Let me set the scene for you. It was New Year's Eve. Midnight had come and gone. Everyone was celebrating with their kazoos and champagne. As with most parties I attend in Fishtown, almost all the attendees were either in a serious relationship or married. I was scanning the room for any available gents but it was pretty dire. I had my eye on one dude but he was chatting up some girl over by the pool table. I shrugged and downed my third flute glass of bubbly.
It was then that I caught sight of this guy sitting alone on a stool at the bar. Let's call him "the Gent." He is a bit older than me and very good looking. He has a real job so that's always a plus. I had heard through a friend that he had a crush on me over the summer but we never quite hooked it up. I figured this could be my chance to really make things happen.
So, I slid up next to him and said, "Where's my New Year's kiss?" He blushed a bit then leaned in and gave me a small smooch. Like, this kiss was a notch above a peck.
Being sassy, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "No! I want a real kiss from you!" That made him smile. So, he grabbed my waist and pulled me in. He planted a kiss right on my lips. His mouth was tight and dry. There was no tongue. Honestly, it wasn't that hot.
So, I was processing how hot this kiss wasn't when I kinda started laughing. I was chuckling because after months and months of flirting, we were finally kissing and I couldn't believe after all this buildup I wasn't feeling it. And, I was trying to stop the kiss and pull back a bit without looking too obvious.
Well, my chuckle turned into a snort. And, as I snorted, I unleashed an entire stream of snot onto the Gent. It was like a firehose of goo aimed directly at him. I straight up slimed him. Do you understand? I inadvertently used his mouth and chin as a tissue! This had never happened to me before. I was mortified!! The look on his face was a mix of horror, surprise, and total disgust. He reached for a bar napkin to wipe it off. It was like it was happening in slow motion.
I apologized profusely. He, being a Gent, waved my apologies off with his hand and said that it was ok as he cleaned himself up. I just kept muttering how sorry I was over and over. I wasn't sure how to make a graceful exit after something like that so I just slowly walked away and kept repeating how sorry I was.
I immediately ran over to Shannon and told her that I "pulled a Falkor!" She, of course, had no idea what I meant. So, I clarified that I had just blown snot all over the dude I was smooching. After letting out a gasp, she cracked up pretty hard. I buried my head in my hands in utter embarrassment. My cheeks were burning red with shame.
Does Hallmark make a card for this? "Sorry I sprayed my nose juice on your face. Thanks for taking it like a champ. Happy New Year's!" Since I was never taught in the Girl Scouts how to properly recover from a situation like this, I decided to just avoid him the rest of the night.
Well, as I write this post I realized that it wasn't Falkor at all who did the snotting in The Neverending Story; it was the turtle. This little fact makes my story doubly retarded because I got the reference wrong. Below is the video proof. Now, imagine the dude as Atreyu and me as the turtle. Except we were in the middle of an unhot New Year's Kiss in a dive bar in Fishtown. Welcome to my life.