We are very pleased to offer you the position of our next slumpbuster. After considering many qualified applicants--an angry mid-level manager, a flaky artist, and a socially inept tech guru--we felt that you would be the best fit for ending our uncomfortable dry spell.
We were impressed with how uncomplicated you are. You've held the same job for 12 years, you've had the same best friends since high school, and you've hung out at the same bars since you were 21. You're predictable! You will be easy to avoid should this arrangement turn unfavorable to either party.
Your shady criminal history makes you the perfect candidate for a position like this. We think you mentioned something about a DUI four years ago in your interview? Oh well. But, it was the way you paid for cab rides, bought us beers, and sweetly held our hand that really cinched the deal. Good work.
Of course the position is unpaid, but we will be happy to provide a reference for your future endeavors. We pride ourselves on our confidentiality and can assure you that we will never tell our parents or co-workers about this arrangement.
Thanks and we look forward to doing whatever-the-hell-this-is until we meet someone we can tell our loved ones about!