Hot off the heels of an incredible interview with The Rumpus, I emailed Sam some questions about dating. I kept her trademark writing style exactly as she submitted it.
1. What's your idea of a perfect date?
Sam Irby: dinner? or coffee, whatever. eating is awkward. JOKES AND SHIT. in my own bed and asleep by ten-thirty.
2. What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
Sam Irby: they don't talk enough. nothing makes the ladies crazier than a dude mumbling, or sitting dead fucking silent, during a date. you just met me, homie. you know literally nothing about me other than which emojis i like to use when texting. ASK ME SOME SHIT.
3. What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date? What's the worst thing you've ever done on a date?
Sam Irby: hm. i am slow to criticize girls, because we are pretty fucking perfect. so i would say the worst thing a girl could do on a date is not be 100% herself. i am a person who is definitely guilty of letting it all hang out. here's the thing tho: you could be all vague and mysterious and withholding, but eventually you're going to have to take a shit or burst out in premenstrual tears and dude is gonna be all WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT INANIMATE OBJECT I'VE BEEN FUCKING THIS WHOLE TIME. or you could pretend to really be into [insert dumb thing he likes] but sooner or later the truth is going to come out and you're going to look like an asshole. and being someone you aren't is exhausting. so don't do that.
i think the worst thing i ever did on a date was knock a bowl of mussels into this dude's lap and then awkwardly punched him in the dick as i tried to help clean that shit up. it was too embarrassing to be funny, even now. he just sat there looking at me like "i am never texting you again." and he didn't. we're still friends on facebook, though, because life is fucking terrible. why can i not delete that goddamned dude!?
4. Tell us a secret!
Sam Irby: every night after work, if i don't go out, i eat my dinner in my pajamas while reading fashion magazines and watching the game show network. especially wednesdays, when they show, like, four hours of steve harvey-hosted episodes of family feud. i am obsessed with him, and i cry when people win the fast money round. every time, real tears. totally gross.
5. What advice would you give a younger version of yourself about dating?
Sam Irby: RELAX, BABY. THEY'RE JUST DUDES
6. What would you put on a mixtape for a person that you liked?
Sam Irby: i could for real go on ad nauseam about this. like, if my life could just be making mixtapes for potential boyfriends without having to risk any of the in-person awkwardness i would be totally cool with that. okay so i would probably try to look cool as hell and flaunt my incredibly varied musical tastes rather than create a sexmood, which i would achieve later with the help of my clunky old humidifier and hastily-applied aspercreme.
A SIDE:Follow Sam on Twitter @wordscience and buy her book!
1 "creole" mos def and charlie hunter.
2 "deep fried frenz" mf doom.
3 "half time" amy winehouse.
4 "don't leave" ane brun.
5 "you took your time" mount kimbie feat king krule.
6 "something in the way" nirvana.
7 "the wheel" sohn.
8 "los awesome" schoolboy q.
9 "pull up vibes" beres hammond.
10 "breathe.scream.dream." denitia and sene.
11 "rain smell" baths.
12 "the hours" beach house.
1 "prelude/there's a lull in my life" cecile mclorin salvant.
2 "nakamarra" hiatus kaiyote.
3 "objects in the mirror" mac miller.
4 "mad lucas" the breeders.
5 "polyethylene (1 and 2)" radiohead.
6 "furthest thing" drake.
7 "blame them" blackbear.
8 "god bless us all" n.e.r.d.
9 "default" django django.
10 "come here" talib kweli
11 "every party has a winner and a loser" erlend oye.
12 "call me" n'dambi.