Me: "I can't believe he didn't wish me happy birthday last week."
Friend: "Honey, you deserve a guy who'll wish you happy birthday."
Me: "Ugh! The last four texts he sent have a smiley face emoticon in them. No one needs this many virtual smiley faces in their life. No one. Christ, my inbox looks like a goddamn game of Pac-Man or some shit."
Friend: "Oy vey, you deserve better than some schlub who's gonna litter your inbox with smiley faces."
Me: Whiny complaint about something minor.I call bullshit on this whole, "You deserve better" nonsense. It doesn't give me any comfort when someone says this phrase to me. I've never been like, "You're right! I DO deserve better. I'm gonna march over and tell him to hit the road. Problem solved! Now who wants to watch Bridesmaids for the millionth time because it's streaming on HBO Go. The airplane scene's the best, right? It so is."
Friend: Blah blah "you deserve better "blah.
Listen: I'm not the issue here. Some dude's crummy behavior is the issue. By relaying my silly anecdote, I'm asking for sympathy. Just be like, "He's an idiot," because that's the problem I want to highlight. Let's all keep the focus on his jackhole behavior, shall we? Frankly, that part's more fun to talk about anyway.
Because when someone says, "You deserve better," it changes the tone of the conversation. It makes me get introspective. I'll softly say, "I know. I guess you're right," as I stir a bendy plastic straw around my bloody mary and stare off into the distance with a tinge of sadness in my eyes. Nice job, well-meaning friend; you've killed my bloody mary buzz! Good going.
And another thing, this whole "deserve" a better dude thing is so abstract. Yes, some guy out there in this world might posses better qualities, habits and values than the walking/ talking ball sack I'm currently hung up on. I'm sure he's out there windsurfing and making his own granola and sketching hilarious pictures of Pauly D on Draw Something. But, I'm not talking about this hypothetical person who may or may not exist; I'm talking about the guy I do know who's acting like a fuckface. Tell me he's a ding-a-ling, allow me to agree with you enthusiastically and let's enjoy the rest of this fucking brunch, okay?