February 23, 2010

Things That Make Me A Bad Boyfriend: I Will Move To Portland After We Break Up

This has happened to me more times than I'd care to admit: Shortly after breaking up, my exes tend to move to Portland, OR aka the farthest possible corner of the United States (excluding remote Alaska or Hawaii). C'mon, was I seriously THAT bad?

So I've decided to turn the tables. After we break up, I'm going to move to Portland.

Yep, that's right. A few weeks after our teary-eyed breakup, I'll be packing my bags, renting a truck, and moving out to Portland to become a copywriter or a graphic designer. Or maybe a green architect. I'll probably end up waiting tables for six months to a year, but whatever.

And you're going to HATE it. I'll make sure of it.

I'll kick things off by posting Facebook photos of my EPIC cross-country roadtrip. They'll be of me in front of the Grand Canyon, standing under the Las Vegas sign, eating at In 'n' Out Burger. While you're sitting in your boring apartment working your boring dayjob, I'll be twisting the knife in by having mind-blowingly fun roadtrip adventures.

Once I arrive in Portland to my modest apartment that I'll share with "some guys I knew back in college," I'll proceed to send you e-mails documenting the following highlights:
- I'll tell you about the amazing locally-grown organic free range coffee shop I found right around the corner from my new place. In your imagination, the lattes there will be 1,000 times better than any latte you've ever tasted.

- I'll tell you about all the great indie record stores that I've discovered, where I just so happened to find an original pressing of your favorite record. Not to mention, I totally bumped into the banjo player from Fleet Foxes there too! Great dude; we totally hit it off.

- Then I'll post photos from a really amazing kayaking trip I took with some granola-loving backpacking kids I met at work. Every single picture will look like it came from a coffee table book titled, "The Most Beautiful Natural Setting You've Ever Seen."
Lastly, I'll tell you about how I started playing cello in an instrumental space-rock project. We started playing shows at the Food Not Bombs collective house and the dude I met from Fleet Foxes totally joined the band too! Now, we're opening for Fleet Foxes on a few West Coast dates.

Basically, with each e-mail, I'll make you despise me more for all the fun I'm having while you're trapped in your boring, uneventful East Coast life. By the time you move on, find someone new, dump him and move out to Portland yourself, I'll be long gone. You see, there will be a new hipster mecca by then. And, it's so obscure you probably haven't even heard of it yet.

12 comments:

Blue Light J said...

Good plan. Living well IS the best revenge.

lucinda said...

hilarious - my exes tend to move to asia, what's that sayin? :)

pattypunker said...

omg, this is such a THING. you've documented it beautifully! the fleet fox friend would kill me.

rubpawpress said...

Portland = no jobs
Sorry bro

Jilly B said...

All of my exs move to San Fran. The same annoying pictures are posted, but I totally love not having to run into them in the bar.

Fuck My Dating Life said...

Sounds fantastic, I want to come along. My exes unfortunately never leave the state and I run into them everywhere with their new girlfriend's (though most of them "aren't ready for a relationship" - bah!)

Sean said...

found you via Liz, and You nailed it. Though having moved to Portland a year ago, you'll find out (if you actually do come out) that it really isn't that cool. And as rubpawpress said, there really are no jobs. And the hipsters' pretention is beyond annoying to the point furiously irratating. But, it is cheap, and the weather is way better than advertised, come on out, you can have my apartment, I'm moving to LA (how cliche)

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who'd be like "Awesome! Don't come back!"? I love when I never have to worry about running into a dude I dated at the bar or a show or the supermarket or whatever. It's like I've got Philadelphia all to myself!

Spaceboy said...

I am moving to Portland,Tennessee with you. I swear.

bianca said...

i want to be in portland noooowwwww

Anonymous said...

hahahaha! My sister just kind of did all of this (minus the cool Fleet Foxes thing), only she moved to Portland to BE with her significant other.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend moved to Seattle and did this. I followed him, because it sounded cool.

I fucking hated it and moved home, and post information about the amazingly low cost of living in the Midwest, my huge house, the dog I got, the yard I have, the car I can now afford, how it's not raining...

Post a Comment