April 3, 2014

Come To This! I'm Judging Geekadelphia's "The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth: A Comedy Throwdown"

What up, homies? Philly Tech Week is comin' 'round the bend, and I'm excited to announce that I'll be judging Geekadelphia's comedy show, "The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth" alongside Drink Philly's Adam Schmidt and Skeletor. Here are the deets via the FB invite:
Geekadelphia and Laughs on Fairmount are bringing something new to Philly Tech Week. Watch a colorful cast of characters as they’re pitted against each other in the premiere of "The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth: A Comedy Throwdown" at Urban Saloon. Be entertained by the comedy stylings of Philadelphia’s geek pride and joy, Doogie Horner
Hosted by Paul Triggiani, this live comedy event is a mix of trivia, improv, physical challenges and a whole lot of hilarity. Contestants like Molly Pace, Darryl Charles, and Jo Pincushion will prove their “geek cred” while flexing their funny bones at the same time. Even two members of the audience will be invited to join each team for chance to win something awesome.  
It’s up to judges like Anna Goldfarb, Adam Schmidt and Skeletor to determine each team’s fate. Get ready for a few surprises along the way. This isn’t your mother’s comedy game show… more like your senile nana’s comedy game show.  
Thursday, April 10th
8 pm doors/ 9pm show 
I'm 95% sure that I'm getting a haircut that day so if you want to see me with a tamed mane and not like a cosplay version of Cathy, this is your best bet. Let's do this, Philly!

March 17, 2014

Want to Become BFFs With Your Ex? READ THIS POST!

I wrote a piece for Thought Catalog about How to Become Best Friends with your ex in 9 Easy-ish Steps. I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope it shows.

March 13, 2014

Pics and Vids: Settle.com, The Dating Site For People Who Just Want Someone Near Them When They Die

Here's a cute spoof about online dating sites from the cool cats at Super Kudzo.

Want someone, anyone, as long as he or she has a pulse? Are standards getting in the way of finding true love? Well, Settle.com is the site for you. Watch:

March 11, 2014

Just Between Us: I'm Hot for Teacher (And Most Other Authority Figures, Really)

C'mon, gals. I can't be the only one who envied the boys in Varsity Blues when they realized that the exotic dancer at the strip club was in fact their teacher. (And then hated those boys' luck, because there's no way we lady-students are ever going to experience having our professor turn out to be Magic Mike.) 

I don't know when my love for teachers started. Maybe it was ignited by the guy who played the deliciously inscrutable Sky Masterson in the high school production of Guys & Dolls. Or maybe it was the lead singer whose hips moved in directions that mine couldn't unless I've had a bottle of tequila and a muscle relaxer. Or maybe it was my college advisor with the immaculately pressed French blue button downs and the big, pretty brown eyes. Whatever the cause, as the prophet "Diamond" David Lee Roth once said, "I've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad/ I'm hot for teacher."

The latest is a raging crush on my boss, who need only perform the most basic functions of his job for my mind to take off in a Roger Sterling-y direction:

yes, please!
It's tempting to blame my love for authoritative figures on "daddy issues," but my father is a happily married man -- to my mother, thankyouverymuch -- so I've started exploring other causes. At the end of the day, all I can come up with is the much-decried equalization of the sexes. These days, the "blurred lines" Robin Thicke sings about are likely to have less to do with his marriage boundaries (Who cheats on Paula Patton?!) and more to do with our society's courting roles. Women are tough. Men are soft. And I'm all kinds of confused, because as much as I want a guy to defer to me, it would also be really, really nice if he'd just take the damned reins and throw down.

And that search for someone who will exert some testosterone-laced masculine power leads right down the rabbit hole to men I have no business thinking about in the bathtub: authority figures, workplace superiors, and other dudes in my life who are in a position to call the shots. It helps explain why I entertained dudes like my high school boyfriend who insisted that he was into me, because "I needed someone to put me in my place." (Yeah, that's an entirely distinct bag of anti-feminist issues.)

The worst is my own inability to make a move. These are guys who could flunk me, fire me -- or at the very least, render the catchy tunes of my favorite band forever unpalatable -- by rejecting me. So I wait around for them to catch the hint, hopelessly crush-captive and totally powerless. And what's really cause for concern is the thought that maybe that's the feeling I've been after all along.

February 19, 2014

My Latest Good Idea: SoleMates, A Dating Site Where You Can View A Suitor's Shoes Before You Commit To Anything

Listen, it's 2014 and we're all busy as hell. We have to convince our friends to watch "True Detective" even though the first episode is a little boring, we have to tweet about the bad weather, and we have to avoid "House of Cards" spoilers. That's basically a full-time job on its own.

Therefore, we've got to cut to the chase when it comes to online dating. Blurry photos from four years ago aren't gonna convince me that this guy is gonna be soulmate. I don't trust 'em! Frankly, I'm gonna need more information to go on before I commit to any kind of public outing.

So before I invest too much time in crafting long, funny emails about myself, before I suggest a festive, casual place to meet for a drink (or six), and before I tell my best friend his first name along with two sentences summing up what his "deal" is, I wanna see what I'm working with here.

Enter my genius idea: 
SoleMates, a dating website where guys have to post pictures of their shoes on their profile. (I'll wait here while you wrap your heads around how brilliant my concept is.)

"That's not a bad idea, you clever bird." - David Bowie
To paraphrase Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire, "Show me the shoes!" because his shoes will tell me so much. 

For instance, I don't wanna see squeaky clean, chunky, white Reeboks (he's a clueless, cheesesteak-eating goon) or an old-ass Adidas flip-flop (he's an aging frat dude). No rank Converses (he's a cheapskate punker), or ratty Tevas (he probably has a smelly kitchen). And absolutely no running shoes where the toes are individually molded (he will probably hate my perfume and refuse to watch "Workaholics" with me).

However, I would welcome a classic navy New Balance sneaker or an old-school Saucony. A stylish Hush Puppy? Sure. A classic suede Puma sneaker he got on sale at DSW? Now that's a man I could knock boots with.

Who's with me on this? I think I'm on to something here. What would be your dream footwear on a dude? What would be your worst nightmare? Tell me in the comments.

January 31, 2014

I Love Love Love Guys Who Kick Ass At Doing Laundry

I was never taught how to do laundry growing up. College was the first time I put hamper to laundry room. The year was 1996 and the Internet was a baby that only had chatrooms and Livejournals, so I couldn't Google how to properly do laundry or anything.

After studying the directions on the back of the laundry detergent bottle, I took a deep breath, stuffed a week's worth of clothes into the washing machine, drizzled the blue soap over the heap, shrugged, and hoped for the best.

Fuckin' laundry. How does it work? 
Fifteen years later, I still have no idea how to wash anything that's not dark and made of cotton. I'm afraid to buy any clothes that need to be dry cleaned so I avoid them like the plague. Ditto for items that need to be hand-washed. If it can't be tossed into a washing machine with its clothing brethren, I'm not interested in wearing it.

I'm always surprised when I don't ruin my clothes in the wash. It's a victory for me any time they come out intact, without being shredded or otherwise damaged beyond repair. It's a straight-up miracle when the clothes come out of the dryer fluffy and clean.

Over the years, I've had my fair share of laundry mishaps. I ruined my favorite nightie. It got tangled and ripped in the wash; it looked it was attacked by a werewolf. I've shrunken a closet's worth of sweatshirts. I've also turned all of my black jeans into dark gray jeans. I don't know what I'm doing.

So I'm always super impressed that a guy has a tight laundry game. He knows the proper temperatures for the proper fabrics. He separates his loads into whites and darks. He even gets his work clothes dry cleaned on the regular.

He's also great at folding, a skill which has eluded me my entire life. Seriously, I can't fold for shit. I just re-shape the garment into a loose rectangle and jam it into my overflowing drawers, hoping it doesn't get too warped in the process.

Kickstartr to have Vickie Miner teach me how to fold
But him? All of his t-shirts are folded so crisp they're basically fabric Pringles. His sweaters are perfect, sharp squares, layered gingerly on top of one another on his spotless shelves. Even his socks are pristine. They're tucked into one another to make a solid ball of clean sock. There's a village of them happily nestled together in his sock drawer.

It's always a treat when he does my laundry for me. My Old Navy longsleeves look so happy in a crisp pile on his bed. My tank tops have never been so lovingly arranged. He even laid out my dresses perfectly. Sigh.

So all those fold-wizards and laundry lords out there, I salute you. You are a higher evolved life form and I'm in awe of your skills.

January 22, 2014

If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Gotta Get With My Guy Friends: The Three Rules of Dude Besties

While the stomach may be the fabled way to a man’s heart, everyone knows that a bestie is (and always will be) the fast track to a woman’s weak, melting knees.

You know that awkward first group hang, during which a girl manically hawk-eyes all interaction between her new beau and her bestie? It’s a pass-fail exam. To quote from the lady-killin’ wise man himself (Will Smith), “A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions.” And if my best friend loves ya, our relationship will happily proceed.

(Need not apply)
That rule applies to dude besties, too. Even straight ones. And you're gonna need to accept and respect his valued place in my life.

My dude bestie and I do everything best friends are supposed to do. I show up at his house uninvited. I drink beer with him. We play video games. I crush him in Mario Kart. We go out on weekends. We fall asleep in the living room watching The Office and we keep track of one another’s best jokes, quotes and misfires.

If opposites attract in relationships, weirdness unites in friends. My bestie and I are bonded for life by iron steel welded from too much cheap beer, shoving matches and one too many misadventures. His stamp of approval is not optional.

So, there are several examinations to undergo when a new guy I'm dating meets my dude bestie. He has to meet all Three Holy Tolerances:

1. Tolerant of (excessive) awkward touching.
Dude besties are really good at acting like big brothers. That means you will be witness to a lot of bizarre face touching and noogies. These horrifying caresses have one purpose: to annoy the $#^% out of me. Not you.

2. Tolerant of (excessive) bickering.
See aforementioned bestie forte.

3. Tolerant of (excessive) reminiscing. 
My bestie and I are closing in on about 18 years of friendship. There is a deep and humiliating well of stories to tell you about. The more I like you, the more embarrassing and lengthy these stories will become.

The truth is that most guys aren't phased by dude besties. He's another guy to catch the game with on Sunday (when I’m visibly not paying attention) and that’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Besides, there are plenty of other advantages to your girl being best friends with a male. He's both my Dr. Phil and my Fox Mulder. He knows when guys I date are being shady or when I’m just being overly anxious. He tells me to calm down about texting guys exactly two days later or when to back off and give the guy some space. He helps you.

But god help you if the words “jealous” and my bestie’s name ever wind up in the same sentence.

That's grounds for excommunication. 

January 7, 2014

Pics and Vids: A "Girls" Parody Featuring KITTENS!

I love everything about this. They totally nailed the vibe of the show. Just watch.

h/t Tastefully Offensive