May 11, 2009

Dear Shmitten Kitten: A Recession Confession

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I've read your site for a while and I was hoping you could help me out. You see, I am unemployed. I feel like no girl would ever wanna go out with me because I'm broke. I can barely afford a PBR for myself, let alone a pretty girl. So, am I doomed to be single forever or what?

A Broke Bro

Broke Bro,

Listen, I know we rag on poor guys, but the truth is that we couldn't care less about the size of your wallet. Not to sound too cliche, but as long as you make us feel happy, safe, and beautiful, you are basically in. If you make us laugh so hard that we pop a button, we'll totally keep you around.

But, there's a correct way to be a broke boyfriend. And, when we say "broke," we assume that you are a college-kid kind of broke, i.e. you at least own a cell phone and a computer. If you don't have those staples, you're gonna need Johnny Depp's looks combined with the Dalai Lama's personality. If you do not have that winning combo, then here are some free ways to woo us:
  • Thinking about us is free. Send us funny texts with good grammar and/or text us just to say good morning.
  • Cook us dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy; pasta is fine.
  • Take us out to house parties and friends' houses to hang out. It doesn't get any free-er than that.
  • Buy us cheap wine and cheap beer to share. We're not too fussy. And, if you get the first round, we'll pick up the second.
  • Make us music mixes and burn us CDs of bands you think we'd like.
  • Get us on the guest list to see your friends' bands play: we're happy to be your plus one. Or, take us to the bar your buddy bartends at. You know he'll hook us up.
  • Pre-game, pre-game, pre-game. It's totally fine if we show up to the bar already drunk.
  • Spend a date walking around town eating pizza and sippin' on slurpees. Extra credit if you hold our hand too.
On the flip side, if you are a broke bro, do NOT do the following things:
  • Take us out to nice restaurants and say, "You got this, babe?" when the check comes. It's irritating when you take advantage of our generosity. It can be fun to be your sugar mama, but it's not fun to feel like a sucker. We are not an ATM or your mother, so don't expect us to foot the bill every time we dine.
  • Splurge on a huge purchase for yourself then complain to us that you have no money to take us out. So, you spent your money on a new computer monitor but you still expect us to finance your hoagie habit? Aw, hell no.
  • Use your dire finances as an excuse to skimp on hygiene products. You can afford toothpaste, darlin'. Even the dollar store sells toothpaste! Buy some more! Quit using the same crusty, spent tube. Ugh.
  • Don't act like our house is some magical free-land where you can stuff your face with our food and use our fancy products indiscriminately. Do you know how much Bumble and Bumble shampoo costs? You don't need an entire handful of it to wash your hair, Captain Carefree.
  • This also applies to our liquor: yes, we will notice if you drink it all every time you stop by. What are you, from the Third World? Quit it!
Really, it's up to you. The power to be a rad dude is in your economically disadvantaged hands. Girls, what do you think? Would you date a dude who's light in the bank account area? Where do broke guys usually go wrong? We wanna hear your two cents.


amanda mello said...

Anna's right dude, being unemployed and broke is surprisingly NOT a bonerkiller . . . provided you're not just laying on your ass whining about being unemployed and not making any moves to figure your shit out.

A lot of us ladies are unemployed and it's kind of rad to have a dude to waste entire days with in the park. We can sleep in, make some breakfast, and ride our bikes to lay in the grass and read. We're all about dating on the cheap. And a lot of us aren't gold digging bitches who only want you for your money. I'm totally cool with going dutch. Really. In fact, I'd rather split a bill than constantly feel like a kept woman. That shit gets WEIRD. Fast.

Don't fret, Broke Bro. Be upfront and your likely to find that most ladies don't mind. For reals.

Julia said...

As long as I am not supporting him, his smoking or diet coke habit and he has a plan to one day not be broke, I am ok.

Attia Taylor said...

Please, dont constantly complain about it! Thats a boner killer!! Just go with the flow! Let me know and we can move past it.

no. said...

Please, broke dudes are pretty much the only ones I get with. If he had a job AND a place to live all at once, I pretty much wouldn't know how to deal.

Anna said...

I only get with broke guys too, but it makes all the difference if they can be classy broke guys, you know? Just cause their wallets are empty doesn't mean they can't be generous with other things.

Pursuit of Matching Accessories said...

I've said this many times on my blog, but here we go again... "Maybe I'm just a bitch, BUT..."

I can't handle dating someone who is broke. I think because I am that horrible girl who cannot just date for the heck of it. I've been taken care of all my life and definitely want a guy who can maintain my standard of living. It's not fun being broke! I dated a guy for a little while who, while he could afford to take me out, had a crappy car, no furniture, but he would tell me about his financial struggles due to some stupid student loans he made (not the regular kind we all deal with... a really stupid financial decision he made) and it was a SERIOUS boner killer, as you guys would say.

Platypus Jones said...

Pursuit, sounds like his constant discussion was the boner killer.

Broke Bro, having a been a broke bro myself (one second date consisted of a job fair and a walk on the Parkway), I have to say you have to be more creative to bring the woo. However most women are more appreciative of gifts or plans that you took some time on rather than something you just bought at the store anyway.

Pursuit of Matching Accessories said...


Had he not ever mentioned it, it wouldn't have bothered me. Hell, we all have student loans! We just aren't freaking stupid. He only mentioned it a few times, but it was a few times too many. I don't want to hear, "I have to go to the bank tomorrow and try to get a loan because..."

Platypus Jones said...

Fair enough, that does sound uber lame.

Anna said...

I'm like Straight Eye For The Poor Guy.

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