November 27, 2011

Story Time: What Would Be Your Worst Date OF ALL TIME?

Here, I'll go first:

We'd catch the first showing of Adam Sandler's terrible movie Jack & Jill at like, 11:30am.

Then we'd run a weird errand where we had to stop by a sketchy strip club because he has to pick something up from his ex-girlfriend who works there. And, even though he says that we'll only be there for "two minutes," I end up sitting at the bar by myself for a half-hour, not knowing what's taking him so long.

Then he'd insist that we grab greasy chicken bowls from some random KFC for a late lunch/ early dinner which is doubly gross because I don't eat fast food but he's a picky eater and it's the only thing he'll eat.

Then we'd go to some shitty bar that only serves Bud Light and smells like a homeless man's farts mingled with stale cigarette smoke. He loves the place because he can smoke freely, but I'd be bummed that my clothes and hair are gonna smell like ass now. Good thing I wore my favorite fancy perfume for this stupid date! (Not.)

Then, he'd eat a pickled egg from a giant jar and try to kiss me.

And, after I've rebuffed his advances, he'd confess that he's actually engaged to this girl but that they have an "open relationship so it's cool."
That, my friends, would be my worst date of all time. 

What would be yours? Tell me in the comments.


Mike said...

The date would be our third attempt at meeting. The first two times, she would be a no-call/no-show, having instead opted to run back to the physically and mentally abusive ex-boyfriend who killed her parents, microwaved her cat, and played "Jersey Girl" on an infinite loop.

Tonight's date is happening because she is "finally sick of his shit" (meaning he wasn't home when she went by his house on the way to meet me). As an added bonus, said trip caused her to be 45 minutes late.

When we meet, the helmet-shaped haircut and 40 extra pounds scream that the photograph she emailed me, labeled "fall 2011," was in fact taken back when "Seinfeld" was still airing first-run episodes. The names of two guys are tattooed on her neck.

We enter the Old City restaurant at which she wanted to meet, one of those uber-trendy places with a monosyllabic name that specializes in a $45 steak molecule and alcoholic drinks the same color (and carrying the same alcoholic content) as neon Vegas casino signs. She orders the biggest salad on the menu, eats an entire dollop of dressing AND a crouton, and announces she's full. The five drinks she has thrown down her throat, causing the aforementioned neck tattoos to bulge out nicely as the gulps passed by, must have been rather filling.

During our excuse for a meal, I initiate any and all conversation. Whenever something other than a single word or throat noise is required, she launches into a play-by-play recap of the latest episode of "Jersey Shore." It should be noted that the majority of my questions are directed at the side of her head, for her eyes are focused on the male (and possibly female) half of a couple seated nearby. I don't mind the eye-flirting, but when she goes over and begins giving the man (who is trying to stammer out a marriage proposal) a massage, I become a tad annoyed.

Nevertheless, I graciously offer to pick up the check; she graciously offers to pick up the booklet the check comes in and hand it to me.

We exit the restaurant and decide to see a movie. I ask her what she would like to see and her choice is the haphazardly-written rom-com du jour, which was heavily promoted on the entertainment program she DVRs every night despite watching it intently while the recording is going on. I oblige and we make our way to the movie theater. As we again attempt conversation, she forgets my name several times, points out random men (and women) (and several bikes) (and a pigeon) and expresses a desire to "do them hard," and wonders aloud why we haven't elected Edward Cullen president. I ask her what her hobbies are and she replies "makeup and jeans."

We get to the movie theater, sit down, and she casually slips her hand into that of the 76-year-old guy seated next to her. I would try to hold her other hand, but she is busy using that to stroke the back of the old man's hand, who by now has died of shock and is starting to smell a little bit.

As the movie plays, she guffaws loudly enough to shake Iceland residents out of their sleep. Several times, she announces to no one in particular that she "must get this movie when it comes out on video." Each time her mouth opens, out jump saliva-covered popcorn remnants, which land in the hair of the person seated in front of us. Fortunately, her laughs and proclamations are cut short by her ringing iPhone, which she answers. Ten minutes of the conversation go by when she suddenly stands up, says to me "Sorry, Dilbert, I have to go to the bathroom; wait here," and rushes out.

The rest of the movie plays. It is 4 hours in length. The old guy continues to decompose.

I exit the theater; she is nowhere to be found. I pull out my phone to see a text message waiting in my inbox. Addressed to "Harry," it reads "omg ty for geting m3 outa that horibel date!"

Anna said...

You can't see me, but I'm giving you a standing ovation for that comment.

Mike said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am taking an equally unseen bow.

I'm not sure about your own, but my own worst date ever is rooted in truth; a less sensationalistic version of the whole account happened (online girl looking nothing like the profile picture contacted a friend to get herself away during the movie). The other aspects of course stemmed from other actual dates.

Dude said...

1) She wears flip-flops or flats
2) She answers texts in front of me
3) She mentions her ex-boyfriend
4) She is rude to the waiter/bartender/valet/other worker
5) She rejects my suggestions in favor of more expensive ones and doesn't offer to help pay
6) She gets too drunk

The worst part is at this point I actually expect most American girls to hit on at least 3 or 4 of these qualities during a date..

Alyssa said...

oh man, i always wear flats on a date. that way i'm less likely to fall on my face.

Dude said...

Alyssa, there are obviously some date scenarios where that is alright (more adventurous, daytime stuff for example), but for a dinner date it's basically akin to a guy showing up in tennis shoes. Unless I'm, ya know, playing tennis, I'm going to try to wear something that says "I'm putting in some effort to look good for and try to impress my date," not something that says "this is lazy and easy." If a girl is not putting in the effort to impress me now, just imagine what she'll be like down the road. She might be wearing sweatpants by date 3...

Andrea said...

I'm 5'10". I always wear flats. Why should my low back have to suffer for your vanity? There are lots of cute flats.

Ugh. Men.

Do agree about mentioning exes. Bad form.

Anonymous said...

um, dude? are you from the past? flats are a perfectly valid shoe choice and really don't say anything about how hard a lady is trying to impress. wake up.

Samantha said...

I understand where Dude is coming from. I think there's a general lack of effort that people in their 20s and 30s put into their overall appearance and style these days. I can totally appreciate ANY dude who appreciates a girl who can rock a pair of high heels on a date AND I appreciate a dude who puts a conscious effort into his shoe choice as well

Dude, where you at? I think we're on to something here

Dude said...

Thank you Samantha (grad hospital btw, wassup?). My point was actually probably less specifically about flats and more about a general lack of effort. If I'm dressing nicely and spending good money to treat you to a nice dinner, and you show up in flats and jeans looking like you spent 4 minutes thinking about your outfit, I'm not going to be very pleased. It has nothing to do with my 'vanity' or 'old-school-ness.'

And Andrea, I never said you had to punish yourself in 5 inch heels every time you go out, especially if you are dating shorter guys. Throw on a pair of boots, or low-rise wedges or something (I don't know the technical terms for women's shoes, but you get my point). Just something that doesn't say "I picked these because they were the easiest and most comfortable shoes I have and that's my approach to this date." That's all I'm saying.

(p.s. As I said before, there are obvious exceptions to every rule and plenty of flat-appropriate date scenarios; I am speaking in generalities, of course.)

Andrea said...

Hey, if my feet aren't comfortable, I am NOT going to be thinking about my date. I'm going to be thinking about the mind-numbing pain I've subjected my poor metatarsals to.

It's easy for guys to say that, because even their cute shoes are comfortable! I'm not saying that I'm going to wear ratty converse on a date (unless it's that type of date), but if there's a cute shoe option that won't make my feel feel like their on fire/compromise my spine, hell YES I am going to choose that.

Anonymous said...

I understand why lots of people would be turned off by the idea of an open relationship, and it's fine if you are disgusted by that sort of thing.
But the truth is that lots of men and women like the idea of safe, honest, non-monogamous relationships.
This post seemed to demonize open relationships.
I could be completely mistaken, though. Maybe you have no moral problem with non-monogamy, and were just saying that it's wrong for you personally.
But here's some perspective: What if a woman wrote a blog post about her worst date imaginable and concluded with, "Then he mentioned that he's sometimes attracted to men."
You would instantly assume that the writer is a homophobe, right?
Just something to think about.

Charlie said...

Hey Anonymous, I think it's pretty clear that Anna's just not into an open thing, and from the construction of this fictional polyamorous guy you're getting all upset on behalf, it's not even clear the guy is telling the truth (from everything that preceded it, it sounds more like he's trying to cheat with her). This blog is mainly humor.

I will also add, as a bi-leaning guy who mainly dates women, I'm not in the least offended when a woman says she won't date bi men, even if her reasons are based in biphobia. That's her issue, not mine, and by being open about it, she's doing me a favor. I'm not interested in dating someone who I have to constantly prove my sexuality or fidelity to.

The fact is, when you're part of any kind of sexual minority, you should be looking for broad civil acceptance and equal rights. That's not the same as saying everyone has to be cool with dating you. And frankly, I'm pretty sure Anna's very cool will all sorts of people, she just has a right to have preferences about who she wants to date.

Anna said...

For the guy who said I was demonizing non-monogamy, I wasn't. I was demonizing guys who present themselves as being available but then finding out that it's not the case which has happened to me.

Just the other week, a guy was hitting on me and when I asked if he was single he said that he was actually engaged. Oh-kay then. That's kind of what that particular part of the post was based on. I don't think this guy was in an open relationship, I think he was just being a mixture of flirty and selfish. Shrug.

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