September 16, 2015

Get The Memo: I Keep My Relationship Offline

Hey guys!

I wrote an essay for the Washington Post about why I keep my relationship offline. In doing research for the piece, I found out that if you post too much about your significant other, people will think you suck. That totally makes sense which is why I don't do it!

Read the article here and let me know what you think. Do you post pics with your boo with two middle fingers in the air not giving a fuck, or do you keep it close to your chest and off your newsfeed? Let me know in the comments.

August 5, 2015

I Now Present You With The Official Shmitten Kitten Bad Date Bingo Card

Next time you have a crummy date, refer to this card. Let me know if you get Bingo because, hey, even if you weren't able to score on your date, you could still be a winner.

July 15, 2015

Real Talk: Ain't Nuthin' Wrong With Sending Texts From the Toilet

Your man texts you a funny meme from the third page of Imgur or Reddit. You giggle and continue about your day and think nothing of it. Like most text messages, it zips out of your consciousness as soon as you tuck your phone back into your purse.

Maybe if it's an especially compelling text, you'll send a series of emojis back--a pancake next to a crab and a cat with a party hat on, or a martini glass next to the waving and dancing lady. I'm a big fan of the thumbs up next to the smiley face wearing sunglasses because that's how I roll.

But, in all likelihood, I’d imagine that at least 35% of these daytime texts are composed sitting upon a man's most sacred throne: the toilet. In fact, the odds that a man is texting a woman at this very moment from the porcelain confessional are overwhelming. It's more pervasive than outraged tweets about the government shutdown.

For those of you who refuse to accept that nature and technology converge on the regular, you need to get over it. It’s not that big of a deal. You probably didn’t even know he was texting you from the toilet when it was happening. It's a victimless crime, like taking two samples at Costco or tearing the tags off your mattress.

After recently receiving what I know to be several texts from the time squatter, I felt that toilet texting is wildly misunderstood. It's got a bad rep. In fact, I think toilet texting should be viewed as a positive sign in a relationship for a couple of reasons.
1. Time spent at the thunderdome is a sacred time for people. It’s when a man can let his hair down, escape from life's stressors, catch up on his Facebook feed and maybe play a few rounds of Words With Friends. It’s a time of meditation and self-centering. If your man is taking the time out of his daily 2:00 PM meeting to drop you a line while he's dropping a deuce, he probably likes you.

2. It means that your beau doesn't take himself too seriously. Maybe I’m just foul-minded and hopeless, but I don’t mind a man who can laugh at himself, especially when his pants are around his ankles. It evens the playing field for women like me, all of whom are prone to fits of inappropriateness and the giggles.

3. It’s funny when your man leaves the room for fifteen minutes and starts texting you from across the house. That’s a toilet text and the fact that he’s not ashamed of it is good fucking news to me. I can always use a good meme and a guy who can make me laugh. But, gentlemen, if you think that your woman hasn't done it too, you’re fucking kidding yourself.
Toilet texting is one of the joys of living in 2013. So next time you hear someone cracking up in the can, know that he's 'avin' a laff in the loo on his mobile while he takes a wee (that's British!).

May 29, 2015

Dear Shmitten Kitten: How Do I Let This Guy Down Gently?

I received a letter from my reader, Arielle, who doesn't know how to let this guy down gently. Naturally, she asked me what to do even though I'm a total spazz in roughly 99% of my interactions with other people.
Eh, let's not do this "dating" thing. Cool?
Hey Anna!
I love, love, love your blog and book. I'm a huge fan! I need some advice though since I'm relatively new to dating. 
I went out on three dates with this nice guy, but we're just not compatible. We have mutual friends so I can't just ignore him and let it fizzle out. He's asked me out again, but I'm not sure how to let him know that I'm not interested. It's important that I don't come off as a bitch, but I need to make it clear that this isn't happening. 
What's a girl to do?
As a woman who'd rather dye her hair blonde and move to another state than tell a guy that I'd prefer not to share a plate of pad thai while he tells me about his day, I'm going to give you some advice. But it all depends how he asked you out.

If he asked you out by text, I'm going to need you to take a deep breath and type out the following: "I've had a lot of fun getting to know you, but I think we should keep things on a friend level. Cool?" My hope is that by prompting him with a question on the end like that, he'll quickly respond, "That's totally cool. No problem." And then you continue to enjoy your life guilt-free. If he tries to suss out why you aren't interested in moving things forward, don't take the bait! Just keep re-iterating that you two are better off as friends.

If he asked you out over email, you're going to need a little bit more of a composed response. I'd go with something like, "It's been a lot of fun getting to know you, but I think we're better off as friends." Really, keep it as short as possible. Don't go into reasons, don't tell him that the thought of seeing his naked body makes you want to puke. Just be concise, upbeat, and firm.

If he called you to ask you out and you feel like you have to call him back, I say just send him a text instead. Is it bad form? Maybe. Do you really care? Eh, you've only been out a few times so he'll just have to get over it.

Some people will tell you to break up in person, but that's bullshit. Who's got time to arrange a meeting all just to tell him to buzz off? No one's got time for that!

However, and this is important, you can't be weird when you see him next. You are now a robot and it's your mission to be cool as shit. If you're weird, it'll make him feel 100x weirder, trust me. The ball is in your court since you did the dumping. Never bring up the text or email you sent him. You have to act like he's your best friend's cousin; just be super cordial. You're going to need to summon all of your acting skills to pretend that the Failed Dating Disaster of 2013 never happened.

Good luck! Let me know how it goes. If anyone has any other suggestions, leave 'em in the comments!

May 8, 2015

I Have A Newsletter, Yo!

Me, basically
Hey guys! I haven't posted on here in a while, as I've been too busy slurping ice coffee now that the weather is above 75 degrees. 

As a head's up, I started a weekly newsletter as a fun way to talk about whatever I'm obsessed with. Things I love. Things I wish I could set on fire. Movies, TV shows, beauty products, phone apps, maxi dresses; they're all fair game. You can read the first missive here and you can sign up to receive updates delivered to your inbox below.

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And, I'm still writing a weekly advice column for the Frisky called "Make It Stop!" where I nip some shit in the bud. If you have any questions you want me to answer, email 'em to me at I usually tweet out links when it's up, so keep an eye on my Twitterfeed for it.

Happy weekend, everyone!

April 10, 2015

Story Time: How Do We Feel About Spending the Night Together After the First Date?

Is spending the night after the first date
a recipe for disaster or a recipe for awesome?
I recently caught sight of a guy dining at the restaurant he dumped me at like, five years ago. I didn't even see his face; I just saw the back of his head and immediately knew it was him. (I have all sorts of skills, people. Apparently, non-facial recognition is one of them.) It was a jarring experience, as you can imagine. It felt like I was in a bad dream.

Okay, so he didn't technically dump me; we'd only been out twice. He just happened to mention on our second date at this restaurant that he wasn't looking for anything serious and that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I don't why we needed to eat expensive salads while he told me this revelation, but whatever. I was more pissed that I did my hair and wore fancy shoes for no reason. No one wants to put mascara on to their own dumping.

Anyways, I was looking at the back of his head and I remembered our stupid lunch date so many moons ago and then I remembered our first, salad-less date. It was a great date! We ate dinner at a trendy restaurant. Conversation flowed easily and he told me that he thought I was pretty. We held hands. We kissed in his elevator. It couldn't have gone better. That's why I spent the night with him because I wanted to keep the fun goin'. It turned out to be a mistake, one which I kicked myself about for a very long time. I shouldn't have stayed over. Maybe we would've had a better shot at dating if I'd held out a bit longer? Can it work out when two people just jump right into it after a great date?   

What do you guys think? Is spending the night after the first date a recipe for disaster or a recipe for awesome? Do you have any special rules about it or do you go with what feels right when it feels right? Tell me in the comments!

April 2, 2015

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I'm Not Looking For A Relationship Right Now"

Sometimes I think that there must be an underground secret society where guys rack up points by saying this phrase to me. Maybe it's like skee-ball where they earn tickets for saying it and they can redeem the tickets for, I don't know, a baseball hat or a stuffed animal or some shit. In other words, guys say this to me. A LOT.

Personally, I've never looked for a relationship. Usually it's something I'm compelled to do against my better judgement like spending a sunny afternoon indoors watching a mini-marathon of MTV's True Life or ordering a shitton of tank tops online from Old Navy because they're on sale. No, I fall into relationships. It's like how Indiana Jones fell into that pit of snakes; similarly, there's a lot of trapdoors and dim lighting involved.

I know he's probably just trying to spare my feelings when what he really wants to say is that he doesn't wanna hear my opinions on "Mob Wives" anymore (they're not in the mob and most of them aren't married; it's a misnomer!). Maybe I'm too tall for him and he's sick of everyone staring at us when we walk in a room together but he doesn't know how to say that without sounding like an insecure dick.

Or maybe he really doesn't wanna be in a relationship with anyone, which I can respect even though it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard because I'd make a great girlfriend! I send funny text messages. I'll scratch his back anytime he wants me to. I own two seasons of "Mr. Show" on DVD. If that doesn't make for a perfect relationship, then I don't know what does.

No, I understand why he'd say this phrase to me. Relationships take a lot of work and sometimes a person's just not up for the challenge. It's not anyone's fault. I get that but it doesn't make it suck any less to hear him say it.

March 9, 2015

Flippin' Our Shades At Food Dude, "FX Movie Download" Host, and All-Around Renaissance Man, Adam Gertler

Chef. Harmonica player. Reality TV star. Sausage King of Venice Beach. Karaoke champion. Comic book nerd. Host with the most. Is there anything Adam Gertler can't do??

Philadelphians probably remember Adam as the chef at Locust Street's dearly departed The Smoked Joint: A Barbecue Experience, where both his cooking chops and his karaoke skills were on frequent display. (Yes, that was him, answering to "Doc G" and scooting around the floor flat on his back, squawking along to "Midnight Rambler" on his harmonica, his flame-embroidered suspenders hoisting his chef's pants up). He has since competed on season four of Food Network's "Next Food Network Star," making it to the finals, and hosted two follow-up series, "Will Work for Food" and "Kid in a Candy Store." Although he left Food Network in favor of hosting "FX Movie Download," his love of food drove him to amateur sausage making, and he is now the official Wurstmacher of West Coast-based Dog Haus Dogs. In his spare time (ha!) he lets his inner comic book nerd loose on a weekly podcast, "DC Movie News," and puts those karaoke-honed harmonica skills to good use with The Freedom Ledges.

In short: whatever your preferred flavor of Nerd Hot, there's something for you at the Doc G Buffet.

Adam was kind enough to catch his breath and answer our pressing questions. He doesn't bite unless asked or provoked (and no, much to his chagrin, the Wolverine claws are not, in fact, permanently attached to his adamantium-encased skeleton).
1.What's your idea of a perfect date?
Adam Gertler: One where the conversation is flowing without ever having to think about the flow of conversation. When the date's over and you wish it wasn't. I love food, so I can learn a lot about people from how they eat; what they eat; if they care about what they eat at all. If someone thinks that food is no big deal, and merely a means of sustenance, she's probably not a great match for me. 
2. What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
AG: I think trying to dominate the conversation and 'sell yourself' is a big mistake. The best thing you can do on a date is make a girl laugh -- but you need to get a sense of her humor, or else you risk the pitfalls of perceived douchebaggery. Being complimentary is good; too much is no good. And there's something to be said for playing it a little cool. 
3. What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date?
AG: Talk about her ex in a positive way. Other than that, general negativeness is pretty unattractive to me. Negativeness about herself, even worse. Confidence is very sexy to me. 
Tell us a secret!
AG: I'm afraid that I'll never find someone that loves me as much as I love them -- or vice versa. The odds of a long-term match seem farther away the older I get. Recently, I've been involved with people that I was pretty into, and it was ultimately unrequited.  Conversely, I'll go out with someone and she'll fall hard and fast, and I find myself wondering, "Is this ever going to add up to something equal?" 
4. What advice would you give a younger version of yourself about dating?
AG: Don't be afraid to approach someone you're attracted to. Don't be so scared of rejection (it's only a 'no'...) Slow down; it's not a drag race, cowboy. 
5. What would you put on a mixtape for a woman that you liked?
AG: "Ramblin', Gamblin' Man" - Bob Seger
"40 Day Dream" - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
"Can't You Hear Me Knocking" - The Rolling Stones
"Jersey Girl" - Tom Waits
"Isis" - Bob Dylan (Rolling Thunder Revue)
"Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison
"It Ain't Me Babe" - Johnny Cash
"Alison" - Elvis Costello
"Something" - The Beatles
"One More Cup of Coffee" - Jack White
"Loving Cup" - The Rolling Stones
"Comes a Time" - Neil Young
Yes, gals, he is single and looking, so go ahead and dust off your best karaoke standard / sausage joke / fangirl story about meeting Stan Lee and say hello on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.