March 13, 2009

Bonerkiller: Guys With Smelly Houses

Oh, this is the worst. When a dude's house smells horrible, it's off! There are a variety of categories for the bad smelling homes out there. Here they are, cataloged.

The first is the Soup Shack. If your house smells like soup that's not good, especially if it's a pea soup smell--or worse- a beef-barley kind of stench. Yuck. Any chance of us dating long-term just flew out the window. Buh-bye Chef Boyardee, I am flying the soup-coup and I won't be back.

The second category is the Animal House. It's bad enough when you walk into a dude's house and are greeted by a slobbery dog that won't stop trying to smell your crotch. If the house smells like wet poodle to boot, I'm out. Slobbery dogs are one thing, but if the entire house smells like dog breath, it's unsalvageable.

Even worse than dog smell is cat smell. I love those little furry dudes more than anyone, but if your house smells like cat pee, there's something seriously wrong with you and your feline. Would it kill you to change the litter box every now and then? Maybe then your cat would pee in there and not on your carpet. It's not rocket science, people.

The next category is the Rotten Row Home. This smell is hard to describe, but it's really just about stagnant air that reeks of BO and dust. It's so stuffy that I have to wonder is there's any oxygen left in the atmosphere. The smell is so old and gnar that I expect the Cryptkeeper to pop out of a casket at any time. I'd be like, "Who's this, your roommate?" Jeez.

The very last category is the Foodie Flat. If I can sense that you cooked salmon yesterday, we have a problem. If you let an old squash go bad on your counter and it still smells like Thanksgiving-gone-bad at Christmas, you need to invest in some Chlorox, STAT. I wish the Pine-Sol lady would magically appear in your house and give it a good scrub down. Guys who let their houses reek of rotten potatoes and crusty spaghetti sauce typically never clean their kitchen and I like to call them "crumb-bums" because they leave a trail of nasty crumbs and food splatter everywhere they eat.

If you enter a dude's house and smell any of the aforementioned odors, my advice is to back away slowly. If this is what his foyer smells like, imagine what's going on in his bedroom. Shudder. My guess would be a dingy mattress on the floor, piles of dirty laundry and an accompanying fart aroma lingering in the air. Too bad I won't stick around long enough to find out.


Attia Taylor said...

I've dealt with the cat one! GROSSED me out!

Unknown said...

I laughed and laughed. And now I'm cleaning house.

KMS said...

what about the stoner house? those are the worst

Mychal said...

What about if the guy has a roommate? one that cooks nonsense and leaves the house smelling terrible..... always? the guys fault or no?

You can pretty much guess this is from personal experience

Lightning's Girl said...

I just had a car ride version of this. I hate getting into a dudes car that makes me gag before I even sit down because there is a stink of death lurking within. 3 months of fast food containers and ancient gym clothes stuffed under a seat in a moldy pile just isn't sexy.

Anna said...

Duuuuude! It's like a bitchslap of stank.

Seriously, we must be on some cosmic wavelength because that is the EXACT SAME bonerkiller I was going to write next! We are on the same page, sister.

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