August 20, 2013

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Sleep With Their Shirts On

It's always a disappointment when he refuses to fully disrobe for bed. There's no shirts vs. skins in my love nest; it's strictly skins vs. skins up in hurr. It feels like I'm trying to cuddle up to a La-Z-Boy recliner instead of my dude's body. *insert thumb's down emoticon*

If I wanted to cuddle up to my recliner,
I wouldn't have walked all the way to the bedroom 
I have enough aggravation in my life. Starbucks just stopped serving their Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappucino, for one. And I get ankle pain when I walk long distances even though I just shelled out $70 for fancy orthotics. Who has time to argue with a sleepy nerd about proper bedroom attire? Stop arguing with me and pop that fucker off!

He's depriving me of several joys: feeling his skin against my cheek; smelling his skin first thing in the morning; nuzzling my nose into his back. Have you ever tried to nuzzle your nose into a t-shirt? It's bullshit. It's as erotic as nuzzling your nose into a lunch tote. And, it sucks when I wanna lightly scratch his back because I have to hike up the shirt and he has to contort his body to accomodate the situation then it becomes a thing and I don't even want to do it anymore.

I'm left to imagine what possibilities lie underneath his Hanes crewneck because he's clutching it tighter than my grandma clutches her purse on the crosstown bus. Does he have an overly hairy back? A severe case of bacne? A tattoo of Alf waving a Confederate flag? A tattoo of two Alfs (Alves?) waving Confederate flags? What gives?

This is a cotton travesty! It's a cotton-pacalypse! It's a cottonado!


ddvelin said...

A follow-up article must now be written with your thoughts (demands?) for the lower half of your sleeping buddy's attire.

Commando? just undies? flannel PJs?

This is only half the story my friend!

Anna said...

You're right! I'll have to do a sequel to the post. I'll call it "Getting Over His Underwear".

LKB said...

T-shirts in bed are nothing but bristly, cotton BULLSHIT.

Boxer briefs, on the other hand, are not just a wonder to behold -- seriously, is there anything sexier? -- but also a critical barrier between my Little Spoon and his balls sticking to the back of my thigh in the morning.

Gentlemen: you are on notice. Dress for bed at your peril.

Anonymous said...

Is this a REAL post or a joke? My man and I both wear t-shirts to bed all the time. What is the big deal?

Anna said...

I'm 100% serious with this post. If my dude wore a shirt to bed, I'd instruct him to pop that fucker off!

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