May 19, 2009

Wedding Wincing: The Official Shmitten Kitten Wedding Survival Guide

Congrats, you've been invited to a wedding! Oh, you aren't pumped that both acquaintances and strangers alike will judge you and your life decisions as you show up alone to this day celebrating other people's true love? Buck up, soldier. Follow our guidelines and come cake-time, you'll feel like you've won the fun lottery. Let's start with what you should do:
  • DO pounce on an old flame--or any moderately hot guy, for that matter. You're at a wedding wearing a nice dress and heels; you basically get a free pass to act like a prisoner on parole. No judgment here. Besides, you are probably aren't ever gonna see this guy again. And, it's pretty novel to make out with a moderately hot dude in a tux. It's like being in a James Bond movie or hooking up with a waiter at a nice restaurant.

  • DO dance to corny songs that the deejay spins. Prepare to boogie to Kool and the Gang, "Mambo #5" and the "Macarena." Go with the flow on this.

  • DO go alone to a wedding. It's not gonna be weird. If anything, you'll meet more people because you'll be untethered. You'll get, like, five new random Facebook friends by the time the whole affair is over, guaranteed.

  • DO kick some game to the bartender. Go back to the buffet table for seconds. Run with the wolves here.
Ok, so you're out dancing to Kool and the Gang by yourself, winking at the waitstaff and giving your card to the girl who said that she liked your dress. Sweet. But, don't get too cocky because there are some obstacles you need to avoid.
  • DON'T flash your boobs to the camera. Yes, it'll seem funny three martinis in, but once they get the proofs developed, you'll just make the bride and groom cringe for even inviting you. We speak from experience on this one, guys.

  • DON'T dirty dance with a member of either the bride or groom's family; you'll never live it down. I'm still being razzed about grinding on my best friend's cousin at her sister's wedding in 2003. Like the 9/11 eagle with a tear running down its eye, her family will never let me forget it.

  • DON'T hit on the groom before the wedding. Don't tell him that he would be a better match with you and that his bride always seemed kinda of bitchy. Really, I should write this one down on my hand.
See? Follow our rules and you'll be doing so much schmoozin' and boozin' that you won't even remember how you can barely nail down a second date while your peers are lockin' in their soulmates. Oh, that sounds depressing. Well, at least you don't have to write a pile of thank you cards like they do. That's something, right?


Jon K said...

As the occasional last minute date, I must plead for a little lattitude here. There are plenty of guys that enjoy the +1 for the free food and drink who have no problem giving you all the space you need to bed an annonymous groomsman. Plus, the ride home can be a lot more entertaining with an audience to hear of your conquest.

Anna said...

Good point, Asher! Obviously, going to a wedding is a lot more fun if your buddies are in tow.

Beanorama said...

For brides and grooms: DON'T plan anything on Memorial Day Weekend. For some beach-goers, it's a sacred long weekend that must not be inturrupted with anything to do with someone else's nuptuals.

Love, a disgruntled beachgoer

Courtney said...

As long as you know the cousin will dream about you and NOT his wife I say go for it, grind all you want.

Tania said...

Have a wedding this weekend. Yes, Memorial Weekend. Going stag. Hummphh...

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