April 19, 2010

Real Talk: Your Keys Are Stupid

I don't know why you need so many keys. From what I can gather, you don't even do that much. You have a normal day job and live in an apartment; there's no need for it. 

Are you a prison warden? A janitor? It's not like you're working the morning shift at Disney World and you are personally responsible for turning on all the rides. I have no idea why you need roughly a million keys on your person at all times.

When I confronted you about it, you tried to explain them away by saying, "Well, this one is for my truck. This one is, um, for my parents' garage. This one right here is for my practice space I think. Yeah, I probably could get rid of a few. Whatever."

You swing 'em around like an impractical weapon then you plop them down on the table like a bible. It's weird. You're a key hoarder. Thin your key herd!

The one good thing about your key situation is that I can hear you walking up behind me, like a cowbell. At least invest in a funny keychain or something. Give 'em some personality. Then, they'd be funny and rotund, like Zack Galifinakis. Right now, they're just rotund and menacing like Dick Cheney. Fix it.


dani said...

im that person, but add on like 20 different store shopper cards! petco, petsmart, grocery store, cvs...i know im bad!

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