May 28, 2012

Bonerkiller: His Stupid Cigar Habit

The Monopoly Man looks like a jerk
Smoking cigars is a dirty habit. It's pungent, it's gross, and it's a total turn-off for me. I hate everything about it. I hate the way he holds in between his fingers like chopsticks holding a stuffed grape leaf. I hate the way he puffs on it, rolling it around like he knows what he's doing (he doesn't). I hate the trail of smoke it leaves behind; a noxious cloud that irritates my lungs and stings my eyes. Fuck all of it. And, fuck him for making me remember how much I hate cigar smoke.

I've never wanted to kiss a guy smoking a cigar. Ever. You know who smokes cigars? Overweight suburban neighbors named Bob, golf pros, and semi-successful bankers who want people to think that they're very successful. Your best friend's father smokes cigars, so do drunk frat guys who want to appear sophisticated while they stand around drinking beers out of red Solo cups.

You know what these men have in common? I'm completely uninterested in touching them in any sort of romantic scenario. Unless he's Bill Murray and he's crashing a backyard pool party/ croquet match/ badminton tournament, he should put the damn cigar away. (Bill Murray can do whatever the fuck he wants.)

I feel like smoking a cigar is supposed to connotate wealth, but it's a poor choice. It's not as bad as smoking a pipe (that's still reserved for Philosophy majors and part-time bards) but it's pretty damn close. And, if he chooses to light it up around me, I'm gonna rip it out of his hands and crush it under my foot like how Hot Sandy did it to her cigarette at the end of Grease. "Tell me about it, stud!" - Me, to him when he's like, "What the fuck?" because I just smashed his cigar and I'm trying to live out my fantasy of being Hot Sandy so I'm gonna stay in character a little longer. Fuck his cigar in it's big, fat, smoky face!


Anonymous said...

Wow, what a bitch. If my cigar smoke keeps bitches like you away, I'll keep on puffing!

Unknown said...

my fiancee was buzzing at a christmas party and told me he wanted to try it since his friends were doing it. I told him id push him in the pool to put it out lol. i dont like being bitchy about it but any type of tobacco or in-scents or any other type of smoking product make me physically sick to my stomach even if its just on their cloths. i honsetly feel like i have a stomach flue when im around it. so i dont really get why he would want to bring that home or have it on him when he knows how ill it makes me feel. i didnt go in planning on kissing an ash tray for the rest of my life and id rather not. regardless ill still love him if he chooses to do it but unless he takes two hot showers, brushes his teeth, gargles, flosses, gargles again and swallows a mint or 20 he can plan on not kissing me till he does. Love him to death but if you love me one why start now? and two why put my health at risk when i made the choice a long time ago to never smoke anything? I dont get the need...

Anonymous said...

Let's see; it takes a two-pack a day smoker about 20 years to develop lung cancer or heart problems; if he or she develops it at all. How long do you figure a person who takes an occasional whiff from a smoker and doesn't have the good sense to open a window, would take? Then there is George Burns, Winston Churchill, and Mark Twain who lived well into their 80's and loved good cigars.

Anonymous said...

Take a chill pill. Your anger could melt the screen.

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