July 8, 2009

Bonerkiller: Philly Sports Phanatic

Remember when the Phillies won the World Series? Of course you do! It will likely go down as one of the most thrilling moments in the lives of all Philadelphians. But there comes a point when you have to realize that a dream has been fulfilled and life goes back to normal. It's okay to move on, well at least until the next season (and this season is great, btdubs).

I was at Bishops Collar the other weekend and they had a rerun of Game 5 on the television. It was fun to watch and everyone cheered at their favorite moments. It was almost like watching your favorite movie for the trillionth time. Except for one group of guys. They were SOOOO into it that you would have thought they had lived under a rock for the past year and were watching the game for the first time. I mean, they were pounding their beer on the tables and kicking stuff and screaming expletives at one moment, and then going rip-roaring crazy with excitement at the next. Um, you do know the outcome, right guys? Spoiler alert: THEY WIN.

After getting an entire beer doused on me from these dudes' frantic celebration at the final pitch--complete with chest bumps and fist pumps and jumping and howling like rabid wolves--I realized that no matter how much I love the Phils, I would never want to date a die-hard fan because that takes some serious guts. And I'm not just talking about stomaching warm beers and dollar hot dogs on your "dates."

When quality time is equated with tailgating by the romantic warmth of a collapsible bbq grill and his idea of a great birthday present for you is a Chase Utley bobble head, it's time to call it quits. This is the type of guy that knows all the RBI stats since 1980, but can never remember your birthday (or your anniversary if you last long enough to have one.) He can also rattle off rosters from the past three decades, but can't remember your sister's name. Becky? Beth? Beatrice?

Oh, and your sex life? It only exists after the game...if they win...only after celebrating the win...only after he sobers up from celebrating the win. If they lose, forget about it. Besides, it's kind of hard to put the moves on a grown man who is pouting about a sports team's loss.

Don't get me wrong: I looove the Phillies. But love and batshit crazy obsession are entirely different things. On the plus side, these dudes are really easy to shop for (tickets/jerseys=love.) They have excellent commitment skills, even through the tough times and dry spells. One thing's for sure though: stick with this dude and there's a 99% chance you'll get proposed to on the Jumbotron at the ballpark. Here he is, drawn in all of his glory:

11 comments:

Jackie said...

Pass these boys right along to me. I'll be waiting with open arms! Oh and do you know if the Philly Phanatic is single? ;)

Juls215 said...

I have dated a hardcore fan and believe me, if you give him a good enough reason, he will turn off a playoff game and get to business.

Katie Dirkx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katie D. said...

I agree.
I don't know how you'll feel about my comparison but this reminded me of sex and the city. Samantha dates a hardcore fan and she only gets laid when his teams win.

Lora said...

perhaps i have not given enough details about this breed of boy. 1.) this guy has actually ripped a ball out of an 8 yr old child's hand and refused to give it back, then yelled at him for crying while he was trying to watch the game 2.) he has been fired from TWO jobs for streaming games 3.) he lied to get out of going to a funeral and instead attended a game (although it was only a second-cousin's). For me, being a Phillies fan is a requirement, but there is a point where it goes to far. Maybe I just find the shittiest fans?

miss bee said...

any guy over the age of 12 really shouldn't be bringing a glove to the game in an attempt to catch a ball.

that's just weaksauce.

Jilly B said...

I agree with Jackie.. pass these boys along to me!! Having dated a Dallas fan for a long time, I need all the Philly love I can get!

Danielle said...

What I have yet to see is a hardcore Phillies "fanatic" that is attractive??... and no offense, but if I have to work insanely hard (on a regular basis) to get my bf's attention for some QT then the relationship is doomed to fail. You might as well head out to that music hot spot and make goo-goo eyes at the musicians!

Katherine said...

I love baseball. I do. I enjoy going to games and going nuts when they win and dancing to the Blue Bros. Victory Song afterward. I enjoy watching the games while reading a book and looking up when Shane hits a double or Chase....well, any time Chase is on the screen, I'm happy.

So I figured, when I met my boyfriend, who is a huge baseball fan, that we would work perfectly. That we would enjoy a little inside baseball and watching games and listening to Harry (RIP).

Now, three and a half years later, I am beginning to hate baseball. We got engaged a few months ago and I even recommended having the reception AT the baseball game. It would have been great. Any guy's dream, right? Well, Mr. Fiance doesn't want to have the reception at the stadium, even the wedding during baseball season because the Phils may lose. And that's all he'll remember about the day.....

Is that the last straw? Do I need to enforce a baseball-less life? I don't know, but I don't get the crazy Phils fan...and I'm marrying one.

Tender Branson said...

I've been a Phillies fan since birth...reading some of these replies (and the post itself) I realize that I pale in comparison to others. Oh well, my love life keeps rolling during baseball season. Guess that's the trade off. Good luck to everyone that is dating the hardcore fan.

Eleanore said...

he also called a different 8 year old a "fucking stupid son of a bitch" for wearing the wrong jersey and there is pee on his unfastened pants because he rushed his bathroom break to get back to the game.

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