May 20, 2013

Real Talk: Bad Boys Over 30 Must Die

You meet him, pounding whiskey gingers at the bar with “his boys.” You know the type; the kind that shows up to dive bars at 1:15am. He has a motorcycle. He thinks Facebook chat is a legitimate way to hit you up. He doesn’t offer to buy you a drink but he leans up next to you, his shirt barely buttoned. His tan looks sorta fake and his teeth are a bit too white, but he’s smooth. He’s handsome. And you’re down to kick it even though there's a 99.9% chance he's a douchebag.

He tells you he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. He’s been hurt before, a long time ago. He doesn’t take girls out on dates...anymore. And for a moment, you think, “I accept the challenge to transform him from mediocre bad boy to above-average boyfriend! Girls everywhere will talk about me for years to come. I'll be known as the Bad Boy Slayer and they'll made a limited-edition, high ABV-content beer to commemorate the achievement.”

And then two days later you shake out of it and realize that your life is NOT a Reese Witherspoon rom-com. This guy isn’t intriguing; he’s just an asshole.

There should be a rule that once you hit 27, games are off the table. Let’s accept the fact that we have lives. Look, I work 40 hours a week, PLUS I freelance AND I blog. Add into the equation that I enjoy being with my friends, working out during the week, cooking myself food, doing laundry, and I really love taking baths. I don’t have time to sit around and wait for him to ask me to “grab drinks” aka keep me up til 2am on a work night for, let’s be honest, nothing to write home about.

This isn’t pathetic Julia from sophomore year in high school, eating Nutter Butters on a Friday night and watching "Futurama" hoping some senior calls my parent's landline. This is big, city girl Julia. The Julia that can stumble through Old City cobblestone after three Kettle One on the rocks in 4 inch heels like it ain’t no thing. So don’t think I’ve got the time to wait around for him to drunk text me “Sup?” last minute as hell on a Thursday night.

So let’s lose the schtick and be blunt, gentleman. Buy me a glass of Riesling and let’s get this show on the goddamn road.


Anonymous said...

Kettle Ones?

Mallory P. said...

I don't know if this has already been covered by SK, but there's also a surefire way to tell you're dealing with one of these if you've only met them online and not yet IRL-- if any part of their online persona has ever uttered the phrase, "I work hard, and I play hard." Every time.

Kicky Sam said...

I didn't think this kind of douchebaggery even existed.

Anna said...

Yes on ""I work hard, and I play hard" being the WORST phrase. Co-signed!

Don @ HowYouCanFindLove said...

I agree 100% with this. As I got older and was using online dating, I was tired of the games. We're all adults here, let's start acting like ones.

As a guy, I hate these dudes....they give us a bad name.

Modern Haredi said...

Only thing worse than "work hard play hard" is "I'm a total foodie".

In fact, I'd like stab the word "foodie" in the face. Get a hobby that requires more than eating, you fat, lazy f*ck who has no cultural awareness.

K, I'm done.

Anonymous said...

Well said! Can't believe I was feeling guilty after hooking up with the colleague of a douchebag like this, after we randomly lost him on a night out. What was I thinking? He stood me up on the first date, then apologized for falling asleep, and on top of that he was the kind to call me at 2.00 am to go for a drink, and hesitant every time I wanted to meet. Pathetic!
Amazing things we put up with in the name of "love"

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