Dear Shmitten Kitten: How Do I Let This Guy Down Gently?

I received a letter from my reader, Arielle, who doesn't know how to let this guy down gently. Naturally, she asked me what to do even though I'm a total spazz in roughly 99% of my interactions with other people.

Eh, let's not do this "dating" thing. Cool?

Hey Anna!
I love, love, love your blog and book. I'm a huge fan! I need some advice though since I'm relatively new to dating. 

I went out on three dates with this nice guy, but we're just not compatible. We have mutual friends so I can't just ignore him and let it fizzle out. He's asked me out again, but I'm not sure how to let him know that I'm not interested. It's important that I don't come off as a bitch, but I need to make it clear that this isn't happening. 

What's a girl to do?
Arielle

As a woman who'd rather dye her hair blonde and move to another state than tell a guy that I'd prefer not to share a plate of pad thai while he tells me about his day, I'm going to give you some advice. But it all depends how he asked you out.

If he asked you out by text, I'm going to need you to take a deep breath and type out the following: "I've had a lot of fun getting to know you, but I think we should keep things on a friend level. Cool?" My hope is that by prompting him with a question on the end like that, he'll quickly respond, "That's totally cool. No problem." And then you continue to enjoy your life guilt-free. If he tries to suss out why you aren't interested in moving things forward, don't take the bait! Just keep re-iterating that you two are better off as friends.

If he asked you out over email, you're going to need a little bit more of a composed response. I'd go with something like, "It's been a lot of fun getting to know you, but I think we're better off as friends." Really, keep it as short as possible. Don't go into reasons, don't tell him that the thought of seeing his naked body makes you want to puke. Just be concise, upbeat, and firm.

If he called you to ask you out and you feel like you have to call him back, I say just send him a text instead. Is it bad form? Maybe. Do you really care? Eh, you've only been out a few times so he'll just have to get over it.

Some people will tell you to break up in person, but that's bullshit. Who's got time to arrange a meeting all just to tell him to buzz off? No one's got time for that!

However, and this is important, you can't be weird when you see him next. You are now a robot and it's your mission to be cool as shit. If you're weird, it'll make him feel 100x weirder, trust me. The ball is in your court since you did the dumping. Never bring up the text or email you sent him. You have to act like he's your best friend's cousin; just be super cordial. You're going to need to summon all of your acting skills to pretend that the Failed Dating Disaster of 2013 never happened.

Good luck! Let me know how it goes. If anyone has any other suggestions, leave 'em in the comments!

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: How Do YOU Deal With Creeps?

Dear Shmitten Kitten,  

So, this is my new strategy that I already put to the test. If I'm out, like at a bar, and somebody that I don't know comes up to talk to me, like some random creeper, and I don't care to talk to him because my favorite song is playing and I'd rather sing and bop around to it with my gf's, I'll just shout, "I love a thumb hole" loud enough that he'll be able to hear me over the music. There's nowhere for him to go after that but any direction that I'm not in. It's my version of Elaine's "the dingo ate my baby."  

What are your strategies? Please share. I love your blogs and articles for other sites!  

Signed,
Karen

This is a great question! How do I deal with creeps? The honest answer is that I just straight-up tell them to buzz off. I'm not shy about it. In fact, I have a tendency to get irrationally angry and blurt out weird shit so it actually comes in handy in these situations. These are all things I've said to a creep:

• "Go away. I'm not kidding. Stop laughing. Seriously, I'm being totally serious right now."  

• "I'm not interested. Like, at all. In math terms, I'd say that I'm 0% interested." 

• "If you could leave me alone, that'd be great." (I call that move The Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker)

• "No habla Ingles. I SAID, 'NO HABLA INGLES!'"  

• I do that thing Patrick Swayze does in Dirty Dancing where he outlines his personal space in the air with his fingers then I warn them not to invade my invisible air rectangle.

• Sometimes I don't even talk, I just do a half-shrug/half-groan combo move. It's pretty sexy. Remind me to show it to you sometime.  

What do you guys do to give creeps the ol' heave ho? Tell me in the comments!

Wanna See Me Answering Your Dating Questions While I'm Drunk? NOW YOU CAN!

Good news! I'm now accepting submissions for a new video segment where I give readers dating advice when I'm drunk. Have a dating problem you'd like me to slur an answer to? Are you in a dating conundrum and want my take on it while I'm the opposite of sober? Email it to me at hi@shmittenkitten.com. I will give you my honest opinion about anything you wanna hear. I'm serious. Girl Scout's honor.

This is gonna be fun.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Are Dating Sites Lame?

Look at this! Someone wanted my opinion on something. Read on.

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Is using a dating website super lame? I think it's at least pretty lame but after a sucky break-up and having a falling out with my friend in quick succession, I was low both on confidence and people to hang out with. Though I haven't had a ton of problems in the past finding dates, I felt off my game and suddenly lacked most of my social circle through which I could meet people. Blurgh. So I started an OKCupid deal. But I feel totally weird about it! In your expert opinion is joining a dating site thing tantamount to "giving up" or is it semi-legit? Maybe even too semi-legit to quit?

Signed,
Charlie

Hey Charlie!

First of all, sorry about all the crap you're going through. What a bummer! To answer your question, I think that online dating has lost its stigma. My sister met her husband online so I know for a fact that it can work out. So, I say go for it. You honestly have nothing to lose.

Now if you're asking if I do it, the answer is HELL NO. Philly is a small town and this is weird to say but whenever I casually browse through OkCupid every six months or so, I find that I either know or have already dated most of the guys that catch my eye. But, I date more than anyone else I know so I guess my case is weird.

The other reason that I hate online dating is that I only prefer dating shorter guys which I clearly state on my profile. But what happens is that I have just a bunch of tall guys message me saying that I should give 'em a chance. Sorry, but I don't feel like scrolling through a bunch of boring emails trying to convince me to change my lifelong preferences in a mate. Also I write a site about dating which I think would be weird to explain to strangers on a dating site.

But, if I hadn't already dated half of my town and didn't have such finicky tastes and I had a normal job where I didn't write about dating every day, I would totally online date a ton. As long as you keep an open mind and approach it as a way to meet new people, I say give it a shot.

What do you guys think? Is online dating worth your time? Tell me in the comments.

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Hey Shania, This Guy Says That He's Gonna Call Me "Sometime Next Week"

Should I believe him?

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He Just Got Out Of A Four-Year Relationship A Month Ago: Should I Go Out With Him?

Duckie says:


Yeah, I'll hold off. Good looking out, Duckie.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: A Question About Your Question

This wasn't submitted as a Dear SK question, but it was a comment left in the previous post. Basically this person thought I was retarded for even asking a guy what kind of girl he usually dates. Instead of answering her comment there, I decided to make a new post about it because I thought it was a good question that deserved an answer. Here's what she said:

Dear Shmitten Kitten, 

I gotta tell you, it's a bad, bad question on so many levels. It's a set-up. Learn some better dating skills and ask better questions!

What difference does it make what kind of girls he "normally dates"? It has nothing to do with you and your date with him. Who cares about the others? Don't you want him to think about YOU? Why are you prompting him to think about the other girls and compare them to you??? Leave them out of your dates!

Here's some advice from a happily married woman who happily dated tons of guys before deciding it was time to be with just one:

1. The better the question, the better the answer!

2. On dates I let the guy focus on me, on him, and us, and our time together. I didn't solicit thoughts about other women on our dates. Two people on one date is enough thankyouverymuch. Why would you ask a guy to think about other women when he's on a date with you? 

As an aside, I don't ask every date this question. I usually only broach it when there's been a lull in conversation and I can't think of anything else to ask. However, I have to disagree with you here. I can glean a lot about his response:

1. If he likes me, he will answer without hesitation, "I love tall, busty, smart brunettes." Guess what? I'M A TALL, BUSTY, SMART BRUNETTE! If he says this, I will slide my chair closer to his and will smile both inside and out that I'm someone that he could see himself with. It's awesome because he's let me know that I'm his type, he feels comfortable with me and that I have a shot with him. Well played, fella.

2. He will let me know that I'm not usually the kind of girl he dates. He will answer, "I go for all kinds of girls." He didn't use his answer to reassure me that I'm his type so it tips me off that maybe I should be on guard with him a little. Whatever.

3. He will tell me he likes crazy girls. I KNEW something was off about him, and this answer confirms that I'd be wasting my time if I tried to take it further. Do not pass go, do not collect my $200.

4. He will tell me, "I usually go for short, mousy blondes." Guess what, I'm not a short, mousy blonde! You know this because you read my first point. This guy probably won't be prepared for all the attention we'll get by going out. I'm a tall girl with big boobs; people tend to stare sometimes. Not every guy can hang with that. 

See what I mean? There's a lot of information I get from his answer. I'm not asking for the names and addresses of his last 20 hookups, I'm just trying to get a sense where his head is at. Sheesh. What do you guys think?

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shady

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

First of all, hello. Second of all, what the fuck is up with dudes lately? When did Philly turn into Shady Lane? Almost every guy I meet has a girlfriend or--gasp!--a wife but they still hit on me like they're available. Once it gets going a bit, they either a) confess and back off b) try to downplay it until I find out on my own or c) plow through and pursue me anyway.

The weird thing is that these guys aren't even that hot, no offense. I mean, they're okay looking, but they really have NO REASON to be as shady as they are. They should be thrilled that any girl would want to hitch her trailer to that truck, why do they have to go potentiality ruin everything just for a little bit of my attention?

Every time it happens, I get more bummed out and more jaded. Are all guys like this or what? 

Signed,
Sick of the Shade

Duuuuuuude. I KNOW! I have no idea where their chutzpah comes from. They've got balls the size of two cheesesteaks to pull this shit on us. I'm sure it's a perfect storm on his part of boredom with his lady, attraction to you, and the promise of an ego stroke down the line.

I, too, have witnessed this phenomenon firsthand. I'm gonna narrow my eyes and look off into the distance. Wait, hold on. Now, I'm gonna take a sip of this whiskey and adjust my cowboy hat. Sorry! I've been watching The Big Lebowski lately and I wanna pretend that I'm the Stranger for a minute. Pretend that my voice is gravelly.

"Darlin', there ain't nothing you can do about it. Them there boys have no idea how to handle themselves around a beautiful woman such as yourself. Just be glad that it ain't your dude that's acting this way and be thankful that you aren't his main squeeze."

Did that help? Or, you can do what I do: laugh in his face, tell all of your friends what a creep he is and forward them all the dorky texts he sends you. That'll work too!

Have a question you'd like us to kinda sorta maybe answer? Send it along to hi@shmittenkitten.com and tell us what we can do to help.

ps- cheesesteak balls! haha. ick.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: When Can I Check Out His Check Out?

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Say, after going on some dates with a guy who is vibing you pretty hard, he falls off the face of the earth and stops contacting you. (I call this "the other Philly Special.")  Is it okay to call him on it and ask him what's up?  I don't wanna come across like a crazy female here, but I'd like to know what happened!  What do you think?

Signed,
Sick of Lame Boys

Holy moly, this is a great question. First, you came to the right place because this happens to us weekly. We know how every bone in your body wants to know the answer. Was it something you did? Was it something he did? Where did he go? Did he forget how to dial a phone? Is he rolling around in an oak tree making E.L. Fudge cookies with the other Keebler elves? Well, I have an unsexy answer to your sexy question: it depends.

The longer it's been since this happened, the greater your chances are of finding out what his deal was. If this happened two years ago, he will probably have the clarity to tell you exactly what happened. If this happened last week, chances are, he's still in the middle of figuring out whatever the hell his problem is. But, you can't force it. It has to happen naturally, like you run into him at a bar or at a party and then you can confront him about it. If you call him up and demand an answer, well, good luck with that. 

Personally, when a guy peaces out on me, I naturally assume that he developed a severe digestion problem which is causing him to let off the meanest, smelliest, and just downright insensitive farts and he couldn't bear the thought of me being around that. At least, that's the story I tell myself. It makes me feel better, like a fart-y fable. Then, I picture him farting up the room until it smells like a Bombay bazaar in the dog days of summer. Gross, right? *gag* I'm gonna assume that this fart theory is what happened until he tells me something different. And, who wants to date a frequent, flagrant farter? Not me!!

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Less Caviar, More Taco Bell

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I'm dating this awesome guy who knows a ton of people and seems to have a connection everywhere. He's always offering a hook-up or a perk, which is very generous of him--and much appreciated by me. But I'm from the mean streets of Lower Bucks County where life is not exactly fancy.

How do I politely let him know that he doesn't have to be so generous? I mean, if I don't mind sitting in section 420 at Citizen's Bank Park, let's just enjoy the game from section 420. It's cheap! I just feel like Little Orphan Annie every once in a while in his world full of Benjamins.

xoxo,
Less Caviar, More Taco Bell

Dear LCMTB,

At first, our response was a really sarcastic, "Boohoo! You have a guy that you are attracted to who treats you like a princess. That must be SO HARD." Then, we did this mocking wiping-away-a-tear gesture. Truthfully, it was pretty condescending and we're glad that you didn't see us doing it.

Now that we've got that out of our system, we can empathize with you. It's a drag when scales are imbalanced in any relationship. Usually with us, it's that we want one and he doesn't. *rimshot noise*

It sucks you can't reciprocate his generosity. We hear ya. To make an awkward postal metaphor, if he's been giving you the first class treatment, it should be fine to suggest more ground shipping activities. One of our favorite dates was when our guy--well, one of our guys--took us for drinks on the 19th Floor of the Bellvue Hotel, then to dinner at Parc, then to drinks at McGlinchy's. It was the perfect mix of high-brow and low-brow; French cuisine to pints of Porter.

Suggest going somewhere more affordable. Or, just enjoy it while you can because eventually he'll get sick of paying for you and when it's your turn to chip in, it'll be pasta night with Netflix on Demand at your place. As Milli Vanilli would say, "Girl, you know it's true."

You might ask yourself, "Shmitten Kitten, what qualifies you to give such expert advice?" Well, if you haven't heard, some random Web site we never heard of ranked us as the #1 Twitter account to give dating advice to women. Yup, our half-assed answers to your questions are considered to be fully-assed by Datingonline.org. And, that's special to us.

If you have a question, drop us a line at hi@shmittenkitten.com. We will dispense our award-winning--or at least transparently link-baiting--advice to you free of charge 'cause that's just how we roll.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: He Moved Home and I'm (Surprisingly) Moved

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I met a great guy this weekend and thought of you! It was one of those Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller moments. We were chatting about the usual bar conversation topics and everything was going swimmingly. Then, he let it slip that he had moved back in with his parents. While this normally would have had me moving off my stool faster than a cat dropped in a full bathtub, I found myself sticking around to hear the full story. I don't know if it was his blue eyes or knowledge of early punk rock that propelled me to stay, but either way, I'm glad I did!

He recently got laid off and had to settle with a job making half of what he was before the economy tanked like a bad date. Deciding to move back home to save money for a year seemed better than ranking up some serious debt. With the economy hitting everyone hard, I would rather have a guy with who possess the capacity for forward thought then one who has big debts down the road. As long as you have actual plans and an EMOD (Estimated Move Out Day), I'll give you some leeway. Hey, everyone needs a helping hand every once in a while. Down due to the economy dudes, I'll happily give you mine. The strapped for cash cutie even sprung for a round! If you're willing to dish out some of your saved dollars for my beer, I'll gladly return the favor; preferably on date number two.

Love love love,
Ok with PBRs As Long As There Is An EMOD

We totally agree that this dude sounds radical. You kind of made us jealous that he's an old skool punk rocker because that's our soft-spot too. [As a side note, we've been meaning to do a Tip Our Hats to old skool punk rockers and you, my dear, just reminded us to get on that ASAP.] That's great that you are so understanding about his situation. It seems that he's the lucky one here.

Additionally, you make a terrific point: If the guy is watching his dollars and still buys you a beer, it means more than if he were rolling in cash and took you out to Le Bec Fin. We give him two thumbs up. Thanks for the awesome letter. Oh, and let us know if he has any hot, single ex-punk friends. We could use someone to serenade us with Descendents songs on command.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Fudgin' Boy Judgin'

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Have you ever run into the problem of accidentally getting the totally wrong impression of a guy? There was this dude I used to work with who I wrote off upon first glance. He was this big, muscular dude who wore a haircut and clothes that I constantly associate with douchebags (actually, I kind of still do). I used to groan every time I shared an elevator with the guy without ever getting to know him.

About a year after we all got laid off, I ended up running into the guy at a barbecue across the street from my house of all places. After like half a beer with the guy, I realized he was this super nice, really smart, awesome guy. I missed out on having an awesome work buddy. I'm not sure how this relates to you, your blog, dating, or dudes, since this was a bromantic situation, but the story made me think of you and your site for some reason.
Signed,
Judge Reinhold

Huh. We're sure that we've misjudged guys, but misjudging a potential buddy is very different than misjudging a potential romantic interest. For the most part, we know what we like. As they say, this pie--our attraction pie, that is--is baked.

However, since we're wrong about a lot of things with alarming frequency, we've recently decided to give consideration to guys we wouldn't normally consider at all. Blame it on a bout of pre-summer optimism, but we've been trying to expand our horizons, dating-wise. Everyone has a chance to win our heart! Yes, guys who wear socks with sandals, even you. (Just kidding. You still don't have a chance.)

So, how's it been going? Well, not well. Apparently, dating out of our comfort zone is uncomfortable. It seems that we knew what we were doing before (for once!) The verdict: judging dudes is totally ok! In fact, it's encouraged. At the end of our great experiment, we came to the conclusion that the heart knows what it wants. If anything, we just kicked ourselves for trying to make it work with someone we knew we weren't attracted to all along.

What do you guys think? Have you fallen for a guy you previously dismissed? Can you overlook his socks and sandals and bluetooth to find true love? Are those superficialities surmountable? Did I just make up the word "surmountable" or does it really exist? Let us know!

[Update: I just talked with Shannon and she reminded me that I fall for guys that I'm not initially attracted to all the time. She rattled off, like, six names with relative ease. So, I learned that not only do I misjudge guys frequently, but I also have a terrible memory.]

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: A Recession Confession

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I've read your site for a while and I was hoping you could help me out. You see, I am unemployed. I feel like no girl would ever wanna go out with me because I'm broke. I can barely afford a PBR for myself, let alone a pretty girl. So, am I doomed to be single forever or what?

Signed,
A Broke Bro

Broke Bro,

Listen, I know we rag on poor guys, but the truth is that we couldn't care less about the size of your wallet. Not to sound too cliche, but as long as you make us feel happy, safe, and beautiful, you are basically in. If you make us laugh so hard that we pop a button, we'll totally keep you around.

But, there's a correct way to be a broke boyfriend. And, when we say "broke," we assume that you are a college-kid kind of broke, i.e. you at least own a cell phone and a computer. If you don't have those staples, you're gonna need Johnny Depp's looks combined with the Dalai Lama's personality. If you do not have that winning combo, then here are some free ways to woo us:

• Thinking about us is free. Send us funny texts with good grammar and/or text us just to say good morning.
• Cook us dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy; pasta is fine.
• Take us out to house parties and friends' houses to hang out. It doesn't get any free-er than that.
• Buy us cheap wine and cheap beer to share. We're not too fussy. And, if you get the first round, we'll pick up the second.
• Make us music mixes and burn us CDs of bands you think we'd like.
• Get us on the guest list to see your friends' bands play: we're happy to be your plus one. Or, take us to the bar your buddy bartends at. You know he'll hook us up.
• Pre-game, pre-game, pre-game. It's totally fine if we show up to the bar already drunk.
• Spend a date walking around town eating pizza and sippin' on slurpees. Extra credit if you hold our hand too.

On the flip side, if you are a broke bro, do NOT do the following things:

• Take us out to nice restaurants and say, "You got this, babe?" when the check comes. It's irritating when you take advantage of our generosity. It can be fun to be your sugar mama, but it's not fun to feel like a sucker. We are not an ATM or your mother, so don't expect us to foot the bill every time we dine.
  
• Splurge on a huge purchase for yourself then complain to us that you have no money to take us out. So, you spent your money on a new computer monitor but you still expect us to finance your hoagie habit? Aw, hell no.
• Use your dire finances as an excuse to skimp on hygiene products. You can afford toothpaste, darlin'. Even the dollar store sells toothpaste! Buy some more! Quit using the same crusty, spent tube. Ugh.
• Don't act like our house is some magical free-land where you can stuff your face with our food and use our fancy products indiscriminately. Do you know how much Bumble and Bumble shampoo costs? You don't need an entire handful of it to wash your hair, Captain Carefree.
• This also applies to our liquor: yes, we will notice if you drink it all every time you stop by. What are you, from the Third World? Quit it!

Really, it's up to you. The power to be a rad dude is in your economically disadvantaged hands. Girls, what do you think? Would you date a dude who's light in the bank account area? Where do broke guys usually go wrong? We wanna hear your two cents.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Spring Sprang Sprung

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Is Mercury in retrograde or something? It seems like everyone I know is going through some intense drama all of a sudden. Couples are breaking up, friends are losing their jobs left and right; everyone just seems on edge. What's the deal?

Signed,
Sprung by Spring

Dear Sprung by Spring,

Man, we hear ya! March came through like a wrecking ball. As the temperature rises, the nuttiness turns up to 11. It's like those old skool Bonkers commercials where a huge fruit-shaped object crashes through your roof and lands on your sofa except instead of a giant strawberry mucking up the flow, it's people bumming out our loved ones.

Our advice: roll with it. Spring fever is hitting hard so do some crazy stuff yourself. As long as you don't throw a drink or a punch, you're good. Switch it up a bit. Get a haircut. Hang out in new places. Make new friends. Flirt with the hot guy you always see at the cafe who totally has a girlfriend. Toss out some negs to the cute guy at the Mac store. Make it count! Besides, come summer barbecue time, you'll be relaxing poolside with buddies, margs and (veggie) burgers. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's called Memorial Day Weekend.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Status Anxiety

This week, one of our readers writers in with a serious question. Let's take a look:

 

Dear Shmitten Kitten, 

This is a weird question and I totally feel like a sixth grader for asking you this, but when is it ok to change my relationship status? I've been kickin' it with a dude for almost a month. We've decided not to see anyone else but we haven't gone ahead and made the public declaration about our commitment to each other.

Part of me thinks the whole thing is lame, but part of me wants to announce to the world that I have a man! I don't want to be a freak and change my status before he does. So, what's the answer? Do we have to do it simultaneously? I don't want to bring it up to him, but at the same time, I'm itching to click that button!

Signed,
Good to Go

Whoa, GTG. We hear ya. There's something reassuring about seeing your name in the newsfeed next to a heart icon announcing that you are in a relationship to your friends, acquaintances, and people you never liked but felt weird about hitting the "ignore" button on. Weeeee! It feels like you are on a technological love slide. That's a powerful rush, we know.

But, on the other hand, you don't want your dude to know that you care about those things. So, what's the answer? Write "Your Name is in a relationship with His Name" on a piece of paper. Get crafty. Put some glitter on it. Draw a heart or two; really doll this thing up. Once you have it looking all nice and pretty, mail it to yourself. Because really, no one gives a fuck about your budding beau like you do. There, I said it. Boom!

The only people who are going to care about this life update of yours are your mouth-breather exes and you know that this will prompt them to rummage around your profile like it were a sock drawer, hunting for info about your new suitor. Your best friends already know that you two are an item, so leave it at that for now. Besides, we all know that clicking the "single" button when it doesn't work out is one of the sharp pains of 21st century living. Spare your future self the discomfort. Your future self will thank you for it.

Have a question that's been keeping you up at night? Drop us a line at hi@shmittenkitten.com and we will take you seriously. Girl Scout's honor.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Liar, Liar Profile On Fire

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I recently subjected myself to the dehumanization of creating a profile on Match.com. Unfortunately, I'm starting to believe that I am completely undate-able because at the tender age of 29, I'm divorced. (Being a towering 5'6 doesn't help either). I've had multiple friends tell me I need to lie and deal with the consequences later. I'd rather not, as I prefer honesty above all.

So here's the question. What level of lying on an online profile is acceptable?

Thanks,
Liar, Liar Profile On Fire

LLPOF, I'm gonna give this to you straight: your friends are wrong. The reason people turn to Internet dating--besides finding new people in the city to avoid--is to make a connection with someone. This connection needs to start off on the right foot. Besides, if you and this lady hit it off, a face-to-face meeting is the next step. Any untruths about your appearance will be uncovered instantly. Have you ever tried politely sipping coffee when you're disappointed? It suuuuuucks.

The only kind of things that I think it would be okay not be 100% truthful about might be aesthetic things, like what was the last book you read. Write something that sounds smart and easygoing, like a David Sedaris book. And, for music, always put Belle & Sebastian and Bruce Springsteen in with whatever bands you namecheck. It's a quick way to let the ladies know that you have a sensitive side but you can be rugged too. We eat that stuff UP.

Listen, don't let your insecurities get in the way when you're filling out your stats. Personally, I would seek out a shorter guy so what might seem like an unappealing quality to you might be superattractive to the right person. And please, be upfront about being divorced. If you aren't, then you'll stress about when would be the right time to tell her and that won't be fun. And, isn't the whole point of the Internet to make our lives more fun?

If you have a burning question, drop us a line at hi@shmittenkitten.com. We promise to lead you towards the light.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Where Are All The Hot Young Dudes In This Town? (aka The Million Dollar Question)

We got a letter from one of our readers who needs guidance about Philly's dating world. Naturally, she turned to us. Let's put on our reading glasses and see what's up:

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I just got out of a year+ relationship that I was in when I moved here, so I've never been single in the city. I figured you girls would know best: where is there for a single girl to meet people? Thanks!

Signed,
Help Me, Shmitten Kitten, You're My Only Hope

Well, HMSKYMOH, you've come to the right place. If there is anyone who knows where the dudes are, it's us. Step right up and let's take a look-see. Imagine us on my rooftop, surveying the city below us. I'm gonna give this to you straight so buckle up.

If you're looking for over-educated, emotionally unavailable Elvis Costello-type drunks, I would suggest milling around Center City's premiere dive bar, McGlinchy's. If you wanna date a guy who will spend half of your date checking his hair in his cell phone's reflection, you could pick up a dude at the Barbary. If you wanna hear the phrase, "Wanna go back to my place and listen to the demo I just recorded?" then hustle on over to Johnny Brenda's. Wanna meet a guy who has a sweet record collection but doesn't have a real job and is in his thirties? Go grope 'em at the Pope. Do you wanna hang with a guy who picks fights with cabbies and walks around in nothing but a shiny blue shirt in the middle of winter? You have your pick of Old City watering holes. I'm not even going to include West Philly dudes because you're not gonna wanna deal with the schlep to their drafty flophouse. Maybe you should consider going to Making Time, the anything-goes-funfest. If you can't hook up at that party, then you must be dead. Or asleep.

What's that? Oh, you want to date a normal dude, not just have a fast and sleazy hook-up? Oh jeez. I don't know what to tell you. Actually, this blog is about how we can't get a boyfriend so this is kinda awkward. Maybe the new fiction section at Barnes & Noble? Or, Reading Terminal Market on the weekends? Take a yoga class? Take a page from Meg Ryan's book and get an AOL account. Who knows? We haven't--ahem--cracked that code yet. Maybe there's some magical place in town where single guys magically wait for us lovely ladies to pluck them from singlehood. Well, it does exist and it's called OkCupid.com and it's actually a pretty terrifying place.

Our verdict: dudes seem to only come to you when you aren't sweating them. So, don't sweat it. Also, alcohol helps.

Do you have a question for us about some important life quandry? Drop a line to hi@shmittenkitten.com and we'll give it the ol' college try.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: WTF?

Hanging out last week, we ran into some guys who seemed seriously bummed that they weren't included in this sexy dude hoopla. They couldn't understand why they didn't make the cut. We even got a letter from one!

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

What the hell? Why wasn't I nominated? I'm pretty hot. I'm in a band. I have glasses. Seriously, why wasn't I nominated?

Signed,
Whatevs

Whoa, Whatevs! Chances are, we do think you're hot. And, if you bought us a beer that cost over $4, we'd probably even give you our number. But, we couldn't add everyone. I mean, we were only supposed to pick five and we had a hard enough time doing that. Don't worry; we'll do the contest again in 2009. We'll look down at our "What Would People Magazine Do?" bracelets and follow their lead.

Just stop badgering us when you see us out. In case you didn't get the memo, yelling at us in a bar about how hot you are is NOT HOT. Capiche?

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Label Anxiety

Oh man! This is the last "Dear Shmitten Kitten" question that our buddy Dorothy Robinson, co-author of Dating Makes You Want to Die (But You Have To Do It Anyway), will answer. And, it's a good one! A huge, whopping thanks goes out to Ms. Robinson for lending her expertise. If you have a question that you want our seasoned perspective on, send an electronic courier pigeon with a message in binary code to us at hi@shmittenkitten.com. Ok, now read on:

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I was married for three years and just got divorced at 22. I am liberated, but at the same time--COMPLETELY CLUELESS. Let's just say I wasn't reeling in the boys during high school except for the one I ended up hitched to. So the question: How do you know when things get "exclusive?"

For example, I'm dating a guy who I've seen outside of our mutual group of friends about four times. We skipped over "the talk" and dove right into the good stuff and I don't think there's any turning back. If you ask me, we became totally boyfriend-girlfriend on the first night we went out. I got nervous at the ball park and told him all about how hot dogs are made, because I saw it on the Food Network once. And he stuck around after that!!! So how do I ask this guy if we're really "together" without scaring him off?

Signed,
Anxious Labeler

Dear Anxious Labeler,
There is no reason to bring up "are we boyfriend/girlfriend? OMG!" talk too soon. Unless, of course, you are having unprotected sex and then you need to have some sort of conversation to make sure the two of you are being monogamous and are clean (yes, I know that is scary but you know what is scarier? Genital warts. Just sayin').

But, if you are having a good time and being safe, and he seems like he is having a good time, why rush to label it? At 22, you have all the time in the world. So just let things progress naturally until he brings it up. I know you are impatient to know what he's thinking but he'll make it known before long. Either he will drop either the "g" or "b" word or he'll flake out and you'll feel like shit. But that's better than you thinking you ruined something by being annoying about labels too early in the game. -Dorothy Robinson

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: What's The Deal With Dudes Being Drink-Buying Dicks?

Woohoo! We have Dorothy Robinson, co-author of Dating Makes You Want to Die (But You Have To Do It Anyway) on hand to answer another one of our readers' burning questions. Listen up class, Ms. Robinson is gonna kick the knowledge:

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Why do boys get so freakin' pissed if they buy you a drink and they don't get more than a thank you? I had a guy announce to the whole bar that no one should buy me drinks after I only made a few minutes of conversation with him, thanked him, and moved on. It was only four dollars and he offered! I didn't ask for it! Do guys really think that by buying you a drink it means they have rights to you for the rest of the night?

Signed,
Turned Off By The Whole Thing

Dear Turned Off,

I love drinking. I also love chivalry. You would think that when these two things combine, it would manifest itself into free drinks all night long, purchased by nice gentlemen whose only goal for the night is to see you have a fun time. This is not the case.

Men buy you drinks because it's an opening to pretend like they're being chivalrous, when in fact they just want to see you naked. So when your nakedness doesn't happen, they get pissed. It's like when you put 25 cents in one of those crane games thinking you can totally hook a stuffed animal and get frustrated when it slips through the pinchers. You are out of your investment and a stuffed Shamu.

Look, I know you, your conversation, and access to your lady parts cost way more than $4, and why men think that a free drink is cost of admission, I have no idea. But, their frustration is genuine. I always suggest that unless the guy looks like someone you want to talk to, turn down the offer. You--and your time--is worth way more than a free drink. -Dorothy Robinson

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