March 8, 2010

Dear Shmitten Kitten: A Question About Your Question

This wasn't submitted as a Dear SK question, but it was a comment left in the previous post. Basically this person thought I was retarded for even asking a guy what kind of girl he usually dates. Instead of answering her comment there, I decided to make a new post about it because I thought it was a good question that deserved an answer. Here's what she said:
Dear Shmitten Kitten, 
I gotta tell you, it's a bad, bad question on so many levels. It's a set-up. Learn some better dating skills and ask better questions!

What difference does it make what kind of girls he "normally dates"? It has nothing to do with you and your date with him. Who cares about the others? Don't you want him to think about YOU? Why are you prompting him to think about the other girls and compare them to you??? Leave them out of your dates!

Here's some advice from a happily married woman who happily dated tons of guys before deciding it was time to be with just one:
1. The better the question, the better the answer!

2. On dates I let the guy focus on me, on him, and us, and our time together. I didn't solicit thoughts about other women on our dates. Two people on one date is enough thankyouverymuch. Why would you ask a guy to think about other women when he's on a date with you? 
As an aside, I don't ask every date this question. I usually only broach it when there's been a lull in conversation and I can't think of anything else to ask. However, I have to disagree with you here. I can glean a lot about his response:

1. If he likes me, he will answer without hesitation, "I love tall, busty, smart brunettes." Guess what? I'M A TALL, BUSTY, SMART BRUNETTE! If he says this, I will slide my chair closer to his and will smile both inside and out that I'm someone that he could see himself with. It's awesome because he's let me know that I'm his type, he feels comfortable with me and that I have a shot with him. Well played, fella.

2. He will let me know that I'm not usually the kind of girl he dates. He will answer, "I go for all kinds of girls." He didn't use his answer to reassure me that I'm his type so it tips me off that maybe I should be on guard with him a little. Whatever.

3. He will tell me he likes crazy girls. I KNEW something was off about him, and this answer confirms that I'd be wasting my time if I tried to take it further. Do not pass go, do not collect my $200.

4. He will tell me, "I usually go for short, mousy blondes." Guess what, I'm not a short, mousy blonde! You know this because you read my first point. This guy probably won't be prepared for all the attention we'll get by going out. I'm a tall girl with big boobs; people tend to stare sometimes. Not every guy can hang with that. 

See what I mean? There's a lot of information I get from his answer. I'm not asking for the names and addresses of his last 20 hookups, I'm just trying to get a sense where his head is at. Sheesh. What do you guys think?


pinchefresco said...

Hmmm...I just don't know. If you asked me what my type is, I would probably say short, tiny adorable punk dudes with nice arms. I've been in a relationship now with a 6'1" guy who works in PR, and I've never been more in love.

Of course, he is adorable, and he does have nice arms, but if he'd asked me that question when we were first dating, I would have had to be honest: I really didn't think it would work out, because he wasn't my type.

Anna said...

Hey, I dated a guy who was 6'1 but from the beginning I told him that I usually date guys who were closer to 5'6. We fell in love too. It doesn't mean that it can't ever work out, but it's ok to let someone know what your usual type is.

Maybe it's tougher for me because when I date guys who aren't used to dating taller women, they tend to freak out on me about it as we get more serious. It's weird.

Anna said...

Also, I don't ask this for every single guy I meet, just the ones who I'm a little unsure about. I usually only bring it up when there's a lull in the conversation and I can't think of anything else to ask. It's not like bring this up in the first ten minutes.

jimmy said...

I'm with you on this one Anna. As for the comment maker... how gives a fuck what you think?! You're married. Just cause you sold your sex life down the river doesn't mean the rest of us want to know how to. Go pay attention to your husband and stop commenting on a dating blog...

Allison said...

I am siding with the commenter. I think while it is definitely a question that is on my mind, no answer would really satisfy me. If he describes me with his answer, I am skeptical he is feeding me a line and if he describes someone else, its nice that he is honest, but it makes me wonder about that ideal girl he has just compared me to.

He's on a date with me because he asked me out on a date. So I am his type right now. I think you should have a few interesting questions in your arsenal for those lulls and hopefully - there aren't any.

Anonymous said...

I love the still shot from Sunny. Every time I see one on the site it makes me love SK just a little bit more. (Even thought I didn't think it was possible!)

Anna said...

Awww. Thanks, dude. I'm glad you got a kick out of it.


Anonymous said...

I don't ask, but that's only because I don't give a shit. Which probably speaks volumes about my dating style in itself.

Jaime said...

I'm with you, Anna. I have different reasons for asking, though. See, I date outside of my race a LOT and I want to be sure I'm not with a guy who A: has a black woman fetish (which is WAY different from a preference) or B: is trying to live out some sexual fantasy wherein he has sex with a woman of every race and I'm just part of the collection.
So for me, if the guy says "I don't really have a type" or "I've dated lots of different women," it's a bit of a relief. But, like you, I don't ask this of everyone!

Anonymous said...

I don't ask this question and wouldn't answer directly if someone asked me. I'd answer with personality qualities: funny, nice, shy.

I wouldn't say "I like 'em tall and skinny with dark hair," because frankly the only relationships I've ever been happy with were with short blond guys.

If someone answered with a list of physical qualities, I'd be concerned either way. If he described me, I'd be worried that he only liked me for how I looked. If he described someone else, I'd panic there too. Maybe I'm difficult.

Modern Haredi said...

I think there is nothing more obnoxious than "happily married" people giving advice because they think being married makes them relationship or love experts.

Don't worry about asking your question.

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