Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I'm Not Looking For A Relationship Right Now"

Sometimes I think that there must be an underground secret society where guys rack up points by saying this phrase to me. Maybe it's like skee-ball where they earn tickets for saying it and they can redeem the tickets for, I don't know, a baseball hat or a stuffed animal or some shit. In other words, guys say this to me. A LOT.

Personally, I've never looked for a relationship. Usually it's something I'm compelled to do against my better judgement like spending a sunny afternoon indoors watching a mini-marathon of MTV's True Life or ordering a shitton of tank tops online from Old Navy because they're on sale. No, I fall into relationships. It's like how Indiana Jones fell into that pit of snakes; similarly, there's a lot of trapdoors and dim lighting involved.

I know he's probably just trying to spare my feelings when what he really wants to say is that he doesn't wanna hear my opinions on "Mob Wives" anymore (they're not in the mob and most of them aren't married; it's a misnomer!). Maybe I'm too tall for him and he's sick of everyone staring at us when we walk in a room together but he doesn't know how to say that without sounding like an insecure dick.

Or maybe he really doesn't wanna be in a relationship with anyone, which I can respect even though it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard because I'd make a great girlfriend! I send funny text messages. I'll scratch his back anytime he wants me to. I own two seasons of "Mr. Show" on DVD. If that doesn't make for a perfect relationship, then I don't know what does.

No, I understand why he'd say this phrase to me. Relationships take a lot of work and sometimes a person's just not up for the challenge. It's not anyone's fault. I get that but it doesn't make it suck any less to hear him say it.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "It Just Happened"

From Jeanette, who is shaking her damn head at this stupid phrase:

“It just happened” is a god-awful phrase that should be stabbed right in its non-committal bullshit face. I dated this guy for a while who courted the hell out of me. He made me breakfast in bed, asked to make it official, told me he loved me before I had even considered saying it to him, and was all around sweet and seemingly waaaaaaaay into me. And so I waaaaaaaay fell for him. After spending just about every waking (and sleeping) minute together for several months, he summarily broke up with me without warning. He came over one night and explained how “he was too depressed to be in a relationship.” When I asked him why he would pursue me so fervently if that were the case, he used the responsibility-relinquishing-rage-inducingly-pathetic, “it just happened.”

Well, that should be the end of it, right? No. Oh, no. Not a month after we broke up, douchebag is suddenly, quite indiscreetly in a new, serious relationship (social media, no matter how many feeds I hide/unfollow can be a real cruel mistress, and he lives in my hood/we hang at many of the same places/ have friends in common so I can’t NOT see this unfold), so, I text him to point out his contradiction about being “too depressed to be in a relationship” and try to get an authentic answer to why we broke up. He tells me, “It wasn’t like I was looking for a relationship with this girl, it just happened.” 

Is this guy fucking serious? No, relationships and the way he pursues them DO NOT JUST HAPPEN. Conscious decisions were made! If he’s too depressed to be in a relationship, he cannot “oops” fall into one that soon. It reeks of lying, and let’s be honest, all signs point to cheating.  

All this phrase does is impotently pretend there is a lack of control where there is clearly control. It is the verbal equivalent of taking a shit on a sidewalk and then shrugging when someone asks what the hell is going on. “It just happened” is insulting, braindead lipservice. Fuck that noise. He can take that “it just happened” and shove it up his ass and then say, “Oops. It just happened.”

I don't have anything to add, but guys who start dating someone new should own that decision and not act like their relationships are the equivalent of a Costco sample of popcorn chicken that magically fell in their mouths. You reached for the popcorn chicken! You picked it out it! You had a whole tray of popcorn chicken to choose from and you chose the one that is currently in your mouth! In related news, I'm hungry.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"

Nothing makes me more frustrated than when a guy says, "I'm sorry you feel that way.” He's not genuinely apologetic because how I feel is not in congruence with his reality. And more importantly, when he says it multiple times, all I hear is, “I will tell you anything to end this conversation.”

If he thinks I'm bringing up something awkward or painful to talk about because I enjoy these amazing exchanges, he’s crazier than I thought. Believe me, I’d much rather hang out on a street corner with a gun in my mouth than actually have a grownup conversation about my feelings.

I even explained this to him as I rolled into what was bothering me. But instead of listening and saying, “I’m sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose. Let’s make up by banging.” I just got the awkward, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” as if to take no responsibility and quickly end the discussion.

Today I’m upset because he’s got work, even though we had confirmed plans, and he’ll be late. I think late means like an hour. I learned late means he’s probably not coming at all. Once I realized this, I got ticked off. I called him and told him that he sucks and I'm not an afterthought. He responded, “Sorry you feel that way. I got carried away with time.”

I ended the conversation rather than say anything else that will make him sorry I feel...at all. I didn’t want him to feel sorry. I wanted him to stop and be sorry about whatever he did, because I’m worth a real apology. And really, I want him to be sincere ‘cause there’s only so much I can take of this "Sorry about your feelings" bullshit before I pack up and pray at the altar of some other penis.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "How Are You Going To Get There?"

From Gina, who'd like a ride, please: 

I hate when he asks “So how are you gonna get there?” Huh? How am I gonna get there? Man, I thought you just asked me out, doesn’t that mean you’re picking me up?  

This has happened to me one too many times, so now when I’m talking to someone, one of the first questions I ask besides what’s your name, is do you have a car or some kind of transportation or at least a license? Are you old enough to rent a car, or get your hands on one for the night? I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask for. Or at least if you have none of those options we can walk to a place by me, but there is no way that I am picking you up or taking the bus to meet you half way.   

Sorry man, I’m gonna be old school about this, but you gotta get your butt in gear, 'cause if this is going anywhere, you better be driving me somewhere, somehow because I am not chauffeuring your ass around town.   

Hopefully it's from his ass picking me up in his damn car

The last time this happened, I was too naïve to ask if he had transportation before we set up the date and made the dumb assumption that he’d pick me up. Right before we hung up his last question was, “So how are you planning on getting there? I’m taking the bus.” I had so many excuses racing through my mind on how to get out of this date but my greedy mind was only thinking about a free meal and that he might be worth it.   

I blurted out that I would pick him up. Little did I know that I should have cut it off right then because it just got worse. I picked him up from the bus that came from Jersey only for us to return to NJ to see a 3D movie. Now not only am I picking this fool up in Philly, when he just came from Jersey but he wanted to go back over! Why didn’t you just stay there and make things easier? Why didn’t I just say I got the fever all the sudden and back out of this goddam date?   

Driving to Jersey was amusing. We talked about how much he loved punk rock and that his favorite store was Spencers, and I bitched about paying the toll back to Philly and that this entire date was a dumb idea. Mind you, this is only the beginning of the date, so you can imagine how much worse it got when we arrived in Jersey (but those are stories for another time). 

Lesson learned: never go on a date with some dude who is without a car/license, loves Spencers, offers to reimburse for your driving but doesn’t pay for dinner or the movie. I say this now but my track record begs to differ.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Anything Fun Going on Tonight?"

"Anything fun going on tonight?" is one of my least favorite texts to receive from a somewhat attractive semi-stranger I've met in person at least once because the exchange rarely goes anywhere. It's maddening!

I'll sit on the edge of my bed and spend roughly four minutes typing out my plans in a reply. Once I push "send," a wave of sadness washes over me because I know that 9 times out of 10, nothing will come from this lazy conversation. He's not proposing that we go on an adventure together; he's just wasting my time.

And frankly, I don't like appointing him King of Plans and I don't like being put on the spot. What does he think I'm doing? It's a Friday night and I'm in my 30s: shit gets pretty tame. I'm not going to a wizard convention to ride a unicorn and drink a rare elixir derived from Leprechaun eyebrows and princesses' fingernail clippings: I'm going to my friend's house to drink cheap white wine and watch episodes of "Shark Tank" on demand.

I don't get it; if he wanted to see me, he should've asked me to do something. Why even bother with this haphazard barf of a text? Plus, I'm doubly annoyed because I'm doing all the work here. He typed me five words and I had to write back a paragraph. Fuck that.

Here's a tip: text me something I can say yes to. Wait, let me capitalize this so any guys who happen to read this get the message. TEXT ME SOMETHING I CAN SAY YES TO. It's not that hard. See?

• "Want to go to the park on Saturday and secretly drink margaritas?"

• "Want to see Argo?"

• "Want to grab pho sometime this week?"

This is automatically more interesting to read! If he's that hellbent on using a question mark in a text to me, please, for the love of God, make it something I can say yes too. I can't believe it's 2012 and not only are Hoverboards not a thing yet, but guys still can't figure out what to text a girl they've met once and are sort of interested in spending time with.

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Reader Submitted Phrase We’d Like To Stab In The Face: “It Is What It Is”

From my reader, Lisa, who's super sick of this stupid-ass phrase:

fuck this phrase in the face

When I’m taking a short breather from bitching about whatever guy-treating-me-like-crap situation I’ve gotten myself into this month, a friend will sigh and mutter, “It is what it is.” 

Ugh. Look, I’m sure she's sick of hearing me complain about how my drug dealer ex bailed on our plans (again), but I don’t need her to reiterate that to me with this sad excuse for a thought. 

What I’m looking for is for my friend to tell me how to fix it! Give me some suggestions on how to make “it” different or change “is” to isn’t! Do I call him and yell like a wild banshee? Do I text every guy in my phone who has ever said I have a nice ass to boost my now-diminished self-esteem? Maybe I should try to sleep it off? Too bad it’s 5pm and I just ate an entire frozen pizza, which means I currently have more sugar-energy than a kitten in a room full of things that roll and jingle. 

Friends, let’s avoid saying this horrid phrase to each other. How about instead of wasting my time contributing nothing to the conversation, you shoot a little, “That sucks, what an ass,” or “How dare he?!” my way. It’d be much more appreciated.

The only people I've ever heard say the phrase, "It is what it is," are reality show contestants talking about how they fucked up during a competition. What I don't like about the phrase is how resigned it sounds. It's like you might as well just say, "Stop complaining 'cause there's nothing to be done about it anyway" and who wants to hear that from a buddy? Anyways, you're right: it sucks!

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You Deserve Better"

Me: "I can't believe he didn't wish me happy birthday last week."
Friend: "Honey, you deserve a guy who'll wish you happy birthday." 

Me: "Ugh! The last four texts he sent have a smiley face emoticon in them. No one needs this many virtual smiley faces in their life. No one. Christ, my inbox looks like a goddamn game of Pac-Man or some shit."
Friend: "Oy vey, you deserve better than some schlub who's gonna litter your inbox with smiley faces." 

Me: Whiny complaint about something minor.
Friend: Blah blah "you deserve better "blah. 

I call bullshit on this whole, "You deserve better" nonsense. It doesn't give me any comfort when someone says this phrase to me. I've never been like, "You're right! I DO deserve better. I'm gonna march over and tell him to hit the road. Problem solved! Now who wants to watch Bridesmaids for the millionth time because it's streaming on HBO Go. The airplane scene's the best, right? It so is."

Listen: I'm not the issue here. Some dude's crummy behavior is the issue. By relaying my silly anecdote, I'm asking for sympathy. Just be like, "He's an idiot," because that's the problem I want to highlight. Let's all keep the focus on his jackhole behavior, shall we? Frankly, that part's more fun to talk about anyway.

Because when someone says, "You deserve better," it changes the tone of the conversation. It makes me get introspective. I'll softly say, "I know. I guess you're right," as I stir a bendy plastic straw around my bloody mary and stare off into the distance with a tinge of sadness in my eyes. Nice job, well-meaning friend; you've killed my bloody mary buzz! Good going.

And another thing, this whole "deserve" a better dude thing is so abstract. Yes, some guy out there in this world might posses better qualities, habits and values than the walking/ talking ball sack I'm currently hung up on. I'm sure he's out there windsurfing and making his own granola and sketching hilarious pictures of Pauly D on Draw Something. But, I'm not talking about this hypothetical person who may or may not exist; I'm talking about the guy I do know who's acting like a fuckface. Tell me he's a ding-a-ling, allow me to agree with you enthusiastically and let's enjoy the rest of this fucking brunch, okay?

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Words We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "We"

This is what I'm like as soon as the word "we" winds its way through my ear canal

"Did you see The Muppet Movie yet? I saw it last week and loved it. It was hilarious."

"Yeah! Actually, we saw it on opening night. It was great."

We? We? WE? What's this "we" shit? I was talking to him in the singular and he responded in the plural. THAT'S how he's letting me know that he's with a new girl, by interjecting "we" into his stupid ass sentence out of nowhere? FUCK THAT SO HARD! Fuck it right in its smug, plural fucking face. 

He probably thinks he's being subtle by slipping "we" instead of "I" in like that, but it's not subtle at all. What, now he can't use singular pronouns because he's been on roughly four dates with some above average-looking mystery woman? Ugh. It makes me wanna kick him in the dick with a muddy boot.

Honestly, It would've been better if he had said, "I saw it last week with this girl who I just started seeing. It was great." By jumping ahead to "we" out of nowhere, it makes it sound like he's really saying, "Back off, lady! I'm a taken man so don't get any funny ideas or nuthin'." Alright, alright. Don't worry, bud. I'm only like 3% interested in you and I resent feeling like you had to flash some giant "Do not pass go!" sign at me as if I were writing our initials with a heart around 'em on Trapper Keepers or some shit. *clenches fists and scrunches up nose*

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like It When Girls Wear Makeup"

It's funny; I was going to write about this topic today but then I saw that the subject was just broached by the site Animals Talking In All Caps. So, here it is, re-posted from their site for your pleasure:

I'm an animal and I'm talking in caps

THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION REGARDING MY EYELINER, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN A COUPLE THINGS TO YOU:

1. I DON’T WEAR IT FOR YOU, NOR DO I PICK OUT MY OUTFITS BASED ON WHAT I THINK MEN WILL LIKE. YOUR CONSTANT OGLING HAS NO BEARING ON MY DECISION TO FLATTER MY FIGURE OR ENHANCE MY NATURAL FEATURES WITH BEAUTY PRODUCTS. THAT IS YOUR GENDER’S CONSTANT MISGUIDED PERCEPTION.

2. YOU DON’T LIKE “WOMEN WHO DON’T WEAR MAKEUP.” YOU LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE WEARING CONCEALER AND BARE ESSENTIALS FOUNDATION CAREFULLY BLENDED INTO THEIR NECKLINE, CHEEKS TINTED LIGHTLY WITH SOFT ROSY CREAM BLUSH, EYESHADOW ONE SHADE DARKER THAN THEIR FOUNDATION, EYELASHES DOTTED WITH GREY PENCIL AND LIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENHANCED WITH A LIGHT BERRY GLOSS. THAT’S PROBABLY $200 WORTH OF CREAMS AND POWDERS AND TAKES MORE TIME TO APPLY THAN YOUR ENTIRE ‘SHIT, SHOWER AND SHAVE’ ROUTINE, ALL SO ASSHOLES LIKE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ‘NATURAL BEAUTY’ WHILE WE’RE WAITING FOR A DAMNED BUS.

3. EVEN IF I HONESTLY CARED ABOUT YOUR AMATEUR MAKEUP CRITIQUES, I WOULDN’T IN A MILLION YEARS GO OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IGNORANT, BALDING FASHION CASUALTY WITH NOODLE ARMS AND A BEER GUT WHO CAN’T KEEP HIS EYES OR OPINIONS TO HIMSELF.

IF YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME I’M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR SANDALS UP YOUR ASS AND YOU CAN WADDLE HOME IN YOUR SOCKS.

My name is Anna Goldfarb and I approve of this message. You can't see me, but I'm doing a standing ovation. I'm also still laughing at the "noodle arms" part.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "What Kind Of Guys Do You Normally Date?"

This must be my type (in his head)

Things were going spectacular. This guy had impeccable manners. When we got to the restaurant, he jumped out of his car and scurried to the other side to open my door while offering his hand to help me get out AND he pulled out my chair for me before we sat down at our table.

"Oh, wow. Thanks!" I said, pleased at the star treatment.

"You don't have to thank me. That's silly." He waved my gratitude off with his hand.

"I'm just saying it was nice of you to do that. That's all. I appreciate it. You're a real gentleman!" I was trying to salvage the compliment here.

"Of course I'll do those things for you. What kind of guys do you normally date? Do they not do that for you?" he asked, accusingly.

Okay. This sucks. I went from thinking that this was a guy I could FINALLY tell my mom about to being suddenly put on the defensive. How am I supposed to respond to that question? What does he wanna hear? Yes, I only date rude dudes. I date sixth grade bullies, men who've escaped from mental wards, and Vikings. In fact, I don't even date humans. I usually date apes who squeal at the top of their lungs, shit on the floor and throw their feces at me. Those are my usual companions so this is a real treat to be out with a homo sapien tonight.

Then I sat for a minute and thought about the kinds of dudes I usually date. Spoiler alert: they're normal dudes with normal jobs and now I'm on a date with HIM thinking about a lot of other men. Is that what he wanted?

I mean, what the fuck kind of question is that to ask me what kinds of guys I normally date? It sounds like he's saying it's my fault that guys don't pull out my chair at upscale restaurants 100% of the time. If they treated me well, then we wouldn't be on this date at all, fella. So, he should be happy that these brutes weren't up to muster.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You're A Great Girl, But..."

Great, my ass!

Let me start by saying that the word "great" should be a good word. It's positive and upbeat. When I was younger, I'd be stoked to get a "Great!" sticker on my math homework. It truly did make me feel great to see it affixed to the top of the paper. If someone asked how I was, I'd say, "Great!" with a smile on my face. Everything was great. Popsicles were great. Bubble gum was great. Sweatshirts with kittens airbrushed on them were great. Great great great.

But hearing the word "great" out of a guy's mouth is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. He might as well say, "I can't stand you and I'm trying to let you down easy. Just let me get this sentence out so I can go back to watching the movie I've paused on Netflix. We're cool though, right?" No! We're not cool. Nothing is great. Everything is terrible.

I had NO IDEA how much hearing this word as an adult would suck. It's the absolute worst! In particular, hearing "You're a great girl, but" feels like a punch in the gut. It makes me wanna puke. I'd rather be called a profanity than "great." I'd rather him say, "You're a bitch, Anna." I'd probably agree with him!

Next time a guy tells me that I'm a "great girl," (which will be in like, three days I'm guessing) I'm going to smash my cell phone then go over to his house and smash HIS cell phone. No one can have a cell phone! Stop saying this phrase to me!

image via

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Are You Open-Minded?"

"I'm just gonna throw this out there because you seem like a cool girl. Ha! I see you blushing a little bit. That's cool, that's cool. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that. Let me ask you a question: Are you open-minded? I can tell you are just by looking at you. When I saw you sitting here by yourself, I said to myself, "That looks like one open-minded chick." See, I'm just gonna be straight up with you because that's how I am. I mean, that's what's what. If you ask around and say, 'What's his deal?' Everyone will tell you I'm a straight shooter. For real. I'm not playin'.

So here's the deal: I like sucking women's toes. That's just me. I'm puttin' that out there. If you let me take you out--which I want to do--I guarantee that you will have a good time. Let me take you out for a nice meal. We'll drink some wine, nibble on some cheesecake, the whole thing. I know you be lovin' that cheesecake. Don't even front.

Then later, if you want, we can go back to my place and I can suck on your toes. Simple as that. How does that sound? Good, right? So, can I call you? What's your number, baby?"

image via

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "What Apps Do You Have?"

I was recently out of town for a work trip and saddled up to the hotel bar, enjoying my allotment of expenseable per diem alcohol. Drinking alone at a hotel bar can sometimes be awkward, but you quickly learn what all bartenders already know: it's fun to listen in on other people and silently judge them.

I was watching this guy hopelessly flirt with a girl sitting at the bar, too. His pickup line? "Is that an iPhone? Do you like it? What apps do you have?"

It took every fiber of my being to not puke all over the place. Instead, I think just did a whole-body cringe.

First, it's time to stop acting like having an iPhone is anything special at this point. In the first few years of their existence, it was slightly unique. But now any mouthbreathing idiot can walk into a local Walmart and buy one for $49. iPhones are the new Razr phones. Soon they'll be giving away older models for free when you upgrade your McDonald's meal to the larger size.

Don't get me wrong, the iPhone is amazing. It's just not amazing in that, "oh look, we have something in common to talk about at the bar" kinda way. What kind of a question is, "Do you like it?" Of course she likes it! Up until this point, it was a great tool for making herself look busy so idiots like you wouldn't come up and talk to her at the bar.

Lastly, the apps question. C'mon, dude! It's like digging deeper into a hole you've already fallen into face-first. What better place can this conversation possibly go? Is your follow-up going to be, "I've got a great QR code reader I can recommend!" or "Oh, Angry Birds? Me too! Don't you just hate those sneaky green pigs?"

If she had a prototype iPad 7 with 3-D glasses and an attached USB espresso machine, maybe that's something to start a conversation about. Something like, "HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT THING?" is a great starting point. Otherwise, you gotta show up with something more to offer. Or better yet, leave the poor girl alone and let her play Words With Friends in peace.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like Sushi"

Bye bye bye, sushi shunners

I can't stand when guys tell me that they "don't like sushi". Who doesn't like sushi? What's not to like? He doesn't even know what he doesn't like because he keeps confusing raw fish with the entirety of Japanese cuisine.

"Raw fish feels gross in my mouth," he'll say, squirming in his seat. Well, then don't have raw fish. Have the shrimp or the tofu or the miso soup or the terriyaki or the tempura. When I rattle off his options, he shakes his head, holding his ground. "I don't like it. It's not for me. Let's just have Chinese food or something."

He's gonna turn his nose up at all Japanese cuisine now? What the hell? Japanese food in all forms is delicious and he's wrong.

Honestly, I couldn't see myself settling down with a sushi denier. It would never work. I'd crave a kickass spicy tuna roll and he'll be rocking in the corner babbling about the texture of raw fish in his mouth like a big baby. Who needs it?

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Just Got Out Of A Relationship"

I will now illustrate how I feel about the phrase, "I just got out of a relationship" using images of the Kool-Aid Man.

"I just"--

Got a kitten? Got a new tattoo? Got a friend request from your 6th grade crush? Haha. 

"got out of"--

Got out of a speeding ticket? Got out of a tight pickle? Got out of a tight sweater? What? Tell me.

"a relationship."

Oh.

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just run away from him as fast as you can, unless you like guys who have no idea what they want, what they're ready for, and/or how they feel about you. Then, by all means, stick around.

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Reader Submitted Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "You're Amazing But..."

From Jess, who is amazing. That's it; she's amazing! No "but" needed. 

Now, THAT'S an amazing butt!

After two months of this dude being hot and heavy for me, he texts me letting me know he needs a break. Within said text message was the phrase, "You're amazing but..." There shouldn't be a but after that. This is so mind numbingly fucked up on so many levels. It comes off as so patronizing. I am amazing, you don't need to tell me that. Also, if I am so amazing why are you texting me that you need a break?

While I'm here, could we start a "Behaviors I'd Like To Stab In The Face" series ,because texting important relationship updates is definitely one of them.

I wish I could say he was young or whatever but at 35, this grown ass man should know better, right?

Yikes. The only thing amazing about him is how amazingly stupid he sounds. Well, I don't know him. Maybe he was a nice guy. You clearly liked him for a reason. But, that whole break business? What are you, a Kit Kat? He's all, "Gimme a break," and you're like, "Whaaaaa?" That break stuff is some bullshit right there. Nah, fuck it. He sucks.

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Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "I'm So Lucky That I Met You"

Fuck my luck (FML)

We'll be in staring into each other's eyes, totally psyched about our newfound love when I'll confide, "I'm so lucky that I met you." I'll lean in for a kiss and he'll get a panicked look in his eyes. Apparently, he did not want to be "me lucky charm" as leprechauns say.

I'm not sure why my declaration of good fortune bummed him out, but it has. No guy has ever said, "Awwww, babe! I'm so lucky that I met you too" back to me. Not ever. Not once.

This phrase is like if a black cat walked under a ladder then broke a mirror when it was on the 13th floor to me; I've cursed myself by telling him what a blessing he's been.

In fact, in a cruel twist. he'll usually end it pretty soon after I acknowledge how much I love that "it" is even happening. I was just trying to be cute and say something sweet! Dubbayouteeeff?

Now, I'm terrified about mentioning luck at all because it's brought me nothing but bad luck to acknowledge my good luck. I feel like my life is a stanza in the Jabberwocky; it makes no fucking sense.

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Phrases I SAY That Guys Wanna Stab In The Face: "So, When Can I See You Next?"

Whoa there, Peter! Whatchu doin'?

This phrase is the equivalent of Greg Brady's cursed tiki statue in my life; it's my bad luck charm. Every time I've uttered, "So, when can I see you next?" to a guy I'm dating, he peaces out. It's alarming.

At first, I thought it was a coincidence, but as it's happened more and more, I'm beginning to think that it's a cursed phrase.

Instead of just not saying it--which is what a smarter person would probably do--I put my hair in a ponytail, slapped on a pair of goggles, lit up a Bunsen burner and started testing my theory to confirm that this phrase was a relationship doomer. But of course, as soon as the phrase left my lips, guys would get all squirrely and non-committal.

It seems like an innocent enough phrase, so I have NO IDEA why it has repelling powers. It's not like I'm asking him to shop for wedding dresses with me. I'm just trying to plan my week out. Sheesh!

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Gotta Use The Little Boys' Room"

From our reader, Liz, who gets a full body shudder when dudes say this to her:

It's a building that turns into a robot!

What is it with guys who use the phrase “little boys’ room” when referring the bathroom? Really? Are you going to play with LEGOs in there? Will you be having watergun fights and/or a Matchbox car race? Do you still wear Underoos, too?

Imagine if instead of politely excusing ourselves from the table saying that we “need to go freshen up,” we dropped them a little gem like, “Be back in a few. I've got to go take a poo poo. Don’t hold the appetizers; I’m gonna be gone a vewwy long time! Tee-hee.”

So, fellas, unless you have, ahem, little boy parts to go along with your little boy talk, please save the kiddie-speak for your Nana, who still thinks of you as her precious five-year-old. 

I can see why this would get on your nerves, but honestly, I think it's kinda cute when he says "little boys' room," But, I also think that spending my tax return money on comic books and candy is a reasonable thing to do so WHAT DO I KNOW?  

What do y'all think? Does this phrase make you cringe or not? Tell us in the comments.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Wanna Take You On A Real Date"

Much like how guys who say that they want to marry me on our first date rarely want to do it by our third date, guys who tell me that they want to take me on a real date, fail to follow through in any way, shape, or form. They might as well tell me that they want to take me to Narnia because they are both FANTASTICAL PLACES THAT I'LL NEVER GO TO.

So, what constitutes a real date to him? Pull up a chair. He'll say, "First, I'll pick you up at your house." *eyeroll*

"Then, I'll take you out for dinner. Maybe we'll split a milkshake with two straws like a Norman Rockwell painting," he laughs. "You'll love it." *yawn*

"Then, we'll go to a movie."  *double yawn*

"Then, we'll go out somewhere for a nice dessert." *zzzzzz*

This date will NEVER happen. It's like the unicorn of date promises; it doesn't exist. This magical date evaporates as soon as he articulates it.

Oh, he'll protest when I playfully say that it will never happen. He'll emphatically promise you that it will. He'll even take out the calendar on his cell phone and tell you exactly on which day this magical date will happen. Don't buy it! It won't. 

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