February 12, 2008

Cringe and Tell: My Worst Kiss

When I reflect on the truly bad kissers I've encountered in this town, one boy in particular pops into my head.

Let me first say that this guy is a huge sweetie. We got along instantly. He is supersmart, accomplished, has good style, and is a great conversationalist. Finishing up his engineering degree, he was teaching some classes which totally piqued my interest. You know how I eat that "Professor thing" right up! We could talk for hours upon hours about music, television, movies; you get the drift. He is a little bit on the young side (22) so I knew I couldn't take him too seriously. But, I was trying to be open to it.

For our first date, he came over to my place. There he was at my door, grinning ear to ear with two bottles of wine in each hand; one white and one red because he wasn't sure which one I liked better. Now that's just adorkable. We gulped the wine down in an effort to calm our nerves, which it did. It was going pretty well. As each new glass of wine was poured, I noticed that he inched closer to me on the sofa. But, nothing could prepare me for the horrors about to come.

He finished off his fourth glass of wine when he just went for it. Oy vey. What sealed his fate was his one-two punch of both excessive slobbering and terrible breath. I mean, it was like the Vietnam War of kissing. His spit was flying everywhere! I think some of it got on my forehead. Ugh. It was truly gag-inducing. I had to cut our makeout sesh short because I couldn't take it anymore. Boxers only have to be in the ring for a few minutes and they at least get a towel afterwards. Sorry about the boxing reference, I just watched Million Dollar Baby the other day. Once he left, I wiped my mouth on the back of my sweater sleeve and promptly brushed my teeth. There wasn't enough gum in the world to take that stank taste out of my mouth.

I ignored his attempts at going out again for a few months. Seriously, I ignored him for almost a full year. He kept persisting so I figured, "What the hell? I'll give him a second chance." We met up for Sunday drinks at a place near my house. As before, we got along great. He even presented a mix CD he'd made for me. How freaking cute is that? After our date, he asked me if I wanted to come up and see his place. And, with that, he leaned it and planted a kiss smack on my lips. Oh God, it was just as horrible as before. Same sloppy lips, same terrible breath. His tongue was forceful and exploring all parts of my mouth that even my dentist didn't care about.

I declined his invitation to go upstairs and have blown off his repeated attempts at a third date. I know, I feel terrible about it. He made me a mix CD for crying out loud! But, I have my standards. Sorry, fella. Pop a Cert and tighten your game then MAYBE I'd consider MAYBE going out with you again. Ya dig??


B said...

I hope you told all of this to the poor SOB yourself so no other woman would be subject to such awful spit-swapping.
You did break the cycle, right?

Slackadelphia said...

i think this dude sounds familiar. really really familiar.

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