February 10, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: The Cracked, Hardened Bar of Soap In His Shower

Let's put it like this: if I was on the subway and this soap sat down next to me, I'd get up and move to another subway car. What the hell are you doing to it? It's hardened and cracked, like Charles Bukowski's nose. This soap is basically a country song in soap-form; it probably has a drinking problem and hasn't talked to its kids in years. Oh man. It has more streaks in it than the quad on campus during homecoming week.

First of all, lathering is out of the question. It's like running into your ex with his new flame; it will be uncomfortable for all parties involved. And, it's totally unbreakable, like an everlasting gobstopper. It's probably mutated into a higher life form by now. It even might be half-robot. Who knows?

I hate this bar of soap. I refuse to use it. Just put it out of its misery (i.e. throw it out.) Splurge for a bottle of body wash. That's what all the kids use these days. Cracked, hardened bar of soap, you're the child actor of the soap family that's grown up to have a meth habit, tried to rob a bank and had a tell-all exclusive story appear in People. You are old news! You must be shunned! And, that just makes me sad.

6 comments:

Joyce said...

Throw it out. I hate when it has hair stuck in there...

LMAO

D.J. Allie Slice said...

You can have my bar soap when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. I'm sorry, but I never feel clean when I use body wash and one of those goofy loofahs.

I'm old-school like that.

Anna said...

Bar soap is cool if it's fresh! I am partial to dove sensitive skin. BUT, if it's old and cracked and terrible, GTFO.

roboconcept said...

please, body wash says to me, "I have succumbed to the advertising foils of the 21st century". That stuff doesn't even get you clean. Perhaps on your humid coast bar soap lasts longer, but out here in Arizona I challenge you to leave it in your shower unused for more than a day and see if it doesn't turn into charles bronson's face.

Related question: is there a female 'Axe' equivalent? Some cosmetic or bath product I can see or smell and immediately known the user is a complete toolbox?

Anna said...

When i'm in a dude's shower, I always use the body wash because THERE ARE NO STRAY CURLY HAIRS IN OR AROUND THE BOTTLE. It's a relatively safe bet.

I would venture that most female toolboxes use shitty shampoo like Herbal Essences or Pantene. Yuck.

Jeanette said...

If the soap looks like that you have to think about what he's NOT doing...using it :(

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