August 7, 2009

Bonerkiller: Air Guitarists

Our homie Tracy Wilson tickled our funny bone when she wrote this hilarious characterization of boys who play air guitar. As a long-time musician, she is more than qualified to attest to these musical indiscretions. This originally appeared on her blog, Lightning's Girl, and we've re-posted it here for your pleasure:
I don't know why you do it. It is as if you are hard-wired to extend your arm in a right angle to your body and wiggle your fingers around in time (sort of) to whatever the guitar player is doing on the record we all happen to be listening to. You can't seem to control your body at all when a Led Zeppelin record is playing--or fill-in-the-blank with whatever legendary guitar band here--and it is creepy.

The reality is that it is embarrassing to be around and it physically pains me to look at you when you do it. Have you noticed how many of the girls around you are doing it to? Oh, there are none? HELLO! It is because we don't because we don't share the same chemistry that requires us to play along with Black Sabbath using our hands at all. (And for you ladies who do, you are freaks of nature who belong in a scientific study.)

Please take note: you don't look cool or totally rock 'n' roll when you play air guitar. It looks is as if you are having a music-related seizure that requires medication or restraints. Some of you try to explain that you can't help but play along to whatever "killer riff" is rocking from the nearest speaker because you know how to play it on your guitar at home or it was the first song you ever learned on guitar or whatever lame ass story, but there is really no good excuse for air guitaring. Period.

I don't care how hard you try to defend your spazzy fingering of the space in front of your probably slightly hunched-over body. You probably don't really know how to play the song on guitar either. I have handed boys a guitar to test this theory. I am sorry to say that the gentlemen nearly always fail the test miserably. I am barely impressed when someone tells me they actually know how to play the guitar so why in the world would I be wowed by your air tapping of invisible notes? Blargh.

Oh and when you move your hands down to the crotch region as if to get down and dirty to a sweet tune, it just makes me want to remove your penis from your body as punishment for such a visual insult.

There, I said it and it feels really good to get that off my chest. If we are ever out somewhere and I look as if I am ripping the skin off another human being with my eyes it is probably because they are air guitaring somewhere in my vicinity.

And just in case you were wondering, this applies to air drumming or air bass playing too. I hate them all deeply. Light tapping is fine of fingers and toes are fine, head banging - sure, and I don't even mind the occasional sing along. Just keep your busy, pathetic hands to yourself.
We are too busy laughing to type a coherent sentence. Well put, Tracy!


Jon K said...

Fine, but if I'm not allowed air guitar the solo in Don't Stop Believing, I'm going to be singing it for you. Them's the breaks, ladies.

Jon K said...

What? Yeah I know it's weird, I have no idea why I'm still single.

Lora said...

As a cocktail waitress at a concert venue, I have had the unpleasant experience of being trapped in a room with two thousand or so dudes being air guitarists all at the same time for hours at a time, only pausing to cop a feel. It is hell. A boner massacre.

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