmittenkitten.com and take your best shot.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I've Learned So Much From You"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Cool Beans"

We hate this phrase with the intensity of a thousand stink eyes and we hate guys who say it to us. We always will. You know who says "cool beans?" Drama club kids, guys who wear socks with sandals, guys who have a turtle as a pet, missionaries, Dave Matthew Band fans and hacky sack owners. Do you know what they have in common? They are all people that we actively avoid.

Last time I checked, he wasn't some chatty girl in my freshman algebra class talking my ear off about how hot Eddie Vedder was. I was confused for a second because "cool beans" is a phrase that only girls in 1994 should say, not fully-grown men.

I mean, just look at those beans over there high-fiving. We hate them! They probably cropdust at the Barbary when they go out dancing and twitter about your date while you are on the date with them. They never bring any beers to a house party; they just jam on all the fancy ones that you brought without leaving any for you to enjoy. Fuck those smelly beans and fuck this stupid expression.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Cool Beans"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You Deserve Better"

Without a doubt, hearing this phrase makes me want to invent a time machine, go back in time to five minutes before I met the guy who is saying it to me, and beat myself up ala Tanya Harding--anything to stop myself from meeting him. As soon as I hear the word, "you," followed by the syllable, "des-" I'm out the door, deleting his number from my cell phone as I walk away quickly. I don't want to be associated with this guy for one more second. Of all the phrases we've talked about wanting to stab in the face, this one is by far the worst for me to hear. Of course I deserve the best! What am I gonna say in response? "No, I don't deserve better." There's nothing left to say once it hits my ears. 

I think back to when we first met. He tried so hard to impress me, showing me off to his friends, telling his family about me. We held hands. We gazed into each others eyes. He fought for me. However, once he tells me that I "deserve better" in his breakup speech, it pretty much means that he's given up. He's thrown in the towel. He's waving the white flag. Fuck that white flag and fuck him.

Attention all future boyfriends who plan on breaking up with me: if you tell me that I deserve better, I will make like L7 and pretend that you're dead.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You Deserve Better"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You"

Me: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Him, laughing: "Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Me, groaning: "No, really. What do you do?"
Him, fake exasperated: "I just said! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Then, he took a swig from his beer and shrugged his shoulders, like he's saying, "Hey, it's outta my hands, lady."
I waited a full ten seconds to be dramatic. "Seriously. What is your job? What do you do all day? How do you pay your rent? Are you a can collector? Do you sell your blood? Do you sell vacuums door-to-door? What's with the secrecy? Just tell me!"
Him, not laughing, determined to stick to his line: "I already told you! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"

My face looks like he just told me that he's only had "a handful" DUIs or that he is really into the Furry scene. Fuck this fuckin' guy and goddamn I'd like to stab this stupid phrase in the face.

Well, I asked around. It turns out that he works for the state government assessing whether businesses adhere to their discrimination policies. That's it? No mafia connections? No spy work? Just a regular joe with a desk job? All this hubbub for that? Oy vey.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You"

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "My Last Girlfriend Really Fucked Me Up"

We have to apologize to all you readers out there; we're really cranky this week! Apparently, we have lots of vitriol to spew at dudes. We promise that we'll make it up to you soon and post some hilarious Tip Our Hats to remember what the hell it is we like about guys in the first place, but for now, we're gonna gulp the haterade a bit longer. (We have to admit, it's kinda fun.) This is from our reader Lilja. She wants to stab this phrase in the face:

Okay, I get it: Your last girlfriend was a crazy bitch. That would explain why you’re not dating her anymore. But now that you’ve been dating me for several months, I’m getting sick of you reminding me how insane she is and blaming all your problems on her. At first you don’t even want to go out with me because you’re afraid She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will find out, hunt you down, and rip you to pieces like a piece of raw meat in a cage of tigers. But we worked things out eventually. Then, you can’t find the balls to make our relationship status public on Facebook, because god forbid a friend of a friend finds out and the word gets back to the ex.

But no matter much you try to keep things under wraps, inevitably she found out. She went berserk and tried to win you back by telling you that you’re ruining her life by not getting back together with her. But that's not the problem. The problem is that you continue to talk to her, listen to her, buy into all her bullshit and then mope around all day like a certain sad-sack stuffed donkey. In fact, I don’t think I can even date you anymore, because after hearing “I’m sorry, my ex-girlfriend really fucked me up,” for the zillionth time, I’ve finally realized that what you’re actually telling me is that you’re a pushover who lets crazy bitches jerk you around, can’t take responsibility for your own issues, and can’t commit yourself completely to a relationship with me. So, if I can’t help you get over your ex, I’m just going to have to settle for getting over you.

Wow. That is what happens when you stop being polite and start getting real! Any phrases you'd like to stab in the face? Email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com and pretend like your letter is a 2D voodoo doll that you can poke over and over again.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "My Last Girlfriend Really Fucked Me Up"

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Reader Submission For A Phrase We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You Know I'm Just Not That Perceptive"

From our lovely reader Julie:

I want to stab the phrase, "you know I'm just not that perceptive," in the face.  It's his relationship disclaimer setting the bar so low on the outset that he's releasing himself from any and all expectations ever. That's some lawyer-type shit right there. He forgot your birthday? He blew off dinner with your parents? He didn't remember that he was supposed to pick you up from work? His defense is that you knew that he was just not that perceptive when you began dating him. So, it's actually your fault for having higher expectations. He pleads how he was born that way, just like how he has blue eyes and was genetically pre-dispositioned to begin balding at 28. According to him, his "perceptiveness"--or his lack thereof--is an immutable FACT, not a skill or attribute that can be learned or improved upon.

After I simmer with rage about wanting to stab that phrase in the face, I understand its true meaning; he's just LAZY and is ultimately not that interested in being considerate of me. 

Whoa. That's pretty intense. What phrases would you like to stab in the face? Drop us a line to hi@shmittenkitten.com and sharpen your threoretical knives. Huh. Theoretical knives. That'd be a great band name, wouldn't it?

Reader Submission For A Phrase We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You Know I'm Just Not That Perceptive"

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