October 10, 2009

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You"

Me: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Him, laughing: "Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Me, groaning: "No, really. What do you do?"
Him, fake exasperated: "I just said! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Then, he took a swig from his beer and shrugged his shoulders, like he's saying, "Hey, it's outta my hands, lady."
I waited a full ten seconds to be dramatic. "Seriously. What is your job? What do you do all day? How do you pay your rent? Are you a can collector? Do you sell your blood? Do you sell vacuums door-to-door? What's with the secrecy? Just tell me!"
Him, not laughing, determined to stick to his line: "I already told you! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
My face looks like he just told me that he's only had "a handful" DUIs or that he is really into the Furry scene. Fuck this fuckin' guy and goddamn I'd like to stab this stupid phrase in the face.

Well, I asked around. It turns out that he works for the state government assessing whether businesses adhere to their discrimination policies. That's it? No mafia connections? No spy work? Just a regular joe with a desk job? All this hubbub for that? Oy vey.

5 comments:

Julia said...

what a dork in the worst way you could possibly mean dork.

Anna said...

Oh, he was the WORST!

polianarchy said...

No, this is perfect! It's an instant bullshit detector. You know as soon as you hear it that you're wasting your time on the guy. Next!

Michelle said...

I hate it when guys ask what I do. I'm a scientist adn I have a PhD, so when I explain that I always get "Oh, you must be smart."

I'm pretty sure they don't mean this as a compliment. Or at least it's an underhanded one. There is no good response to that statement. Can't really say "why yes, I am, as a matter of fact, I'm probably smarter than you." Also can't say "no i'm not." But usually end up feeling like I have to apologize with "Yeah, but I only know a lot about one really obscure thing."
That's lame.

Anonymous said...

he heard that girls like guys who are mysterious so he thinks hes bein supa coo but nah dog it aint coo

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