Bonerkiller: Loud Chewers

From our reader Ruby, who CAN'T STAND chew chumps:

Loud chewers are one of my biggest pet peeves, ever ever ever. Where did he learn this behavior? It's as quiet as outer space when his mom eats. Why didn't she correct him when he was a child? He's 25 now and this should've been nipped in the bud a while ago. Between the lip smacking and finger licking. the acoustics of his mouth are impressive. I can literally hear his body turning solid food into a paste. And, I get to hear what that paste sounds like as he moves it all around his mouth. It's the worst. 

It annoys me so much that I have to pause while I'm eating to see if he's chewing loudly on purpose. For the most part, he is doing it subconsciously. Sometimes he will think he's funny and do it louder to fuck with me. "Ha ha," I'll say out loud. This joke would be way funnier if it wasn't how he actually sounded. I tried gently coaxing him to be quieter, but he either gets defensive or straight-up ignores me. This is the mouth that he uses to kiss me, but watching him eat makes me want to stay far away from it. Ew, dude!

It's been two years. I've stopped leaving hair on the shower walls (because I don't want to clog the drain) and now its time for him to learn to chew quietly, a skill most 5-year-olds have mastered.

Holy shit, Ruby, my little sister says the same thing about me being loud when I eat. But, I'm not a loud chewer! I've never had ANYONE ever comment on my loud eating before, but my sister will get all intense out of nowhere and literally cover her ears while I jam on some matzah ball soup.

Personally, I think she has incredibly sensitive ears. She must be part-dog or something because I'm pretty sure she can hear frequencies undetectable to the human ear. It's like when Teen Wolf heard the dog whistle in the hardware store.

You and my sister should go out to Souper Crackers and see who stabs who first.

Bonerkiller: Loud Chewers

3 Comments

I Love Love Love Guys Who Speak Yiddish

From our reader Whitney, who is meshuggeneh about liking guys that drop Yiddish phrases:

I love love love boys who use Yiddish in conversation. It doesn't matter if he is schvitzing in this heat, complaining about schlepping his laundry, or talking about how his boss got everything all fachadick, it makes my foolish heart skip a beat.

Whether he's a goy or a member of the tribe, slipping those little gems into our conversation belies a sort of wry, anachronistic, twinkle-in-the-eye charm and a cursory cultural awareness that makes me a little weak in the knees.

So keep on keepin' on, boys. You're making this shiksa all verklempt.

I'd settle for a guy that just liked bagels.

I Love Love Love Guys Who Speak Yiddish

0 Comments

Quick Rant: Stop Fucking Up Your Phone, Dude

From our reader Michelle, who doesn't understand why he can't just be a responsible cell phone owner:

I was on Facebook recently and received an "I Lost My Phone, Send Me Your Numbers" message for the bajillionth time. I can't tell you how many guys I've dated who have had their phone lost, stolen, or destroyed while drunk.

My phone is my connection with the world; calls, text, email, and alarm clock are all possible thanks to my cell and without it I'm lonely and miserable. No matter how wasted I get, my phone cannot be pried from my clutches. I've never dropped it in a toilet, jumped into a pool with it in my pocket, or left it in a cab.

So when my former boyfriends give me the aforementioned excuses for not having a phone, I question not just their priorities, but their integrity as human beings because what kind of person can function without a phone? So after I roll my eyes, I spell out my phone number in text and in all CAPS so they know I'm mad. Ruuuuuude.

It's funny that you seem to take it as a personal insult if a guy loses his phone. I picture you making a face like Michelle Tanner, mouthing, "How rude!" when you get his lost phone notification.

I understand getting annoyed if he's always breaking shit like the Hulk, but guys do stupid shit all the time. Afterall, this is the demographic that has paid money to watch Transformers movies in the theater. I'd argue that this is more of a lifestyle issue than a gender issue. I have a few wild child girlfriends who get new phones every season because they're constantly busting 'em up.

As anyone who's hung out with me for two seconds knows, I always keep my phone in my bra on vibrate. It's like incubating a baby chick: I keep it somewhere warm, soft, and safe. I always know where it is so I never miss a call. The only time things get dicey is if I forget it's there at the end of the night so when I whip off my bra, it can take a tumble to the floor. But, my bedroom is carpeted so no problems yet. *fingers crossed*

Quick Rant: Stop Fucking Up Your Phone, Dude

7 Comments

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: Protein Shake Mix On Top Of His Fridge

From our reader Samantha, who is totally fucking grossed out by protein power shake mix on top of his fridge.

I live with a male roommate who's a nice guy but can't get a date. Today I found a bunch of Lean Body dietary supplement powder packets in our kitchen and I recoiled. What drives men to do drink/buy protein shake mix like this? Especially guys who are over 30, have a heavy reader's physique, and don't work out?

Does lifting the shake to his lips produce muscles overnight or make him feel more like a man? I can't stand when I go to a guy's place and see a giant jug of GNC's Man-POWER over his fridge. He really wants to display this so prominently? It's not something to boast about.

Not only should no guy ever be proud of this, but he should also hide it, like in a hole in the backyard.

Oh wow, this has never happened to me. Luckily, I date scrawny squirrels who probably couldn't carry that huge jug without assistance. And, if he was to roll it into his house somehow, he definitely couldn't plunk it on top of his fridge unless he devised an elaborate pulley system. He'd be hunched over the kitchen table with a protractor calculating angles and velocities and it just sounds like a big hassle.

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: Protein Shake Mix On Top Of His Fridge

12 Comments

Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: Mild Body Odor On My Dude

From our reader Colleen, who doesn't mind gettin' a whiff of that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff. (Ew, I just grossed myself out a little bit. THANKS A LOT, RICK JAMES!):

Johnny Depp just LOOKS like BO

I once dated a guy who never had any body odor. Ever. Which is pretty weird, don't you think? It's kind of a like a guy who doesn't cast a shadow; clearly there's something missing from his soul, some element in the person that keeps him from getting BO and maybe also, I don't know, allows them to kill kittens without feeling remorse.

I won't deny it: I love a little bit of stink. I've been known to surreptitiously take a deep breath near my beau's pits, especially on steamy summer days. I love it is because every guy smells a little different. It's like his fingerprint.

Also, smells seem to evoke memories and emotions more than anything else. So picking up his unwashed t-shirt and inhaling his eau de parfum immediately whisks me away to memories of our first dates.

Once, a boyfriend of mine went away for a week but accidentally left a t-shirt he'd worn at my place. Instead of throwing it in the wash like I normally would, I put that puppy on every night for the rest of the week. And I won't lie, the first thing I did was put my nose all over it and take a deep breath. Ahhhhh.

I just googled "smelling an armpit" to find a photo for this. I wouldn't recommend doing that. Learn from my mistakes, people.

It's funny: I've been known to get pissed off if a guy doesn't smell like anything. How can both his body and clothes smell like nothing? Does he wash his clothes in baby tears? Is he a hologram? Are we on the holodeck on the Starship Enterprise? Is Whoopi Goldberg gonna serve me a drink at the Ten-Forward? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: Mild Body Odor On My Dude

8 Comments

I Love Love Love Winkers

From our honegirl, Colleen, who appreciates a good wink. I said WINK, not wank, you dirty birds.

My usual walk down the West Philly streets to work consists of looking as incognito as possible: my face is shielded behind a pair of large sun-specs, I walk as fast as the wind like I have somewhere urgent to be, and I have a face as serious as a funeral. These measures are all in an effort to avoid the embarrassment of being hit on by some of the less savory characters who frequent the sidewalks near my employer. Sorry, there'ss nothing flattering about a gentleman with track marks and crotch stains asking you if you have a boyfriend.

About a week ago, I was doing my intense, laser-like walk down the sidewalk when my eyes briefly landed on a man sitting in a PennDot truck. He winked and flashed me a smile. I continued my trot, but started to feel a smile of my own creep up on my face.

I was just winked at! In a world where women are accosted in sometimes outrageous and rude ways just to get attention by strangers who want God-knows-what, it was a sweet and gentle gesture. With one wink, this guy communicated to me, "Hey, pretty lady! You're lookin' good!" without so much as a word (and more importantly, without skeeving me out.)

So guys, take a moment to reintroduce the wink into your repertoire. If done right, it will get your point across perfectly.

Actually, I'm usually the one that does the winking. It's cute to watch him react; he looks like he just found a five dollar bill on the ground.

I Love Love Love Winkers

3 Comments

I Love Love Love Nicknamers

From our reader Steph(anie), who likes it when a guy takes control and abbreviates her name:

I love it when a guy feels comfortable enough to call me by my nickname. When I introduce myself to a new dude, I usually say some variation of, "Oh, hi! I'm Stephanie. Nice to meet you." But I love it when right away, he feels that he can call me Steph.

We'll enjoy a fun evening out with our mutual friends and before the night's over we'll exchange info. Even after we've known each other for a while, I still sign my emails to him as "-Stephanie." And I love it when he replies, "Hey Steph."

Did I give him permission to call me Steph? No! Only my nearest and dearest friends call me that. But if he's ballsy enough to drop the Steph-bomb, I'll go with it. It lets me know that he's confident and he feels comfortable with me; all good things in my book.

Now, if he starts calling me Stephie, then we'll have a problem.

This happened to me the other week when I met a guy and he started calling me "Anna Banana" right off the bat. I felt closer to him as soon as he said it because that's my nickname with my friends. It piqued my interest, shall we say.

On a side note, "Anna Banana" is also my Garbage Pail Kid name. See?

In an irony of ironies, I hate bananas

I Love Love Love Nicknamers

2 Comments

Reader Submitted Boxerdropper: Plenty of Pleasing Panties

From our reader April, who's underwear drawer is basically Marcellus Wallace's briefcase:

One of my killer girlfriend talents is that I have the best panty collection ever. Sure, for most of my life I had the underpants divide that many women have: the cute stuff vs. the comfortable stuff. But over the last five years or so, I've found that it's fun to keep a large number of ridiculously cute and sexy underpants that I can wear every day.

Sheer buffalo plaid boy shorts? Check! Teeny tiny black cotton thong? Check! Little low-riding satin bikinis? Check.

Not just a variety of colors, prints, and fabrics, but I know my brands and make sure they all fit perfectly. Underpants don't make it into my little drawer unless they fit right and look fantastic.

When I'm someone's girlfriend, sexy time is like opening a present on Christmas morning: What will I have on today? The anticipation is insane! I can see them peeking when I bend over to pick something up, hoping for a clue. I love it!

Wow! You certainly have your underwear bases covered. As a side note, I once dated a guy who couldn't stand the word "panties." He HATED it. He said just hearing the word made his skin crawl. How weird is that? Very weird, right? I used to fuck with him and just say the word randomly and he'd shoot daggers at me with his eyes. If by chance he's reading this post, my dear, this is for you: PANTIES!!! Haha. Deal with it.

Reader Submitted Boxerdropper: Plenty of Pleasing Panties

13 Comments

Bonerkiller: Spitters

From our reader Diane, who cannot stand spitters. At all.

I don't think there is anything more unattractive then a guy who spits. I mean, what the hell are you thinking?!?! Okay, your name is not Buffalo Bill nor are you with your buddies at the local bar aiming at the ol' spittoon; You're on the street, waiting for the light to change or in line for coffee at the deli.

What is it with guys who get this urge to hawk a loogie? When I start to hear that tell-tale snort, not only does it cause me to start breaking out in goosebumps, but I also feel like hop/running away from you so my feet don't get spattered with your nasty excess mouth goo.

At least excuse yourself and do that in the privacy of a bathroom. But right in front of me?! Not cool. I don't care if you just came from the dentist and have an inordinate amount of saliva being produced, or if you have really bad sinuses. There is nothing more horrendous then hearing/seeing a man spit. Extra demerit points when it's on a date (which has occurred).

I hear ya, and I know I'm gonna be in the minority here, but I have to confess that I think it's kinda cool when a guy spits. In fact, I had a crush on a boy in college and the first thing that we did when he came back to my dorm room was have a spitting contest out of the window to see who could land one on a pigeon below. It made my heart happy to watch him try and summon a loogie from deep within his chest. I loved that guy.

I also adore the line in the Fall Out Boy song "Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner" that goes, "Drink down that gin and kerosene/ And come spit on bridges with me" because that is TOTALLY SOMETHING I'D DO! I think it's romantic in some fucked up youthful way, like carving our initials in a tree or exchanging socks so you can wear something of his. It's probably just me, right?

Bonerkiller: Spitters

3 Comments

Quick Rant: Loud Snackers Must Die!

From our reader Clarissa who wants to watch loud snackers die a slow, tortured death (I assume, I didn't ask her or anything):

Have you ever encountered a loud midnight snacker? It's the worst. I had one and he woke me up two nights in a row with his frantic cereal eating. I don't understand. I just don't. At 3am I heard the kitchen cabinet clanging shut, spoons banging, cereal pouring into the bowl, and then my refrigerator door slamming shut. It sounds like children are trying to start a pot and pan band in my kitchen!

How can one man make that much noise while preparing a bowl of cereal for consumption? For the love of god, he is right next to the kitchen so couldn't he at east try to buffer the noise by shutting the door to my bedroom?

On the second night, he actually brought the cereal bowl into MY bed. I don't even do that and I'm in my bed 8-10 hours a night! I couldn't believe how this joker was eating food in my bed. Does he think I want to sleep in crumbs and soy milk? Arrrgghhhh!!!!

He has disrupted my beauty sleep with his midnight snacking as well as brought Raisin Bran into my bed at the ass crack of dawn. It's just gross. I have never heard anyone make some much noise while eating a bowl of cereal. There is a reason the Princess in the Princess and the Pea couldn't sleep: It was because food was in her bed.

You poor thing! This has never happened to me. Instead, I get guys who love to pour themselves a drink with my fancy vodka before we go to bed but then they pass out before they finish their night-cap so then I have to toss it out in the morning. It's not loud or disruptive, it's just annoying. BUT, it happens in/near my bed so I thought you could maybe relate? Maybe? Not really? Forget about it.

Anything gettin' your goat? Tell me at hi@shmittenkitten.com. Let's hear it.

Quick Rant: Loud Snackers Must Die!

1 comments

I Love Love Love Introduction Champs

From our reader Tanya who is very pleased to make your acquaintance:

Wassssssup?

We're out for the evening and we bump into his parents' friend. Or, we're out at a movie and a buddy of his from school is seated in the audience next to us. Or, maybe we're out to brunch and the waiter is his cousin.

I'm just happy he introduced me in the first place, but what makes me glad is the way he did it; no hemming or hawing, no trying to figure out what to call me, no awkward beady-eyed glances in my direction before realizing that I'm biting my lip and waiting to find out who this random connection is.

No, he calmly gestures to me, does a quick, "Do you know so-and-so?" and then proceeds to say my name and give a brief rundown of my accomplishments like a freakin' pro. Did I realize he knew I've done all those things? No! And it makes me like him even more for paying attention to my background and taking pride in sitting here next to me.

I've never thought about this, but it is really cool when a guy takes the time to make a proper introduction. It shows not only good manners but good character, like when he rolls down his window to ask the car next to us if they have any Grey Poupon.

What else do you love that guys do? Email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com and get yer gush on.

I Love Love Love Introduction Champs

1 comments

Bonerkiller: Guys That Wear Tank Tops

From our reader Amber, who says, "No tank you" to tank tops on guys. See what I did there? I turned the word "thank" and into "tank." Did you laugh? Come on! Not even just a little? Sheesh. Tough crowd. *tugs at collar*

This isn't even a post about wearing socks with flip flops!

So it’s Sunday. We slept in. We decide to have brunch with friends. We throw some clothes on, nothing fancy. You put on a white wifebeater. I wait for you to throw a t-shirt on over it, but apparently you have finished assembling your outfit.

Listen dude, you’re cute and all, but no guy is that cute. You’re not exactly the tanned, super muscular man that was modeling that tank top on the package from Target. And even if you were, it would still be embarrassing (your unfinished upper arm tattoos and farmer’s tan aren't helping your case either).

“But it’s comfortable, who cares?" you say. I care. How the hell am I supposed to walk around with the guy wearing the tank top. Your toxic combo of armpit hair and an unnecessary amount of skin showing is going to make a lot of people uncomfortable. There will be families where we’re going for Christ’s sake. No one needs to see that much man-shoulder.

If I wanted to spend the day with Kid Rock or one of the guys from Jersey Shore, I would have said so. I’m embarrassed that this is a normal shirt for you when I’m not around. For now, can you just put on something with sleeves so we can get on with our day.

Honestly, this has never happened to me, but I can understand where you're coming from. I have the opposite problem: I usually roll with guys who insist on wearing a shirt when they go to bed. Instead of catching Zs, we're bickering about him decked out in an old shirt he got at Warped Tour in 2003. FUCK THAT NOISE! Pop that shit off, homie.

We should get together and write a song about dudes in shirts. We'll call it "Shirt Shit."

Bonerkiller: Guys That Wear Tank Tops

6 Comments

Things I'm Terrible At: Turning Down My Bud Light Dude

From our reader, Tara, who really hates Bud Light. And crummy guys. But not necessarily guys that drink Bud Light. Interesting.

Now THIS was a true party animal

Here are my thoughts about Bud Light: I hate it. It tastes watery and unappealing. I have one bottle once a year when I go to like, a friend's sister's barbecue and it's all normals; the men mill around and gab about sports and the girls mill around and compare engagement rings.

That is when I'll have my annual Bud Light and that is when I'll take one sip, abandon it on a random picnic table and walk away because it tastes like shit.

THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS DUDE. We hook up once a year and it's NEVER GOOD. He gets too drunk and falls asleep every time! I don't know why I keep coming back for more, much less agreeing to it. Is it out of boredom? Familiarity? The hope that maybe this will be the year that he learns how to make out like a pro? I don't know; maybe he bought a book on it? WHO KNOWS?

It's like why I keep watching Entourage: I wonder if it's gonna get better. But it hasn't. And, it won't because Vince is a bore, E is a high-strung munchkin and Turtle is a pussy.

 I don't have anything to add, but I appreciate the opportunity to run a pic of Spuds MacKenzie (RIP).

Things I'm Terrible At: Turning Down My Bud Light Dude

2 Comments

Quick Rant: Please Don't Interrupt My Conversation

From our reader, Heather, who doesn't like to be interr--what's that over there?

Guys, this is Harry Potter's butt

So I'm sitting at a bar, having a beer and a heart-to-heart with my best girlfriend. I've noticed you, because you've been sitting directly behind my friend and staring at me conspicuously for the past thirty minutes. I've politely disregarded your passive-aggressive advances by refusing to maintain eye contact with you for more than a second, making it quite obvious that I am more interested in talking to my friend than flirting with you.

Therefore, I am not going to respond warmly when you suddenly interrupt my friend in the middle of her sentence with some stupid line like, "So, are you students?" and "What are you guys studying?"

If you had been studying--my body language, that is--or listening while you were staring at me like a sad, hungry puppy, you would have noticed that my friend and I were engaged in a meaningful and personal conversation. You may have also noticed that it mostly involved the subject of our current boyfriends, and how much we adore them.

In that case, we probably wouldn't have been interested in talking to you anyway. But, if you've learned anything from your mother, or your third-grade teacher, or even the friends that you came here with, it's just plain rude and inappropriate to butt into a conversation, unless you're planning on offering us another round of drinks, or dying to tell us how incredibly beautiful we are before you leave and go somewhere else. If you're not doing either of those things, then please, butt out.

This happens to me ALL THE TIME! I've learned to just say, "Excuse me, but I came here to talk with my friend. I'm not interested in talking with you. Sorry." Guys get SO FREAKED OUT when I call them out on it, but what can I say? I'm direct. It's funny to watch his face register that he's just been publicly shot down. Them's the breaks, buddy.

You can't see me, but I'm blowing at the tops of my fingertips like they're freshly fired guns. Now, I just pretended to put them in an imaginary holster at my hips. Now, I just winked. Now, I just said, "Mess with the best, die like the rest." Not out loud; in my head. I'm basically an imaginary cowboy that quotes Hackers. That sums it up.

Quick Rant: Please Don't Interrupt My Conversation

12 Comments

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Gotta Use The Little Boys' Room"

From our reader, Liz, who gets a full body shudder when dudes say this to her:

It's a building that turns into a robot!

What is it with guys who use the phrase “little boys’ room” when referring the bathroom? Really? Are you going to play with LEGOs in there? Will you be having watergun fights and/or a Matchbox car race? Do you still wear Underoos, too?

Imagine if instead of politely excusing ourselves from the table saying that we “need to go freshen up,” we dropped them a little gem like, “Be back in a few. I've got to go take a poo poo. Don’t hold the appetizers; I’m gonna be gone a vewwy long time! Tee-hee.”

So, fellas, unless you have, ahem, little boy parts to go along with your little boy talk, please save the kiddie-speak for your Nana, who still thinks of you as her precious five-year-old. 

I can see why this would get on your nerves, but honestly, I think it's kinda cute when he says "little boys' room," But, I also think that spending my tax return money on comic books and candy is a reasonable thing to do so WHAT DO I KNOW?  

What do y'all think? Does this phrase make you cringe or not? Tell us in the comments.

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Gotta Use The Little Boys' Room"

9 Comments

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: Guys Who Won't Make The First Move

Here's a funny reader submission we received from Nila about guys who won't make like Nike and just do it:

C'mon fatso and just bust a move

It's the end of the date, and even though we had terrific, sexy banter, we haven't touched all night. He tells me that he had a really great time and he wants to see me again. And then he leans in... and hugs me. And it's Date #2.

Don't get me wrong: I'm a feminist and I believe in women taking control of their dating lives. But at a certain point, I want to be grabbed and kissed. I want him to reach for my hand, or put his arm around me, or even just lower his head to whisper something in my ear; something to make me feel like he's interested in taking it further. 

When he just sits there and I have to initiate everything, I get insecure. I hate that. Or I start to wonder whether we're on a date at all. I guess we are because he paid for my food and drinks. That means something, right? Whatever. Either way, I've lost interest. FYI guys, I'm not here to make friends. Smooch or get off the pot!

I get downright angry if a guy doesn't make a move. I once went out for dinner with a guy then we parted ways at the subway--I was going uptown and he was heading downtown--and after he gave me a friendly hug, I felt a full-on hissy fit coming on. As I paced around the platform, I made a lot of frustrated gestures. I think I even mouthed the words "what the fuck," as I mocked pulling my hair out.

Long story short, he called me an hour later to make sure I got home okay then asked why I was flipping out when I was waiting for the train. I totally forgot that he was across the tracks; he had witnessed my entire freakout! I mumbled something about how I had a tough day at work then just felt like one huge, "Yikes!" caption.

The point: Don't flip out within his field of vision. Wait 'til you get home.

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: Guys Who Won't Make The First Move

9 Comments

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: Sneaker Pimps

From our reader Danielle, who thinks this whole trend of dudes wearing sneakers with their suit needs to get the boot.

Peeeee-EW!

What is the deal with dudes who wear sneakers to work? Like, sneakers with their suit? When they get to the office are they changing into a pair of pumps or heels? Is is really that much more uncomfortable to walk to work in your nice work shoes than a grimy pair of tennis shoes from 1983?

And now that you are toting around an extra pair of shoes like my 57-year-old secretary does, you need somewhere to keep them. So, you're rocking tennis shoes AND a manbag on the way to the office. NOT COOL! I am a 27-year-old woman in a corporate job and I would die before I got caught walking to work in my nice black suit with tube socks and sneakers! It's freakin' pathetic.

All I could think about when I read this was that it seems like something David Arquette would do; it's goofy, like a knock-knock joke or the hand-buzzer gag. THE ONLY TIME this look would be acceptable is if you're Robert Downey Jr. and you're going to an awards show. Otherwise, you just look like a douche.

What gets your goat? Email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com and vent.

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: Sneaker Pimps

8 Comments

Reader Submitted Quick Rant: Text Me And I'll Text Ya Back

From our reader, Lizzie, who could commiserate with our other reader submission earlier in the week, except in this case, the guy who takes forever to respond to her texts is someone she's already hung out with IRL. 

I am unsure of the appropriate word for the situation I was in with this guy, but basically for three months we had a strictly hook up situation going on. It was very casual; we would hang out maybe twice a week, most likely drink, and--ahem--hit it. I was fine with this situation; it was ideal for the lifestyle I was into at the time. What I was not into was his annoying habit of not responding to texts in a timely manner. This is an example of how the majority of our text conversations would go:

"Hey, how has your week been?" he says.
"Pretty good. Yours?"
About an hour later, I finally hear back: "Busy as hell. Doing anything fun this weekend?"
"Party on Saturday night but I'm free Friday"
Then, it would be another excruciating couple of hours spent checking and rechecking my phone before he tells me that he'll have friends in town Friday and could we hang out tonight instead.

Seriously, dudes? I know FOR A FACT that you carry your phones on you at all times. And this guy had a job with very little supervision. How hard is it to tell me this information in the span of five minutes?

This dude would drag the conversation out over the course of my already stressful workday and make me feel like a crazy person when he was the one that texted ME, not the other way around. This is a mutual booty call situation, we both know how this conversation is going to end, why pussyfoot around it for six hours?!

Anyway, when I started seeing the guy I'm now happily in a relationship with (and who texts back in a reasonable amount of time), I gave this dude his comeuppance: I dragged out the reason why we couldn't hang out IN THAT WAY anymore via text for about four hours. Serves him right.

I don't have anything to add, but did any of you get the reference in the title? It was supposed to be a riff on the Digital Underground song "Kiss You Back." Anyone? Anyone? Aww, fuck it.

Reader Submitted Quick Rant: Text Me And I'll Text Ya Back

5 Comments

Reader Submitted Quick Rant: Answer Your Damn Phone, Woman!

From our reader Jai, who is fed up with girls using our phones like total dickheads (those are my words, not his):

I appreciate new technology as much as the next guy, but for heaven's sake, answer your phone! We’ve been texting back and forth constantly to occupy our boring work days. A few weeks go on and we continually make plans via text to see each other in a non-digital /more than 160 characters realm.

So the day comes for our hangout, a weekend afternoon; perfect. You think that'd be simple enough? Oh, we haven't even gotten started. Buckle up because figuring out what you want to do is going to be a drawn out into a three hour conversation. That's a minimum! Here is the way the conversation goes:

“What would you want to do?”

“How about the park, it’s a beautiful day. We can people watch.”

“Nah, I’m not in the mood to sit around and stare at people.”

“Okay, how about getting some dinner and drinks?”

“After last night, alcohol is not friendly.”

“What did you have in mind for the afternoon?”

“I don’t know, something fun with you.”

That's the jist. At this point, I’ve had enough. This more than two hour texversation is bringing me to wit's end. So after your last message, I decided to call you. Guess what, you don’t answer and it goes to voicemail. I left a message. Three minutes later, you wrote me a text answering my voicemail. FINE! I'll continue to help your crackberry addiction.

I know there are situations where you may have been busy for those three minutes I tried to call. But we both know you weren’t. I have tried this calling feature on my phone with you a few times and it always seems to fail. Hmmm. Maybe you’re hoarding your free minutes for that phone call to American Idol. Oh, you can do that with text too!

Is it really that hard to call and have a five minute conversation to make a plan so I can SEE YOU, like you wanted? Why must we constantly go through this dance? I don’t want to be in the corner texting away. Don’t put me in that corner!

I'm happy to report that this is something that I never do. In fact, I'd always prefer a phone call to make plans over text unless I know the person really well. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. Actually, I'm so old fashioned, that I'd prefer the ol' carrier pigeon to texting. I mean, can a cell phone wear a little helmet and goggles? I didn't think so.

Reader Submitted Quick Rant: Answer Your Damn Phone, Woman!

5 Comments

Reader Submitted: I Love Love Love Nerds Who Use Power Tools

From our lovely reader Liz:

I'd take the guy with basement full of obscure RPGs over the guy in steel-toed work boots any day, but when my nerd whips out a power drill and expertly hangs a shelf, it drives me wild.

Of course I'm perfectly capable of doing these things myself, but why on Earth would I even touch a power tool when the sight of him with a mechanical pencil and a dry wall anchor is enough make me go all train conductor and shout “All aboard!” in his general direction?

Seriously. I am this close to buying him a basement full of power tools. I love that he's a nerdy and completely adorable combination of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a teenage Anthony Michael Hall. And, when he talks about all the things he can do with a Dremel, he's a fucking handyman hero, like if Han Solo and Norm Abram could somehow spawn. Hold me; I think I'm going to faint.

Somebody get this girl a cold shower! What makes your heart go thump thump thump? Let us know at hi@shmittenkitten.com.

Reader Submitted: I Love Love Love Nerds Who Use Power Tools

2 Comments