November 2, 2016

Should I Be Friends with My Ex?

Would Freddy Mercury be friends with his ex? NO!
He'd mount Darth Vader's shoulders and belt out a tune.
My boyfriend of three years broke up with me last month and he insists on still being friends. I really miss him so I'm torn. But every time his name pops up on my phone with a silly text about his day, my heart breaks all over again. Am I crazy to want some space from him right now? Or should I push through my discomfort and try to be his friend?

He's being selfish. That’s probably why this all feels so icky, because this need to be friends is about him. It sounds like he’s intent on coming off as the “good guy” here. He probably feels guilty for ending it and is pushing this friendship on you to lessen his guilt.

Two words: FUCK THAT.

Repeat after me: he doesn’t get to dictate your reaction to his decision. He hurt you. It doesn’t do either of you any favors to pretend otherwise. The kinder, more respectful thing for him to do is to let you retreat to your corner and lick your wounds. How are you going to get over him if he’s texting you dumb observations throughout the day? You can’t! Besides, the truth is you aren't in a position to be his friend right now. Your heart needs to heal. In fact, this is one of the few times in life you can unapologetically put your emotional needs first. If you need to roll up in a ball, cry at random commercials, and buy a lot of weird face masks at Sephora as a self-esteem boost, fucking do it.

I strongly suggest you stop talking to him for a while. Like, there should be no communication for at least six months. Possibly up to a year. When seeing his name doesn’t make you want to hurl, that’s a good indication you could potentially resume a friendship.

But even then, for a friendship to work, you both have to be 100% over each other. He could lie naked next to you in a bed and you will have no desire to touch his body. That’s where you two need to be before you even attempt a friendship. In time--I'm talking a year or two at least--you can reconnect to see if there's a friendship there.

For now, protect your heart. You can't be his friend. He ended your relationship, but it's on you to take control of your life from this point on. You decide who you’re friends with. Don’t give him that power just so he can avoid feeling guilty. Because the only one who continues to hurt in this scenario is you.

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