September 23, 2008

Deal Breakers: The Head-Skaking Antics of Homeless J

This amazing story comes from Lora:

I was chattin' up a cute scruffy boy at McGlinchey's, and we decided to continue dive-bar hopping. He offered to buy me a drink at Oscar's. While I was waiting, another boy sparked up a conversation and invited me to sit down with him at a table in the back. I looked at my cute McGlinchey's Boy, still in line for a beer, and with a shrug, I headed towards the back of the bar with the new dude. McGlinchey's Boy turned around and was obviously pissed that I bailed. He raised his beer glass to me across the bar with a menacing glare and that was the last I saw of him. But karma eventually caught up to me. Read on.

I'm sitting at the table with this new boy and it turns out that he's seven years older than me. Deal breaker? Nope. "I'm mature for my age, dammit!" I thought as I downed my third shot of Jaeger.

He told me he had only been in Philly for two months after hitchhiking from Cali, and was currently sleeping on friends' couches (read: he's basically homeless). rustic! So we'll call him "Homeless J." I soon learned that Homeless J didn't have a cell phone. Deal breaker? Of course not! I thought it was kinda hip to be so disconnected from today's technologically dependent world.

Homeless J at least had a job at a local restaurant, albeit he was a busboy who only worked crappy shifts three days a week. He said he preferred to spend his time writing novels instead of actually holding down a real paying job. Deal breaker? Nope. He was an intellectual! But then when he read me some passages aloud at Sugar Mom's, I wasn't sure if I should be more embarrassed for myself at being read to in public amidst the strange glances of my fellow bar patrons, or if I should be more embarrassed for him and his dull and melodramatic attempt at "writing." This was a Kerouac wannabe if I ever saw one.

We hung out quite a few times for drinks; he would call from payphones to figure out the time and place. I noticed that he frequently ran outta cash midway through the night and I was often left picking up a majority of our tab. Deal breaker? Nope. Females should be able to take care of themselves and their drinking habits, right? I was being independent!

I also noticed that he made frequent bathroom trips and always seemed to have the sniffles. Was the fact that he was possibly a cokehead a deal breaker? Nope. It was probably just allergies!

At last, THE deal breaker arrived. Homeless J took me to El Vez for dinner, which gave me a little hope as this was the first place we had been that you couldn't smoke inside and had more on the menu than beer-boiled hot dogs or pierogies. I zoned out as usual when he started talking about his writing again. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, my ex-wife, blah blah blah..."


"Ex-wife?" I asked. He had previously mentioned an ex-girlfriend of 4.5 years, but never gave any indication that he had been married to her.

"I guess I should have told you I'm divorced," he stammered. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's kinda something that should be mentioned in the first FIVE or so times that we hung out, right? Not after a dozen "dates."

He continued: "Well I guess now's the time to tell you I have kid too." Um, no, I guess three weeks ago was the time to tell me that. Homeless J went on, "He's three years old and my pride and joy blah blah blah."

Then I blurted out: "If someone is your pride and joy, wouldn't you NOT want to keep him a secret?!" He replied that he doesn't usually lie to anyone and he didn't want to tell me because he didn't think I'd get with him if I knew he was somebody's ex-husband and had a kid--and he would have been 100% correct.

I was pissed off yet strangely amused that he had kept up numerous lies for quite some time, and was relieved when the bill finally came. Lying, homeless, cellphoneless, broke, cokehead divorcee with kid = DEFINITE DEAL BREAKER.

After avoiding Homeless J like the plague, he left a nasty voicemail in which he chastised me for "brutally" blowing him off, saying he was "shocked" at my behavior and that he had thought I was shady from the beginning. Then he yelled, "Don't expect any more calls from me!" and hung up. Homeless J, sweetie, you're gonna need to hang on to your payphone change anyways to pay for that kid of yours. To the McGlinchey's Boy who I ditched: Fret not, 'cause karma kicked my ass. Serves me right for picking up cuties in dive bars.


Kelly said...

Ohmygirls, I think I dated this one.

Except I went to surprise him at work one day and he had his kid with him because it was his weekend, and out came the "Now's the time to tell you" story.

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