February 18, 2013

Shmitten Kitten's Recipe for the Perfect First Date

This recipe for the perfect first date has been passed down from generation to generation in my family. Just kidding; I figured this out myself like, two years ago. The secret: it's all about navigating the brows. No, not your eyebrows, although proper grooming is always a plus. No, I'm talking about going from high-brow to super high-brow, to low-brow. You know, the brows.

A word of caution: it's best to do this date with someone you are excited about. Like, someone you'd consider shaving your legs and curling your eyelashes for. If this is a blind date, proceed with caution as results may vary.

Rule #1: Start high brow.

High brow time
Go somewhere with tablecloths and dim lighting. There should be more than one fork on the table. It shouldn't be too loud because you don't want to cup your hand over your ear and scream "What?" for the duration of the meal. Share your food. Split and app and two entrees but don't get dessert. It'll just weigh you down.

Rule #2: Go someplace else that's even nicer.

Go SUPER high brow for this leg of the date
Put your coats on and keep things moving. Pop into a hotel bar or a high-end speakeasy. Order fancy cocktails that cost around $10 each. Taste each other's drinks and coo over how great they are. Take in the ambiance. Tell each other funny stories while you wonder if he or she is a good cook. Only get one drink here because you can't get too crunk; you still have one more place to go.

Rule #3: At the end of the night, stop off somewhere super low-brow.

This is basically the absence of brow

This is when you guys can finally loosen up. Now you're full from dinner, buzzed from the fancy drinks, and pumped with enough liquid courage to hold hands or brush knees under the table. The bar you choose should have a jukebox and a lively clientele. Order a beer or another no-fuss cocktail.

This formula works because it shows that you can go from proper adult date-y places to crushing a PBR while The Stooges play in the background. That's an irresistible combination. I guarantee that if you follow this first date recipe, by the time you two part ways, you'll be counting down the minutes until you see each other again.

And for those of you who don't drink or the date's on a weekday so you can't fly your freak flag too high, you can still hang with this first date model. Instead of stopping off at a place to grab a fancy drink in the second phase, go somewhere for a super fancy dessert since you didn't order one at the first spot. Go to a place with a dedicated pastry chef and try some shit out. For the last stop, instead of flopping into a dive bar, stop into a speakeasy-ish place and order virgin cocktails. They make them fresh and they're fantastic. The key is to go to at least three places with different vibes and keep things moving. Good luck!


Brad said...

That picture of Whoopi killed me. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try it out this weekend.

Post a Comment