June 1, 2009

Things I'm Terrible At: Office Romances

I have come to the conclusion that I am freakin' terrible at dippin' my pen in the company ink. My problem is two-pronged:

1. 10:04am on a Tuesday is not my prime time for macking. I am terrible at cold-stepping under fluorescent lights. I get overly anxious, wondering if my eye makeup has smeared, if there's something in my teeth, or if, god forbid, I have coffee breath. What if he does? My attempt to flirt during the daytime is a shitshow. I act like every heroine in every indie movie ever made, i.e. I become socially inept and self-conscious. Yikes.

Seriously, Guy, check me out at the flirt-friendly time of 11:37pm on a Friday. I'll have my hair blown out and a fetching dress on. I'll make your head spin with my witticisms. I'll wear intoxicating perfume. It'll be like a whole new me, just take my word for it.

2. Office attire creates illusions that I'm not fully prepared to dismantle. At my last job, I had a guy who I called the Candy Cassanova. He used to find any excuse to stop into my office, snack on some of the candy on my desk and flirt awkwardly. I thought he was cute, in a Ross from Friends kind of way.

After a few weeks of this, he asked me to lunch and took me to the roof of the building where we had a panoramic view of the city. We started talking about ourselves and he disclosed the following tidbits: he was in a frat during college, he loved the mellow sounds of Nickelback, Puddle of Mudd, and Staind, and he parties on Delware Avenue every weekend. Talk about a turn-off trifecta.

The problem? At work, everyone is dressed in business casual clothing. His khakis and blue shirt were like a blank slate. How was I to know that he was a bro? Once I found out that our tastes were incompatible, I was horrified. Our flirty romance stopped dead in its tracks. Damn you, sneaky khakis! *shakes fist at the sky*

Bathroom breaks, water coolers, and small talk with co-workers all conspire to make work the least sexy setting EVER. I really have to give office romancers props because there is no way that I could sustain a courtship under these harsh conditions. What do you think? Have you guys ever been able to find love in the carpeted cubicle maze of the office? Drop us a line at hi@shmittenkitten.com and let us know.

12 comments:

Lisatella said...

"Have you guys ever been able to find love in the carpeted cubicle maze of the office?"

FAIL FAIL FAIL

Anna said...

Wait, are you saying that you've never been able to find office love either?

lauren said...

My friends met at work and got married! They are pretty in love. So, you know. An exception to every rule.

Anna said...

Lauren, I admire your friends and I'm a bit jealous. I'd rather die then have the object of my affection see me dress in business casual clothing every day. No one needs to see me in my Gap cardigan and work pants!

Lisatella said...

Anna: you are correct.

finger-talks said...

one of my many goals in life = slutty office romance... although all downfalls you listed are ever present... i weep silently in my beige slacks and baggy dress shirt.

miss bee formerly the bee in dc said...

i sustained a 2 year long office romance, now currently dismantled.

Jon Asher said...

I was under the impression that Casual Friday was created with the express purpose of solving your bro-themed problem.

Anna said...

Jon, I know, right? Unfortunately, my job was in hospital administration so we didn't get casual fridays. I blame our union contract. Bummer.

Juls215 said...

I don't work in offices, persay, I work in political campaigns, high stress, high pressure, long hour short term jobs, by the end of just about every campaign I develop a HARDCORE crush on a guy I work with, despite the gaining of weight, the poorly groomed hair and dark circles under both of our eyes by the end.

The goal is to hook up on election night, sometimes it happens but more often then not, you part your separate ways until you awkwardly run into him a few months later at a networking event, the attraction is almost always gone by this point.

loey said...

not hating your work clothing helps i think ... you feel less defenseless. my policy is, don't buy anything you couldn't stop for a drink after work in without being embarrassed.

you don't have to spend a lot. just wear black and slap on some blush if you can't think of anything else.

Anna said...

Good point, Loey. I'll try to kick my office gear up a notch.

But, still I get very flustered when a guy kicks me game at work. I had a guy the other week call me "beautiful" when I sat down at lunch near him and I was too nervous to eat! I turned into a blubbering idiot. It's a hard knock life, I tell ya. Where's my parade?

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