April 20, 2009

Bonerkiller: You Are Missing A Prominent Tooth

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you show us your pearly whites and there's a black hole where a white should be, it pretty much murders any boner we might've had for you. Missing a tooth is like the sweatpants of dentistry. It's like the slanket of tooth troubles; it's like if a smile wore Crocs.

Then, we get to wonder what led to this condition. Did you lose a bar fight? Did you run into a stop sign? Did you let it rot away without giving it proper attention? None of these scenarios make you look attractive. As Mystery from The Pick Up Artist would say, missing a prominent tooth is a Demonstration of Lower Value (DLV.)

Can we just pass a Pepsi can around and raise the money for you to fix your mug? You're an adult man! Why are you missing a tooth? You look like a Bumfighter for cryin' out loud. *body shudder*


thesimplicity said...

Can we get a breakdown of what teeth are considered prominent? I'm missing a premolar due to botched dental work, but I think that I'm otherwise a respectable individual.

Anna said...

If I can see the missing tooth when you smile, then I'd consider it prominent. I don't make the rules, I just blog about 'em.

Thanks for writing in. I'd love to hear more toothless guys explain their situations to me. I'm like the dental Dr. Phil.

Anonymous said...

I had a car accident, I lost front teeth, and my maxilla was broken. (That's a bone in your face that some of your teeth line up against, more or less.) They can't put in teeth for me until it heals correctly. Every six months or so, they check to see if it did, and so far it hasn't, so they rebreak and reset it.

I try to only smile with my mouth closed, but this sucks and I can't do anything about it.

Ladies, maybe you could cut guys a break on this one. If there's a tooth missing, there's a reason, and it's something that can be fixed some day, okay? Maybe don't let it be a deal breaker.

Shannon K. said...

I'm sorry noukker. That sucks man.

Andrew B. said...

It’s true that not taking care of yourself is a pretty big DLV, but if you didn’t have a choice like the guys above mentioned you could use the Mystery Method to take advantage of the missing teeth.

My Brother is missing a canine and he plays it up and makes a joke out of it. If you make light of it, you can work around the missing white(s). You can even use it as a demonstration of higher value (DHV) as long as you can think of a good story to explain why it’s missing that hits of or more of the DHV spikes (Protector of loved ones, Leader of men, successful risk taker ect…).

Something along the lines of, “I moved in front of a baseball heading directly towards my baby sister,” or “While in the Marines I was always the first to clear a room for my men and this one time….” would be a pretty healthy DHVs, so not all is lost. One of the keys to the Mystery Method is that you can work around pretty much anything if you have enough “throw down” or “game.”

If it is any appeasement to your point, I have a “Fucked up teeth” phobia myself. Some of the smiles here in Iraq makes my skin craw.


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