January 9, 2013

My First 9 Thoughts Upon Seeing Bradley Cooper With His Hair Parted Down the Center

1. I swear to god every guy I've ever worked on a group project with in high school had this haircut. They all lived on the other side of town and their houses were all well-stocked with cans of generic soda. We'd always get a B+ on our dumb group project which was whatever. After our class was through, we never talked to each other again, even when I was home from college on winter break and we passed each in the food court at the mall. There's like, an entire army of these guys just milling around and they're all named Corey or Dave or Brian or some shit. Ugh. 

2. He could pass for a stylish neanderthal. 

3. It looks like his forehead is yawning.   

4. I'll bet when he goes down on a woman it looks like an angry muppet just thrashing around down there. Could you imagine tugging on that greasy mess to let him know that he's being taken off oral duty? Ew.

5. I feel sorry for those few sparse stray hairs in front. They look like sixth graders who make their parents drop them off a block away from school because they don't want to be seen with them. They're definitely breaking away from the pack and going off to smoke clove cigarettes or start a band or maybe even make a zine. Do they still make zines? They should! And those stray hairs should lead the trend. It can be about Renée Zellweger's squinty eyes. Hey, I'm just spitballin' here.  

6. His hair is certainly voluminous, like a soufflé or a startled poodle. 

7. Can ears look embarrassed? Because his do.

8. Now I'm picturing him wearing sweatpants and an old, ratty t-shirt, sliding a headband on to keep his hair out of his face and sudsing up with some Neutrogena bullshit. He's massaging the soap into his nose and yelling at me from the bathroom to ask when "Millionaire Matchmaker" starts up again. It's this Thursday night and stop yelling at me from the bathroom! I'm on the phone with my mom, Bradley Cooper. Sheesh!

9. He looks like the kind of guy who'd marry his high school girlfriend and be terrible at making small talk even after he's had four beers. Who invited him to this party? He's so lame! And I think he just drank the last Mad Elf which I brought specifically for me. If he doesn't say something interesting in the next ten seconds while we wait in line to use the bathroom, I might just flip out altogether. 

image via Dlisted


Anonymous said...

You're an idiot

Chantale said...

How do you take a guy who is totally gorgeous and trash him for zero reasons, is it personal? He's from Philly too. Not just great person outside but inside too. An English grad who can converse amazingly but wait.....in French as well. OY VEY, I like the hair here just fine or combed back or....anyway we'd like him to come to our neighborhood. Thanks for the pic.

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