April 30, 2013

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Shitty Blank Walls

From Liz, who realllly can't stand his shitty blank walls:
There’s nothing quite like the first time you go to a guy’s place. Is he clean like the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy? Is he messy like your nightmare freshman roommate? What kind of amenities does he keep around? It doesn’t have to look like an Ikea showroom, but it’s nice to see some personality in a person’s living space. Which is why I hate when he has blank walls. 
Oof. That's a LOT of blank space, fella
Nothing makes me feel like a guy could maybe possibly be a serial killer more than when I go to his house and all the eye can see is just white, blank wall. If there’s an errant Phillies poster or two, okay, fine. He just doesn’t know how to decorate a non-college dorm, which is not attractive but at least he feels some compulsion to not leave his walls completely empty. Hell, I’d be okay with a life-size mural of Marilyn Monroe doing a keg stand in a party full of dogs playing poker if that meant that he didn’t have blank walls. 
If there’s just nothing at all, I’m really quite worried that I’m about to be stabbed in the throat and stuffed in a box. And guess what! Easy cleanup because he has NO POSSESSIONS TO SPLATTER MY BLOOD ON. 
It actually upsets me if he doesn’t feel the need to put anything up on his walls. Is he Monk? Does he have a thing about super clean spaces? If his landlord has something against nails, just go to CVS and get some sticky poster tabs! This is a simple fix! The upside to his blank walls is that without decorative distraction, his exits are completely visible. And I just remembered that I have to leave...right now. 


Anonymous said...

what about nothing on the walls, but a few picture frames with actual pictures of him and his friends?

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