August 25, 2009

Bonerkiller: You Dress Like A 1997 Music Convention Attendee

Ok, this one might be a little esoteric, but if you've ever attended a music convention--CMJ, SXSW, etc-- then you know what I'm talking about. This guy looks like a cross between the singer of Smash Mouth and the singer of the Counting Crows. If he was in a band, it'd be called the Crow Mouths.

You will find the following on him:
  • A heavy shoulder bag full of assorted crap. The straps are extended so it hangs down by his knees. It looks saggy and onerous, which would be the same words I'd use to describe dating him.
  • A button down shirt flapping over his huge beer belly.
  • Cargo shorts with a ton of crap jammed in his pockets. Who needs this much storage? All that's in there are fast food receipts and gum wrappers.
  • A wallet chain.
  • Stupid tattoos on his calves. Like, a Luke Skywalker portrait or a panther scratching into his skin.
  • The biggest offender? White ankle socks and Converse one star sneakers with fat white shoelaces. BARF!
These guys are generally harmless and pretty nice people. They do not deserve all this vitriol I'm spewing. But, this look does not do it for me. When I see those Converse one stars pointing in my direction, I want to scoot into another zip code.

And, I hate it when they attempt to hit on me because they have zero game and get really nervous and sweaty. I can tell that they have huge CD collections. I picture their houses and all I see are shag carpets, Twinkie wrappers and CD towers and it makes me do a body shudder. Uh, no thanks.


Unknown said...

Oh the 90s...

Smeared_Black_Ink said...


Anna said...

THIS is the only acceptable Converse sneaker. Well, besides black Chuck Taylors.

Anonymous said...

A former friend of mine rocks the very same one stars as pictured and ankle socks PAINSTAKINGLY pulled as high as the cotton allows him to. It is nothing short of awful. He wants to be a rockstar. He's like the Disco Stu of our generation.

Post a Comment