March 22, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Wear Square-Toed, Shiny, Black Shoes

Not to be dramatic, but seeing these shoes on my date is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. I'd rather he wear L.A. Gear high tops. I'd rather he wear snowshoes made out of cat guts. I'D RATHER HE WEAR THE SKIN OF ANOTHER HUMAN'S FEET than wear these offensive, ugly shoes.

Once I see them on his feet, I am unable to sustain eye contact. I shield my eyes from the horror. I hold back tears. But, he's totally oblivious to my discomfort. In fact, he thinks these shoes are cool and tap dances around as if he's Gregory Hines or some shit.

It is an assault on both my vision AND my hearing; not only do I get to see his square-toed, shiny black shoes, but I get to hear them click-clacking towards me, like a show pony or a bitchy librarian. Oh god, those little heels! It's horrific. I get PTSD just from being within a twenty foot radius of them. I'm rocking back and forth in the corner mumbling like Rainman.

The worst is when we go out dancing and he's slip sliding around the dance floor like Prince--that is if Prince had sizable student loan debt and an affinity for cheap beer. He's shaking those shoes around like they're the bees knees and I'm excusing myself to go order another High Life at the bar and flirt with the cute guy in the Vans.


thinman said...

Funny post. So suppose I have a black or dark blue suit I have to wear to a funeral or a wedding. What the hell am I supposed to wear on my feet?

Anna said...

I am not an expert on this, but in this situation, black shoes seem appropriate. I just can't stand black shiny shoes when paired with designer denim and a floppy, button down shirt. Maybe I should've specified in the post!

Anonymous said...

This is my roommate. Right down to his very core.
He is the worst.

Anonymous said...

hahahaha! Men's shouldn't wear shoes that sound like women's high-heels. All the men I know who wear this shiny shoes are arrogant ass holes...hmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

Take it up with the mens-shoe-industrial-complex. I can't tell you how difficult it is to find a happy medium between the square toed frankenstein shoe and the pointy-ass wingtips that could pierce an elephant's ass. The classic brogue is about all we're left with.

nora said...

this resonates with me deep in my soul.

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