August 10, 2009

Reader Submission: Dispatches from the Friend Zone

We received a reader submitted transmission from the Zone of Not Bone, aka the Friend Zone. We found it amusing, and we hope you do too. Read on:
Hello fellow adventurers,

This may seem too amazing to be true, but after many months of hard work and determination, our team of climbers has finally reached the summit of the coveted "Friend Zone."

It's taken a lot of resources, manpower, and effort to bring us here today, but I'm proud to say we are now fully encamped here in the Friend Zone.

The ascent was difficult, and along the way many of us questioned the journey and almost gave up. But after numerous hangouts, late night conversations, and pseudo-dates, we've finally arrived.

It's strange being here. The surface of the Friend Zone is made entirely of rock outcroppings and glacial ice. Completely devoid of plant or animal life, with wind speeds at 70mph, it is a barren landscape. Most notably present here in the Friend Zone is the complete lack of romantic interest from the female in question. Our team has performed multiple readings with various instruments and found no trace whatsoever. However, readings DO show a high-level of platonic friendship feelings, which lines up exactly with our theories about the Friend Zone.

Our initial findings are very promising and we hope to spend a few months here collecting samples and running more tests. However, there are concerns here among the team. All our theoretical models indicate that there is a direct correlation between time spent in the Friend Zone and levels of frustration/agony. Having just arrived, we aren't yet showing symptoms, but I fear that in the coming weeks, we may have to face the reality that our team may encounter them.

Despite these challenges, we shall carry on. The research we are doing here may inevitably save lives, so it's important that we persevere. To those of you who are romantically interested in someone who just doesn't seem to be reciprocating, I urge you to consider taking the trek to the Friend Zone and join us in our study and the meaningful research we're doing here. We're always looking for more candidates to join the team. Be sure, however, to dress warmly and pack a lot of winter clothes.

Sincerely,

Gustav Alvar
Team Leader
Friend Zone Expeditionary Team 2009

4 comments:

Timothy said...

Dear Friend,

GET OUT NOW. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Love,
Timothy

Jake Kaminsky said...

The Friend Zone reminds me of the set-up of the John Boorman movie "Hell in the Pacific": Marooned on a remote island with few supplies, you find that there's another person on the island who's pretty ornery and you guys don't speak the same language. The relationship swings between semi-amicability and straight-up animosity before your closeness makes you realize that you each have vastly different goals. And then maybe there's a nuclear bomb or something. Wack attack!

Sarah said...

If this post had "like" button, like on Facebook, I would click it. Very clever.

writergrl said...

have you discovered a route out of the friend zone??? i'm stuck there right now, i'm running out of food and water, and i don't know how to get out - help!

Post a Comment