October 25, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Scream At Their Dog To Get The Hell Off The Couch

I was on the best first date of my life. That was until his dog jumped up on the couch when we got back to his place, nearly knocking the glass of Cab Sav out of my hand with his unchecked exuberance. His paws clawed at my sweater and his drool left shiny streaks on my black jeans.

That's when I met my guy's inner Hulk: "BISCUIT! WHAT DID I TELL YOU? GET THE HELL OFF THE COUCH! GET DOWN, NOW! BAD BOY!" As he yanked at the dog's collar, I cowered between the cushions. Who is this man? He's a million miles away from the adorable guy who shared dessert with me an hour ago.

"Sorry 'bout that. He knows he's not supposed to jump on the couch." As the words left his mouth, the dog whipped his thick tail, almost knocking my dude's wine glass out of his hand too.

"THAT'S IT! BISCUIT, GO TO YOUR CAGE. NOW! GO ON, GET!" He stomped over to his cage, locked the mutt in, then resumed his place on the couch, his veins still bulging on his neck.

"Whew! Where were we. I think you were talking about the time you went to Italy? Please, continue." He acted like nothing happened, like screaming at an animal is as normal as blowing his nose.

I didn't want to continue shit. This Jekyl/Hyde screamer/wine sipper thing was too much for me to handle. Sorry, but I shouldn't hear a guy scream angrily on a first date: It's a little rule I have. I was straight-up rattled by his outburst. After that, no amount of Sigur Ros could've calmed the vibe down because it was totally ruined. Dog screamers, at least wait until I've left the room to punish your pet! 


Anonymous said...

A pet can be chided without being screamed at. Put your glass down, calmly pull your pooch off of the couch and put him in another room and apologize to your date. It's that easy.

Yup, total bonerkiller.

Eric E. said...

A date's response to a bad dog can break the other way, too (of course). Once, in the middle of a long afternoon of hanging out at a girl's apartment, her male German Boxer, just a puppy at the time, walked into the middle of the room and started peeing like a race horse. As a huge puddle formed around him, he stared at us, as though to say "Look at what you've made me do!" She calmly waited for him to finish, cleaned up the mess, and then led us all outside for a pleasant walk around the neighborhood. I realized he wasn't her first puppy, but I still found her calm management of an otherwise odd situation to be a very attractive quality.

Brooke said...

THIS. I hate when people scream at their pets for inane reasons. Yelling and screaming stresses me out. Boner killer indeed. It's best to find out on the first date, honestly. Just like you can tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mother, the way a man treats his pet reflects his future parenting skills.

Amanda said...

Screaming at the dog is a total dealbreaker. Really, screaming in anger at anything on a first date is pretty much a dealbreaker.

Anonymous said...

you have to hide your anger problem for like the 5th or 6th date!

Mike said...

Clearly none of you have ever trained a dog before.

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