Dude. Duuuuuuude. Your behavior was not cool. Not cool AT ALL. Do you have a PhD in fucking up vibes or something? Did you not see the body language going on between us? Both his hips AND his shoulders were aligned with mine. In body language terms, we were practically on our third date and talking about what we'd wanna name our kids half-jokingly. BUT YOU HAD TO RUIN IT, YOU MASSIVE FUCKHEAD.
He had just laughed at one of my jokes and asked me what I did for a living but I didn't even get to answer him because you, Mr. Asshat, swooped in, put your arm around his shoulder and whispered
something in his ear.
I stood there holding my drink politely for twelve seconds but you didn't just pat my guy on the back and walk away, Senor Testes Satchel. No, you stayed put like a tomato sauce stain on a white t-shirt, completely fucking up my game.
I finally had to walk away because what am I gonna do, stand there looking like an idiot while you drone on and on in my dude's ear? I'm good at a lot of things but standing still and not talking to the guy I want to talk to is not one of them.
I hate you. I hate you so much YOU PASTY-SKINNED, THIN-LIPPED, UNIBROWED, STUPID SOUL PATCH-HAVING MOTHERFUCKER! Ugh. I hope you contract some kind of disease usually only seen in exotic animals like dolphins that baffles your doctors how you were even exposed to it so they silently make judgments about your private life,
YOU FUCKING SHIT SKIDMARK.