April 10, 2015

Story Time: How Do We Feel About Spending the Night Together After the First Date?

Is spending the night after the first date
a recipe for disaster or a recipe for awesome?
I recently caught sight of a guy dining at the restaurant he dumped me at like, five years ago. I didn't even see his face; I just saw the back of his head and immediately knew it was him. (I have all sorts of skills, people. Apparently, non-facial recognition is one of them.) It was a jarring experience, as you can imagine. It felt like I was in a bad dream.

Okay, so he didn't technically dump me; we'd only been out twice. He just happened to mention on our second date at this restaurant that he wasn't looking for anything serious and that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I don't why we needed to eat expensive salads while he told me this revelation, but whatever. I was more pissed that I did my hair and wore fancy shoes for no reason. No one wants to put mascara on to their own dumping.

Anyways, I was looking at the back of his head and I remembered our stupid lunch date so many moons ago and then I remembered our first, salad-less date. It was a great date! We ate dinner at a trendy restaurant. Conversation flowed easily and he told me that he thought I was pretty. We held hands. We kissed in his elevator. It couldn't have gone better. That's why I spent the night with him because I wanted to keep the fun goin'. It turned out to be a mistake, one which I kicked myself about for a very long time. I shouldn't have stayed over. Maybe we would've had a better shot at dating if I'd held out a bit longer? Can it work out when two people just jump right into it after a great date?   

What do you guys think? Is spending the night after the first date a recipe for disaster or a recipe for awesome? Do you have any special rules about it or do you go with what feels right when it feels right? Tell me in the comments!

28 comments:

bloop said...

I think if a guy doesn't want to date you anymore after first date sleepovers, you are better off without him! Chances that he's a slut-shamer or just uncomfortable with the possibility that you have some sexual experience with other people are high, and that does not make for a fun future sex life. Good riddance to bad head backs!

Anonymous said...

For me, sleeping together on the first date usually means that the second date will either not occur or consist of more sex followed by "Yeah, I'm not looking for anything serious" and immediate cessation of contact. I'm not trying to settle down but I feel like the dudes in this town freak out and run away whenever a lady wants anything more than a one night (or two week) stand. Or if that rare dude wants any kind of relationship he wants A Relationship That Ends In Marriage and Babies (ew) which I definitely do not want either. Where's the happy medium?

Anonymous said...

i would never shame someone for wanting to spend the night on the first date. more importantly, i detest how women are the ones who are more often than not shamed and not the men who had equal say in what happened. i know of a few people who've had awesome first dates where they spent the night over and are still together today. however, this definitely seems to be the exception--not the rule. typically, when you spend the night with someone, the excitement is gone after that first night. furthermore, there seems to be some sort of an implication made right off the bat that this attraction is physical only and once that attraction wears off, people seem to check out and the chance for an actual relationship are slim.

Anonymous said...

This has NEVER worked out for me! It's always been followed with either a)ghosting or b)fade outs. My ex told me on our first date when I said I wasn't going to go home with him (not that he asked, we were just making out pretty hardcore and things seemed to be heading that way) that when you like someone you want to wait, not jump into bed right away. I use that as my philosophy now, because while some guys may be willing to wait to get you into bed just to drop you anyway, the ones that don't pursue it immediately seem to be worth the time.

miranda said...

I have never had a first date that ended in sex turn into a meaningful relationship (much less a second date). I think maintaining the mystery a bit is helpful in figuring out who will stick it out in the long run. That said, I am currently in a very meaningful, long-term relationship with someone who slept over on the first date, but we did not have sex. We just made out (he tried for the sex and I said no) and went to sleep. (He walked me to work in the morning, blah blah blah, it was adorable.) This probably only worked because he's abnormally awesome, and might have been a bit of a power move on my part, but it was still worth sharing.

Anonymous said...

A dude who will think less of you for sleeping with him on the first date isn't worth seeing again.

Wax Pack Geek said...

Single guy's perspective here...

I should preface this by saying I've never had a one night stand after a first date.

But, IMHO, if its someone I see as a potential long-term partner I'd much rather wait until we are more familiar with each other to jump in the sack.

Anonymous said...

You should never have sex on the first date. But you SHOULD have drunken, passionate sex and then go on a real date the following week to see how the chemistry is without booze and sex. At least that's how it has gone for me and my boyfriend and we've been together for a year now. Or... um. Not. Probably a fluke.

Anonymous said...

Slept with current boyfriend on the first date... and that has turned out pretty good :)
Although we had been friendly acquaintances before. I don't know how it would of been if I didn't know him before that!

Amy Lynne said...

I took a dude home after a night of pounding 'Gansetts and getting down on the dance floor. He called me the next night to hang out, and we've been together now for 3 years. But before that, I had an awful, awful experience with not listening to that Monica song, so, y'know?

Anonymous said...

The few relationships I have had all started with a first date sleepover. Not necessarily full sex, but definitely a comprehensive hookup.

Solo4114 said...

Last serious relationship started with sex on the first date, although I don't recall if she spent the night. We were together a year and a half.

Personally, I don't buy into the "Guys won't respect you if you sleep with them on the first date" philosophy. Any guy who did think that probably wouldn't be worth your time anyway. If he's only looking for sex, holding out won't suddenly flip him to wanting something serious. He'll either ditch you when he realizes sex isn't gonna happen and move on to an easier target, or he'll bide his time, sleep with you, and THEN ditch you. A guy who'll respect you will likely respect you regardless of when you decide to sleep with him (or he decides to sleep with you, for that matter).

That said, if YOU don't respect yourself in the morning, then sleeping with someone on a first date is a bad idea. If you're worried that you'll take the sex as too meaningful and that you'll be hurt considerably more by a guy's rejection afterwards, then yeah, don't do it.

Plus, at a certain point, I don't know about anyone else, but casual sex just lost its luster. The downsides (STD risks, additional drama, mediocre sex because you barely know the other person, etc.) just weren't worth the upsides of getting my rocks off. And let's face it. First date sex, even if things develop somewhere, even if it was an AMAZING first date...is still casual sex.

Anonymous said...

My wife slept over on our first date. Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

I am marrying my one and only first date sleepover in a few days. So, it can work out.

Anonymous said...

I had a first date once where we ended up naked in bed, but still managed to limit our activity, somewhat. Ten years later, we still live together as lovers.

Don't know if this really counts, but that's my story either way.

letsgrabacoffee said...

After many dates where I thought I could "keep the fun going", only to find myself dumped because he just wasn't ready for anything serious ... I started making sure that the guy got to get to know me a little bit before he got to know my vagina.

There are exceptions to every rule, I dated a guy for 3 years after sleeping with him on a 2nd date ... but I met him online and I think that he already had a good sense of me outside the bedroom before we took that step.

Who knows. If guys were easy to figure out I wouldn't have anything to write about.

nikkidelphia said...

In all honesty, it depends on the guy. Back in June, I had a date with someone I met at a movie event. We went on an official date and we spent the night together. Present day: We're still dating/hanging out and he's become one of my closet guy friends. So, it's not always a recipe for disaster.

@letsgrabcoffee - So true!

Anonymous said...

I go with what feels right, knowing that a roll in the hay might not yield an actual relationship. If I'm okay with that, I go with it. Also, I increasingly feel like the older I get, the less time I have in my life to get laid, so I might as well go for it when I feel like it.

Anonymous said...

I cannot agree with the last Anonymous enough.

NP said...

The way I see it, having an overnight on the first date isn't what tips the scales. I've heard some women say "If you sleep with him on the first date, he'll never want to see you again" Trust me, It's not BECAUSE you slept with him on the first date. He'd probably made that decision long before then. If he wants a relationship he'll stay over and want to see you again. Or he'll not stay over and want to see you again. For the guys who boink on the first date and never call? Um, he did you a favor. In not calling, he spared you the angst of wondering if he's really into you or just wants sex. You have the answer, and he's out of your life. Hopefully, you at least had a night of good sex.

Anonymous said...

I was the queen of one night stands and first date sleepovers until I met my current boyfriend. My previous three boyfriends I slept with all on the first date and had pretty good relationships that all lasted more than a year. For the current beau, HE made ME wait for like 2 months - I felt rejected at first since everyone else was up for it, but 4 years later we're still together and happy. Worth the wait! ;)

Annie said...

NP, you should know this was totally the friendly advice I needed right now. Much appreciated.

Julia said...

For everyone above who has said "If you sleep with a guy on the first date and never hear from him again, he did you a favor." Really? Cause I feel like sleeping with him so he can ghost did him the favor. This is why I won't sleep with a guy on a first date because of the real possibility that I won't hear from him again. It hurts a lot less when you makeout in front of your house and never hear from him again.

Solo4114 said...

Question, purely out of curiosity here. Not trying to be snarky.

Does it hurt less if you go out with him 3-4 times, sleep with him, and THEN he ghosts? I'd figure that the post-coital ghosting is the real problem here, rather than when the sex happened. I grant you that it's more likely he'll bail when he's only 1 date in (since there's less invested), but it's still not a guarantee, and I'd bet it hurts just as much on date 5 as it does on date 1. Maybe more, even, because by date 5 you're probably thinking "Ok, this thing's going somewhere." Certainly I get more bummed when things fizzle 5 dates in than I do when they fizzle 1 date in. And that's with or without sex in the mix. Sex amplifies it, usually, but I'm still bummed either way.

Julia said...

@Solo I am really striving to wait until I am in some sort of exclusive relationship with a guy and I let him know. So far I am 3 dates down with the current one so hopefully it works. Though to be fair, he was the one who suggested we wait.

Traci said...

As soon as I got over my initial dislike of a co-worker, I hit it like the fist of an angry god (And to put a cherry on this slutty sundae, we weren't even remotely on a date at the time of coitus), and four years later, he asked me to marry him. And thus ends my anecdote. Bottom line: play it by ear. Sometimes people you wait for end up leaving anyway, sometimes the ones you thought of as "hit it and quit it" stick around. Don't torture yourself over it.

Anonymous said...

I went out with a guy who I really liked, & on the first date he tried to kiss me! I just wanted to take it slow, but on the second date I was so physically attracted to him that I gave into temptation & slept togeather! 3 months later I had my first child. We talked about marriage, but after two 1/2 yrs it did not end up well. If I could go back I would have waited and taken it slow, because like everyone else has been saying, it just seemed like the relationship was based on sex after that. To this day I can say I never truly got to know him. We have joint custody of our kid. And we are not friends.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure about it. I think it's like a scapegoat, we blame the fact that we slept over for a situation that did not have much of a chance to begin with. There are dates of mine that have gone on to other dates after sleeping over, and others seem like the person is just lonely and wants my company (I am in the gay lifestyle). So they just miss the feeling of a partner; I usually try to avoid this if right off the bat they seem not interested enough in something long-term.

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