July 24, 2009

Things That Make Me a Bad Boyfriend: I Will Hate Your Dog

I'm sorry, but it's true.

I know how much the little guy means to you. He showers you with love and devotion 24 hours a day. He jumps up and down every time you come home from work. He'll cuddle up on your lap when you're watching television. I get it. It doesn't matter what you do, that dog is going to be blindly devoted to you FOR LIFE.

Which, for the record, is also why I hate your dog. Believe me, I've tried to like dogs. I've tried to get past the weird smell, the poor bowel control, and the fact that they like to destroy household items when left alone. I dig loyalty. I support devotion; just not from a dog.

I've done a lot of thinking about where this comes from. I never had a dog growing up, so maybe that is a big part of it. The main issue I have is this: I think a dog's love is cheap. When you come home from work, the dog jumps up and down and freaks out like it's been five years since the last time he saw you. But here's the thing, it does the same thing when I come home. It will do the same thing to the pizza delivery guy. It's bullshit!

Not to make this a cats vs. dogs thing, but when I was growing up, unless you were directly responsible for the feeding and care of the family cat, it did not give a SHIT about you. It barely registered your presence in the room. So when my cat would jump on my lap while I was watching TV, I knew I earned that shit. It was a love based on mutual respect and appreciation: I empty your litter box sometimes, you don't knock over stuff on the kitchen counter. I GET that. It makes sense to me.

So anyway, when we start dating, I will pretend to be cool with your dog. I won't be OVERLY enthusiastic about your canine friend, but I won't let on that I'm not a dog person, because I recognize that could be a pretty big dealbreaker. I will get secretly annoyed when you can't sleep over because you have to walk your dog. I will show the minimum required amount of affection towards your dog when we hang out. I will also wash my hands repeatedly to try to remove the dog smell afterwards. And lastly, I will NEVER, repeat, N-E-V-E-R pick up your dog's shit with my hands--plastic baggy or not.

If you turn out to be a keeper, then we'll just have to weigh the pros and cons: Mindblowingly amazing girl vs. dog who I will have to tolerate possibly for the rest of my life. With the right girl, I'm pretty sure I could learn to survive life as a dog owner. Who knows? Maybe your dog will grow on me. But for now, the cold hard reality of the situation is that I will hate your dog. And that makes me a bad boyfriend.

[After praising Phil for having the most perfect profile picture ever, we lassoed him into being a guest contributor. He loves illegal bonfires, Big Gulps, and Civil War history. Check him out here.]


17 comments:

steph said...

I feel like I wrote this article. this goes both ways, dudes.

Fritsky said...

That photo is tremendous.

Magalicious said...

wow. this is more than a deal breaker, it's a deal DESTROYER FOR LIFE.

Jon Asher said...

According to a study I just made up, people who don't like dogs* are 90% more likely to be terrible at life.

*If it's under 20 pounds, it's not a dog. It's an accessory.

Anna said...

Ahaha! You doglovers are nuts. I can relate to this. I dated a guy who had a dog and it made me feel like I was a bad step-parent. It'd especially annoy me when he'd insist on having the dog sleep with us.

Anna said...

Jon, you can like dogs but it doesn't mean that it doesn't get annoying when you date someone who owns one.

Granted, I have a picture of my cat Charlie as the screensaver on my cell phone so I'm batty in my own way. However, I've never had to cut a date short to go home and walk my cat. You know?

Jon Asher said...

Yeah, but there are shades of crazy in everything if you are looking at the right person. You can own a dog and still have an apartment that doesn't smell like a damp asshole, and the average guy knows if you manage to get a girl into your bed, you lock the dogs the hell out of the room.

Besides...I thought some weird dormant mom gene was supposed to make you ladies swoon at the prospect of a guy that takes responsibilities seriously when tending to things that depend on him to live.

Anna said...

Haha. Dormant mom gene? Don't get me wrong. It was sweet at times, but it can get annoying too. That's all I'm saying. And, I'm sorry, but big dogs smell. And drool. And shed. It can be a tall order.

Well, this guy I dated did NOT lock the dogs out of the room AND he'd let the dog lick him on his lips in front of me. When I'd make a grossed out face, he'd say, "What? He's my dog! It's not a big deal."

Little known fact: I don't want to kiss you after watching you lock lips with your dog!

Blue Light J said...

I have DEFINITELY been "investigated" by a lady friend's curious cats at 7 am. They're pretty used to ruling the apartment, and so the intrusion of some strange guy into the bedroom naturally requires sniffing, prodding, and of course walking upon. As early in the morning as possible. This is NOT fun, either.

Sarah said...

Funny, Phil, this is the exact same philosophy my dad had regarding cats vs. dogs.

Tender Branson said...

How did you happen to catch that picture? I'm the same way with dogs...we can negotiate though if the dog is under ten pounds.

Anna said...

I found the picture online. Isn't it radical?

Katie D. said...

Sorry but I just can't help but think that men who prefer cats to dogs are pussies

Anna said...

Katie, that's cool. That leaves more hot kitty cat lovers for meeeee.

But you can't be surprised at my bias: I have a blog called Shmitten KITTEN, I have a tiger tattoo of my stuffed tiger, Tummy, and I have a picture of my cat Charlie on my cell phone.

bianca said...

People-- PLEASE!

In my mind, any man who doesn't like dogs is a total chump who doesn't pay parking tickets or call his Mother.

Dudes who *only* like cats are usually the same dudes whose girlfriends boss them around-- and they like it.

LizardQueen said...

It was encouraging to hear Phil's thoughts on the subject since I'm a cat person who has felt guilty about it for years. I mean, I don't HATE dogs but I never had one and they just seem like a lot of work and like they take up a lot of emotional energy and space. The varied comments just prove what we all knew all along, that there IS no one perfect boyfriend for everyone. And good thing too I suppose. Anyway, I was happy to know that there are Phils in the world...

Anonymous said...

Here's the thing about the dog sleeping in the bed...the dog was here first, as far as the dog's concerned, YOU'RE sleeping in HIS bed, not the other way around, and dogs are pack animals; he sleeps in the bed 'cause he's part of the family. That unconditional, lifelong love? It's always, always going to be there. Some random dude you're fucking? not so much. I'm sure the dog guys think the same way...If you were a single mom and had to go home to take care of the kid, do you think your date would have the gall to piss and moan 'cause you couldn't stay over? What makes someone's disgusting parasitic offspring better than my loving, loyal dog (who'll never grow up to scream "I hate you" and steal money from my purse)?

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