Dear Shmitten Kitten,
I've read your site for a while and I was hoping you could help me out. You see, I am unemployed. I feel like no girl would ever wanna go out with me because I'm broke. I can barely afford a PBR for myself, let alone a pretty girl. So, am I doomed to be single forever or what?
A Broke Bro
Listen, I know we rag on poor guys, but the truth is that we couldn't care less about the size of your wallet. Not to sound too cliche, but as long as you make us feel happy, safe, and beautiful, you are basically in. If you make us laugh so hard that we pop a button, we'll totally keep you around.
But, there's a correct way to be a broke boyfriend. And, when we say "broke," we assume that you are a college-kid kind of broke, i.e. you at least own a cell phone and a computer. If you don't have those staples, you're gonna need Johnny Depp's looks combined with the Dalai Lama's personality. If you do not have that winning combo, then here are some free ways to woo us:
- Thinking about us is free. Send us funny texts with good grammar and/or text us just to say good morning.
- Cook us dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy; pasta is fine.
- Take us out to house parties and friends' houses to hang out. It doesn't get any free-er than that.
- Buy us cheap wine and cheap beer to share. We're not too fussy. And, if you get the first round, we'll pick up the second.
- Make us music mixes and burn us CDs of bands you think we'd like.
- Get us on the guest list to see your friends' bands play: we're happy to be your plus one. Or, take us to the bar your buddy bartends at. You know he'll hook us up.
- Pre-game, pre-game, pre-game. It's totally fine if we show up to the bar already drunk.
- Spend a date walking around town eating pizza and sippin' on slurpees. Extra credit if you hold our hand too.
- Take us out to nice restaurants and say, "You got this, babe?" when the check comes. It's irritating when you take advantage of our generosity. It can be fun to be your sugar mama, but it's not fun to feel like a sucker. We are not an ATM or your mother, so don't expect us to foot the bill every time we dine.
- Splurge on a huge purchase for yourself then complain to us that you have no money to take us out. So, you spent your money on a new computer monitor but you still expect us to finance your hoagie habit? Aw, hell no.
- Use your dire finances as an excuse to skimp on hygiene products. You can afford toothpaste, darlin'. Even the dollar store sells toothpaste! Buy some more! Quit using the same crusty, spent tube. Ugh.
- Don't act like our house is some magical free-land where you can stuff your face with our food and use our fancy products indiscriminately. Do you know how much Bumble and Bumble shampoo costs? You don't need an entire handful of it to wash your hair, Captain Carefree.
- This also applies to our liquor: yes, we will notice if you drink it all every time you stop by. What are you, from the Third World? Quit it!