May 2, 2013

Bonerkiller: Violent Kissers

There was a time I thought there were only two kinds of kissers: good ones and bad ones. The experience is either pleasurable or it isn’t and even a bad kiss with someone you're attracted to must be better than nothing, right?


I learned this lesson the hard way.

My date and I had spent the evening at a minor league baseball game. It was the third time we had gone out and I was walking her to her car. I was confident that it was time to kiss her, and made my move only to realize I had made a terrible, terrible mistake.

She latched onto my mouth and began to maul my face. Her tongue flailed about like a coin-operated mechanical bull. I attempted to guide the kiss back into neutral territory but my efforts were for naught as she latched onto my lower lip with leech-like suction. It was jerky, frantic, and forceful: no words that should ever be used describe a kiss. There was a lot of oral gesticulating going on. Her tongue was like a panicked octopus playing Pictionary trying to act out the words to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon with 15 seconds left on the clock.

It was not hot.  

It was a wipeout
After about 10 seconds of uncomfortable, sloppy face mashing, we said our goodbyes. She drove away and I staggered back into my house. As I stared in the mirror at my swollen lip, I began to contemplate the gravity of the situation. Had her previous boyfriends never pointed out that her technique was so violent? Could I possibly endure another episode? Do I treat my swollen lip with ice or heat?

I received a text from her later in the evening. “Sorry for eating your face.” I assured her it was okay, despite knowing full well that the damage had been done. Needless to say, she and I are no longer together. I cringe to think that another man out there may be experiencing what I did. I can only hope that my story will help raise awareness of a clear and present danger in the dating world: beware the violent kisser.


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