June 14, 2013

Bonerkiller: Obsessive Facebook Checkers

Full Disclosure: I have a Facebook account. But I kind of hate it.

Look, I freely admit that there are moments -- early moments, long before a crush has developed into a date and is still gestating in the filthy gutter-puddle of fantasy that is my brain -- when I think to myself, "Man, if only he was on Facebook." His absence from that wretched cesspool of cyberstalking seriously diminishes my ability to ruminate on which of his features I hope our hypothetical children will inherit, and totally iCockblocks any chance I have of finding his most recent ex's unflattering selfies.

But that's where it ends, gang. Once we've actually interacted in the flesh, there's nothing worse than watching him obsessively check his Facebook account.

Walking into a guy's apartment after a giddy second date and finding his laptop open to Facebook is like winning the lottery and getting paid in Monopoly money; it's a total bummer.

What are we, 17? Is his life, as a functional-enough adult that I was willing to spend time with him in public, so exhaustively boring that he maintains a second one online, bobby-trapped with infantile emojis and increasingly asinine acronyms? He's all, "LOL, look at this cat vid my HS BFF posted!" or "Ermagerd I can't believe she checked in at Joshua Tree three nights in a row!" 

And I'm all, "GMMFPBCIOH: Give Me My Fucking Panties Back, 'Cause I'm Outta Here."

I'm of the "Be Where You Are" school of thought: while the Internets occasionally amuse me, there's nothing worse than being out with someone who would rather check in online that check out my ass (c'mon, guy, I wore this skirt for a reason.) So finding out that he's so tied to his Facebook account that it's open on his laptop at all times is more than enough to make me sad. 

When we walk through that door, he has a major choice to make: immediately slam the laptop shut, conversation threads and notification icons be damned, and throw down with me (I promise to make it worth his while!), or take a quick peek at his friend requests -- while I turn on my heel and march out the door to the nearest bar to request a drink...and find a real man.



Rebecca Barber said...

I love this post, almost exclusively for the Princess Pride gif. Almost.

Mike said...

I like the "be where you are" mentality. Our generation either lacks the etiquette to know that it's rude to be on your phone/computer/tablet/coffeemaker/whatever-the-fuck in front of other people OR simply hasn't developed that etiquette yet. I hope it's the latter.

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