|Chip, being hilarious|
I bet that in another life, I was a guy who didn't believe in reincarnation either.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 1, 2014
When it comes to parenting advice, I trust Alicia Silverstone more than ANY other person who's ever been in multiple Aerosmith videos.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 29, 2014
He consistently cracks me up on both Twitter and Facebook so I suggest you follow him immediately. Since he's playing Helium Comedy Club from Wednesday, May 14 - Saturday, May 17th, I thought I'd pin him down and ask him some questions about dating.
1. What's your idea of a perfect date?
Chip Chantry: It has to be a double date. It doesn't matter where or when. The perfect date is the double date where the general public can plainly see that you are the superior couple.
In a perfect world, you and your date get the other couple to break up mid-date. They create a scene, but you intervene before it gets out of hand. Then, the guy speeds off in his Jetta, or better yet, Audi, screaming and crying. As he screeches out of the parking lot, he immediately gets pulled over. Then you, your date, and the girl from the other couple watch the cop issue this irate and emotionally exhausted dude a ticket as you eat frozen yogurt from across the parking lot. And the frozen yogurt place has malt AND crushed Nilla Wafers as toppings; not one or the other -- BOTH. You then drive the newly single girl back to her place. As she gets out of the car, she hugs your date, and leans in the window and whispers, with a single tear streaming down her cheek, but a smile on her face, "You guys are gonna make it." To celebrate the victory, you take your date back to your place and let her pick her favorite episode of "Arrested Development" to watch on NetFlix. But I guess that's pretty standard.
Chip Chantry: Look, NO ONE wants to see photos from your appendectomy. Just go ahead and delete them from your phone so you're not even tempted to show her, man.
3. What's the worst thing a guy can do on a date?
Chip Chantry: Frame you for murder. I mean, you're having a nice dinner, the conversation is going well, you realize that you have a lot in common. And then, right before the dessert comes out, the police burst in, and she stands up, points at you and screams, "THAT'S HIM, OFFICERS!" You get hauled away, they charge you with MURDER, and you lose your job, most of your friends refuse to speak to you, and even your family thinks you're a monster. You go through an excruciating trial that lasts weeks, but finally, as there is no physical evidence that ties you to the murder scene, you are acquitted and try to put the pieces of your life back together. And the worst part? Dessert was bananas flambé, and she got to eat the WHOLE THING. And you LOVE bananas flambé.
4. Tell us a secret!
Chip Chantry: I worked as a stock boy at a pharmacy when I was in high school. I purposely scheduled myself to work the nights of my 9th and 10th grade semi-formal dances, because I was too scared to ask anyone to go to the dance with me. So when people asked me if I was going to the dance, I would say, "Oh, I gotta work. Yeah, they really need me," and then I would brag about getting a ten percent discount on razors and shaving cream that I barely needed.
5. What advice would you give a younger version of yourself about dating?
Chip Chantry: Look, dude. She made you turn off Rushmore halfway through because she hated it. Break up now. Don't waste the next six months, guy. Save both of you the time and effort. And clean out your car, man. Seriously. Have some self-respect.
6. What would you put on a mixtape for a woman that you liked?
Chip Chantry: When it comes to a mixtape, you just have to know your boundaries. Keep it centered. No matter how much you are tempted, no Elliott Smith, no Muppets. Somewhere in between. If I really wanted to wow her, I would just give her a copy of my live comedy album, "Across from the Adonis," which is now available on iTunes. (Wink.)
Lucky for us, Chip is playing a bunch of dates this summer.
May 14-17 / Helium Comedy Club / Philadelphia, PAGo see him!
May 22-24 / Helium Comedy Club / Portland, OR
May 29 / Revel Casino / Atlantic City, NJ
June 19 / Revel Casino / Atlantic City, NJ
July 10-12 / Helium Comedy Club / Buffalo, NY
July 23-26 / Cap City Comedy Club / Austin, TX
July 31 / ArtsQuest Center at Steel Stacks / Bethlehem, PA
Aug 7-9 / Goodnights / Raleigh, NC
Sept 12-13 / City Steam / Hartford, CT